As I stare down the barrel of another year I'v been wondering what 2009 has in store.
Frankly it scares the hell out of me.
Last year had its ups and downs. There were some good days and some bad.There were far too many terrible days. Days when things seemed impossible to handle, when i was hurt and alone, heartbroken and betrayed. Days when I went hungry, Days when I could barely get out of bed. Days when I was angry and frustrated that no matter how hard I tried all I got was struggle and pain, days when I cried out to my gods and demanded to know why?! why it never ended! There were days when the Gods and this path were all that kept me going, all that gave me the strength to try again.
So here I stand the other-side of those situations, not quite healed, maybe more then a little scarred but still here and that should count for something I guess.
I realised recently something I'v known but ignored for quite awhile, my life isn't the way I want it, and I while im not always unhappy I am at the same time not truly happy. This certainly isn't what i planned, I had plans and hopes. My CFS pretty much stole a lot of it. But I've let go of all my hopes and dreams so as not to be disappointed or upset by the fact they can't happen. The CFS has taken a lot of things from me but do I really want to let take my dreams my hopes? No I'm not happy with the way things are, in fact I havent been for a long while. Maybe now im only truly realising its only I can change it. Though I question do I have the energy and strength for it.
2009 starts with tough decisions. Mainly, and this is something I havent really been able to discuss or admit to anyone but the decision to leave college...again *sigh*. I love college and I don't want to, I dont want to let people down either but its stressful, makes me ill, realistically Im not well enough for at least now, and not being able to deal with it makes me....well.. bloody miserable!! And although an immediate future without that one last bit of my plans I was holding on to gone, is bloody scary thought, I know holding on to things can sometimes pull you under.
I'l be honest I'm a littlebit afraid of the year ahead, afraid of what it might bring, afraid of change and even worse things staying as they are.
Day after day things dont get any better and the world can seem a terrible place, the only thing you hear about is that the country is in recession, people are losing their jobs, there is murder, war, corrupt politicians and a seemingly endless list of injustices in the world . I am left feeling powerless .
But yet as I sit here exhausted, flat broke, ill, a little broken, and feeling that after ten years of studying and following this path, like I still know nothing, have made no progress, I am left with the only thing I can truly be sure of... things have got to change!
Only problem is I'm not really sure how the hell im gonna do that.....
And still I have to be grateful.
For the roof over my head, for those friends here on bnet and in the real world who were there when I needed them, for my family, for finding someone who i could trust in again and for my Gods, who give me strength when I need it most.
If I try remember those things I have to be thankful for maybe this year won't be so scary.