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    Sun, Shadows and Facebook Forgiveness

    Monday, August 10, 2009, 11:40 PM [General]

    I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
    And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
    And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen

    And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

    There are many things that don't work themselves out. For me it at times has been friendships. There is that finality from being dumped by a "boyfriend" which is on one level. On a deeper level for me there is having someone who fills in the shadows punctuating them with humor, love and possessing a personalized platonic soothing no longer speak to you over years. There have been, without making this sound like an autobiographical eulogy, many rays of light in my life that play against one another, infusing me validation and attaching this light to my soul. When one beam drops away, I feel their cold, empty shadow inside sometimes for years.

    May gods love be with you

    May gods love be with you

    I instigated the first one. I had seen this person's tiny electronic image pop around on Facebook, feeling a fuzzy, achy static electricity inside. It had been over two years since I had spoken to the person and I still felt the humiliation of being stood up in a crowded breakfast place downtown, waiting and waiting as I occupied one of two coveted seats—one for me and one for her. I sat. I called. I sat there for over an hour until my mind began to piece together the un-returned phone calls and unanswered notes. A week later, giving this person time to call me back, I left an angry, questioning phone message. I didn't understand and the situation became painful to think about. My wedding came and went with no other contact. So after I pressed send on a message of forgiveness to to ease the static inside and give the grief rest, it was a day or two before a custom written apology appeared. And there it was, a wedding invitation to her own.

    I know I would apologize if
    I could see your eyes
    cause when you showed me myself
    I became someone else

    But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
    I picture you fast asleep
    A nightmare comes

    You cant keep awake

    The second apology came out of the blue via a dream. A former co-worker I had been close to in a needs-to-be-forgotten professional life send me a message saying she had a dream about me. She saw us laughing and talking intimately once again and this is how she knew she needed to say she was sorry for abandoning our friendship. Back then we had fallen into a professional spiral of silences and the distance made me not know where I stood with her. There the apology was in my inbox, and I was delighted at her request for forgiveness. All I could do was feel grateful that I was valued and deserving of the request. I had surmised that in the great before I was professionally unfashionable to be friends with and she had shed me in an act of self-preservation. But all that was gone as we exchanged written accounts of how our life is right now.

    May gods love be with you

    May gods love be with you

    I do have one friend that I don't know if things will ever return to that quality of closeness. She penned a breezy note to me inquiring about my family over the message inbox. I was still pained by the past, and although I passed on the events of the past dozen years I ended the return message with an attached honesty that likely did not settle well with her. I have yet to receive a reply but minutes ago I penned this, "I did not expect to feel that emotional in my last message about something that happened so long ago. It appears I still may have some letting go to do. I regret that I may have offended you. I know that the situation was not your fault and that you may have feelings about it, too." And I pressed 'send'.

    'Cause if i find
    If i find my own way
    How much will i find
    If i find
    If i find my own way
    How much will i find

    I miss my friends: the college friend, the best friend from high school, the painter friend in Nashville. There are times I feel the shadows, especially when these friendships are lost in the train wreck before apology meets forgiveness. Perhaps Christ meant that when you forgive someone 77 times, you help them not to experience the place where His spirit has lived mending the hollow spaces and painful wreckage, and help them to experience the joy and peace of letting go.

    I don't know anymore
    What it's for
    I'm not even sure
    If there is anyone who is in the sun
    Will you help me to understand
    'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
    Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
    Any more than me

    I talked to an old friend recently. I told him how embarrassed I was of my own self in the past, when I had lacked the listening skills and lost in my own fearful dealings with control in my life and dolled out advice or direction with my own spin of empathy. I think many people may only view me in one way because of this and that way is that I am harsh, bossy and a bit of a know-it-all. The truth is more like that Bob Dylan lyric,"...I was so much older then." I regret my own potential for mistakes, my own noisy way of elbowing my way into self worth and how it may have distanced me from those I truly value. For those who love me, I thank you for transferring your grace. For those whom are still feeling my stinging ways, I hope our story is yet undone.

    May God's love be with you
    May God's love be with you


    * In the Sun by Joseph Arthur
    0 (0 Ratings)

    Impermanence: The Importance of Being Temporary

    Wednesday, August 5, 2009, 2:49 PM [General]


    I am one of those...the filler, the johnnie-on-the-spot, the johnnie-come-lately.


    I am a temp.


    I have survived since 2002 in what seems an endless stream of temporary design jobs. There are just a handful of types of places I have not worked. In some ways I feel that my resume has been looked over and substandard compared to those that get hired permanently. Yet I am so grateful in this spiralling global economy — while watching those who have had 5, 10 and up to 35 years of long employment kicked to the curb of faithless unemployment — to have a pleasant, dutiful agency that has placed me in a job. Temping is not just what you do fresh out of college anymore. For many of us who are scrappy and slightly ego-less, it is a way of life.


    Being this temporary person reminds me of how we are all here temporarily, expecially Christians. Those of us that choose to follow Christ have permanent home in wait for our retrieval. There are some observations I have made which parallell the etiquette of a temp position with that of being a follower of Christ.


    1. You offer service, be clearly customer oriented because you represent your agency, not yourself. 

    2. You are temporary resident, the real estate you cannot claim so be minimal.

    3. Give no appearance of evil, especially with your opinions.

    4. Don't get involved in the dynamics of the workplace climate — be in it but not of it.

    5. Be kind, you represent the agency.

    6. Be respectful no matter how you feel about those for which you work, because they are human, too.

    7. Expect that people will feel threatend or have things to say about what you do. Don't take things personally.

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    Black Metals and Pearls Pt. I

    Wednesday, July 29, 2009, 5:47 PM [General]

    Come on children
    You're acting like children
    Every generation thinks
    its the end of the world

    And all ya fat followers
    Get fit fast
    Every generation thinks it's the last
    thinks its the end of the world*

    Certainly the hard times have been magnified and our politicians have blackened our eyes here in the Magic Mitten. I can't figure out if this outstretched hand we live in is a "Come take advantage of us some more, we can't help being suckers." or a "Please help us, we are desperate." My husband, as did many others, lost his dream job last year and our 5-7 year plan has grown to a 7-10 year plan. Recently on the road to Chicago, using up the very last of his travel bonus points, we dug into our Wilco CDs, anticipating a new kindle from Tweedy. When I heard the lyrics to the bands newest release, I could not help but think of where my husband is in his career.

    Yes dream down a well
    There's a lone heavy hell
    I don't care anymore
    I don't care anymore
    It's a feeling we transcend
    We're here at the end
    I don't care anymore
    I don't care anymore
    You never know

    You can pretty much track his career by the transitions in advertising media technology. He began his career as a keyliner and then came desktop publishing. He became a producer as a result and now even that has been digitized by job tracking systems on the client and vendor side. He's not sure what to do next, and his realism transitions like the lyrics of the song. The childhood dream of living The Dick Van Dyke Show is just a worn-out, jaded fantasy. Looking for meaning in the second half of his life, he wants someone to believe in him, to give him a message that there is something to do and have the faith in him to complete this unknown vocation.

    Many women have been in my position over the past year or so: bringing home the bacon, frying it in a pan and not being able to let your spouse forget he's a man. At times, the stress ends up thick around your middle in more cortysol and less portion control. It is not all that fun and freeing for yourself nor the man sitting at home. That Laura Petrie character from the show is a fascinating artifact that should be documented in a museum. I want to tell her that her fancy of women's liberation will only end in this year of 2009 in a screwed up economy of women holding on to jobs for the sheer fact that corporations have gotten away for decades with paying them less and that men like Rob will be left behind. Men need this architypal sense of vocation for the sake of their masculinity, and I respect this need. I really want my husband to feel like the world needs him again.

    * You Never Know by Wilco
    0 (0 Ratings)


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