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    Trying to get out!

    Tuesday, April 5, 2011, 4:23 PM [General]

    I am a 39 year old married mother of four.  My two youngest sons were born unto this union and my two eldest(who are now adults) were from a previous relationship. I've been married for 11 years.  We dated 6 years prior to making that committment.  I want a divorce! I'm frustrated and don't see the benefits of staying in this relationship.  My husband is a selfish, immature, inconsiderate, unyielding, controlling, sloppy, sleepyheaded, insecure bully with no vision for the future.  He spends very little time with myself or our sons and yet expects me to stick around for the long haul. 

    Our problems began about 5 or 6 years ago when he became totally unattentive.  He neglected me physically and emotionally and was even emotionally abusive at times.  He was on the verge of physical abuse....I mean seriously teetering on the edge of it but when he saw I would fight back, he never completely crossed that threshold.  I'll admit that I haven't been an angel. My main problem is with overspending.  But at the onset of our downward spiral, I was the most committed, loving, submissive wife ever.  I kept a hot meal on the table and stayed at home with the kids.  I kept a neat clean home which he totally overlooks by keeping his clothes in the floor and neglecting household maintenance.  I never believed in adultery even though at that time he would accuse me of being unfaithful, which couldn't have been further from the truth.  In the back of my mind...I thought, 'Heck you're the one who is seldom at home and when you are here you don't communicate and cut me off when I try to express my concerns!!!' But nevertheless I held on.  I was lonely, miserable and without hope.  Then, something happened. I met a man who helped to restore my self esteem which was at an all time low.  My husband had complained about me not losing weight after having our last son and I guess I thought myself unworthy of affection.  This other man told me everything I needed to hear. One day my husband found a text message on my cell phone from this man.  The man was asking me to come away with him.  I wasn't going to go but my husband didn't believe me.  He got upset and chased me around the house.  I finally got in my car and drove to my mother's, where he followed me.  I stayed with her 2 weeks until he begged me to come back home.  He made all of these promises about how things would be better and they were for about 6 months.  It's 3 years later and though things aren't as bad as they used to be, they're still not as they should be.  Many of his old habits returned.  I told him if he wanted to get counseling he should set up the appointments.  He never did.  As I stated before, I never believed in adultery but found myself in a compromising position after feelings of lonelieness and rejection continued to overtake me.  I know I was wrong and I apologized to him, profusely.  I used to think that maybe his insecurities were a result of my infidelity but then realized that he was insecure all along. 

    The afore mentioned problems are just the tip of the iceberg. My eldest son, his stepson, and he developed a broken relationship.  When my son was 12 or13 he began going through adolescense/puberty as all teenagers do. He was longing for his biological father and my husband resented it.  My son started doing little things to anger him(I really think that was his way of getting my husbands attention).  This escalated out of control and my husband threw him out of the house.  He lived with his paternal grandmother and my mother off and on for the next year.  I eventually couldn't take that anymore and brought him back home as I believe my children are my responsibility.  My husband resented this and kept it no secret.  So for the next 3 years the two of them went around not speaking and avoiding each other. And when my husband did speak, he yelled and fussed.  This took its toll on all of us in one way or another. I begged my husband to try spending time with him as he was notorious for going to ball games, etc. and leaving the boys at home which I always thought odd.  Finally one day my husband,(when my son was 16)yelled at him(which was common)about getting the groceries out of the car and my son replied, "I told you I was coming, man!" While this was a tad disrespectful, I can understand my son's frustration.  Here's a man with never a kind word.  Eventually ppl get tired of being badgered!  Well my friends, you won't believe husband swung at him and started fighting him.  My son was running at first but finally started swinging back.  They were in the front yard!  I was in such a state of disbelief and shock(coupled with embarrassment) that I went in the house and locked the door.  I'll stop right there, as the rest is irrelevant.  But I will tell you that my son is now 18 and they still don't have a relationship. 

    In a nutshell I believe the core of our family/relationship is gone.  Our 12 year old(whom my husband now yells at) despises his father/my husband and both he and our youngest son have given me an ultimatum. They say I have until next year to divorce him.  They have often asked me why I married him? I just think to myself...have I done more harm than good?  I mean, the bad times clearly outweigh the good but I always had hope.  I want my children to see what a healthy relationship looks like without cursing and yelling during arguments.  I want them to see how a man treats a lady, and while I dismissed infidelity from my life I still can't help but long for a better relationship and believe that I will search until I find one or become content with being alone.  I've forgiven him for the hurt but I finally came to the conclusion that I can't forget.  And that's just me keeping it real!  I feel like such a failure but have come to the conclusion that i'd be more miserable staying in this relationship than getting out.  I've told him on more than one occasion that I want out, but he doesn't listen.  He used to get smart and say, "Well if you want out, stop talking abuot it and BE about it!"  This was mind control and I let it hold me there.  He doesn't like for me to do new things.  He's intimidated by that.  He watches my cell phone bill like a hawk and harasses me everytime I'm away visiting with relatives, accusing me of being with another man, until I put the relative on the phone for calm him down.  I fear divorcing him to a degree.  I feel as if he will try to take custody of the boys and that he will never let me be happy with someone else.  I want to be out from under his rule/thumb.  I want to move to another city, start a business, enjoy life.....I have to do it but I just dont know the right way.  And to top all of this off, I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression.  I feel as if this dead end relationship is partly to blame.  Am I justified in wanting this divorce? And if so, do i try and get him to sign the papers or simply have them served by law enforcement!  Help!!

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