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Sunday, February 21, 2010, 5:28 PM
Have you ever been accused of part-taking in a terrible activity? Have you ever been accused of being a monster and hurtful/harmful to someone?
Let me tell you....it is devastating! The mere belief that someone would ever think of me as a harmful person is beyond words! Now, imagine if that person not only puts it in writing, but testifies to it.
Grasping the idea that someone would think of me as being hurtful to anyone, especially with anyone I care about, or to an elderly person, a child, a sick person, or to any animal is unequivocally shocking and beyond belief.
I know I would never, ever hurt or ever bring harm to anyone. I trust in God helping me through this difficult time and I pray that others will see the Lord shine through me, for I am His instrument.
Praise the Lord.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010, 9:54 PM
This past Valentine's Day, I learned of a "friend's" passing....I put it in quotes because we were just getting to know each other. We met several weeks ago at the start of the spring semester. We were classmates, but there was a genuine "like" between us. I felt an immediate comfortableness with John. He was the first person I met in my new class. Unbeknown to either of us, I found out we shared some deep affection and admiration for mutual friends!
In the short time I knew John, I saw an intense, warm, funny, brilliant, talented, somewhat shy, and caring person. He was working at the same educational institution as me and we sat in the same class once a week. I gave him a ride in my car once -- taking him the "local" route just so that I could have his company during the car ride back home from our evening class.
John spoke about the cost of higher education and how much "in the hole" his PhD courses were setting him back. Aghast...he told me he was paying out-of-pocket about $1,000 per credit!!! However, he was very enthusiastic about being in school. John was a "techie" guy. We also spoke about our passion for technology and the ways it can help all of us gain access to information and knowledge.
I forgot to mention what a great listener John was! He was kind in his words.
As his car ride came to an end, I asked John, "Do you have any children?" He said, "No, but I have nieces and nephews, who are like my children."
My heart goes out to his family and all those who loved him.
I will miss John! I am sure we would have been good friends!
John's passing is such a great loss. He is home now.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010, 11:51 PM
Nothing new, but discovering how to grab a thought.
Thoughts can be grabbed or be ever so elusive to grasp. Why grab a thought? Thoughts can do anything! They can make us happy, sad; they can motivate, help us learn, remember; they can heal.
Grabbing thoughts can help you focus. It also gives you a sense of "control" -- however long. It is a start. It also seems that once this is understood, i.e. what thoughts can do, it may help us stronger.
Thoughts are virturally intangible, but they can also move mountains.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010, 9:13 AM
When you have been beaten down for so long and from people that were supposed to "care" for you, it is extremely difficult to trust -- in a truly profound way. What you find yourself doing is doing things to sabatoge any prospective relationships. I wish most people would understand that and be a little more patient.
Asking someone to be understanding and/or patient is not an excuse for the other person to continue to mistrust or sabatoge, but it helps build trust and, definitely, CONFIDENCE.
Recovering from abuse, especially unaddressed or unresolved issues from childhood, is a delicate process. No matter what anyone says, the process MUST come from the person trying to recover, rebuild, and reconnect.
Relapses into the internal abyss...oh yeah...that happens quite often, especially when confronting the pent-up anger. The struggle is an every day issue -- some days are worse than others.
...this is my evolution.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009, 10:57 PM
With the end of 2009 just a day away, I have been thinking these past couple of days about events that transpired this past year and of what I would like for the new year.
There are many things I wish could have been different in 2009, but when I think back at some of those events, I know that it was all part of God's plan for me. It is very difficult to confront ugly truths sometimes, but once shock or disappointment or sadness fade, I can think with a clearer head (and a lot less emotion) about what I need to do or learn after an event.
I do not want to turn sour or callous. I want to feel, I need to feel. There are days, however, that I rather wish I could not feel ANYTHING, but that is not who I am supposed to be.
Ah, the new year....I would love to be in love with a wonderful guy!
What will happen, will happen. Keeping the faith, being joyful, and at peace are the foundations!
Friday, December 4, 2009, 2:29 AM
I just realized that I did not check-in here for a few weeks. I do apologize. I was so busy working on a graduate thesis. The intense pressure I experienced knocked my sleeping and eating habits.
In some respects, being distracted was sort of a "displaced vacation" because it consumed my thoughts for a few weeks. I guess sometimes short distractions are a blessing in disguise. The downside of this "displaced vacation" is exhaustion.
I pray for balance -- for ALL of us! We all have, obviously, a different set of circumstances, but I want us to have balance!
Take care. God bless!
Monday, November 9, 2009, 12:51 AM
Several weeks ago, I was looking at/thinking about ALL the things I need to do -- rather overwhelming! So many tasks, chores, and unfinished things.
I would pray to God to "please help me...I don't know what to do!" I felt like the hamster running in the wheel!
I got some answers. Here is what I was "told" to do:
1. BREATHE...it will help me relax and NOT freak out!
2. MAKE SOME TYPE OF LIST...no matter how short, long, etc. write it down.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE the difficulty...nothing more than that.
4. DO ONE OF THE "SHORTER" TASKS FIRST...it will quickly give you a boost and the start to say, "I can do this."
5. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF....be your own friend and say, "I can do this just RELAX and START."
6. In God's words: FINISH WHAT YOU START....you can do it because I gave you the idea in the first place!
So, I am learning to be better to myself, not be so hard on myself, and am accepting the fact that I cannot do everything...I can only do what I can. No harm!
Sunday, October 25, 2009, 12:29 AM
I recently went on a bus ride with many younger college students -- it was a networking event hosted by alumni of the university I attend.
Funny thing how a touch of reality can remind us of how others may view us more "mature" individuals. Why? Because the alumni seemed to focus on the younger students even though when they spoke of job opportunities, they mentioned how necessary "experience" is in landing a position in many of these prestigious organizations.
I am an energetic, experienced professional, and rather young-looking person. However, almost everyone looks at the biological birthdate! It does not matter that I can out-work, out-smart, and be extremely resourceful in getting a job done!
Sunday, October 18, 2009, 11:26 PM
Yesterday I went to church. Although it has been a very long time since I regularly visited God's House, I did miss it. I found that I still remembered the songs, the reponses, prayers, and the usual mechanics (e.g. when to stand, kneel, etc.). Funny, it was just like ol' times. It felt good.
I am pretty sure I stopped going to church services because, admittedly, I felt a lot of anger -- anger that God did not answer my prayers of saving my marriage, anger that my ex- (who was unfaithful) stills acts and walks around like nothing in the world is wrong in breaking marriage vows, and anger that my internal suffering (the profound heartbreak) has lingered for a few years. I guess I had more anger than I cared to admit too. I asked God to forgive me.
Part of this, I guess, is denying oneself that it is not about the material/physical world, but paying full atttention to the spiritual self. This is difficult to do when there is adversity smacking you in the face every freakin' day!
I will try to go on.
Monday, October 12, 2009, 12:36 PM
Have you ever read any of those self-help books?
There are literally hundreds to choose from. Me? I read a few.
I do not judge the writers of these books. At least THEY are published. Also, when you take a look at what they are all saying, there seems to be some commonalities -- think positive, take a hard look at your circumstance and decide/make the decision to want to change it, look back at your past, etc.
I am trying to look at my past -- I mean, go way back! Have you ever tried that? It is rather difficult, but I find the more I do it, the more I remember certain events. It is painful at times, but it is almost like cleaning an old closet, or better yet -- peeling back an onion, layer by layer, sometimes making your eyes tear.
I still have some work to do!