Level 4 Member
Saturday, May 9, 2015, 12:07 PM
National Association of Non Custodial Moms: www.facebook.com/NANCM.org
Parental Alienation Awareness Organization: paawareness.org/
Have you heard of these groups? When you learn a woman does not have custody of her child, do you assume she is an addict of some type, or mentally ill, or morally unfit to raise her child or children?
If you make these assumptions, you are wrong.
Many noncustodial moms lost a legal battle with a well funded or abusive ex husband or ex partner. Perhaps this mother trusted someone who promised to take care of her child during a crisis, but that someone was simply creating a pretext for taking custody of that child. Perhaps this mother fled an abusive situation (taking her children with her) and was unable to finance the legal battle to maintain custody.
Yes, there are some women who are not ready or willing to raise their children. But, there are many who were not able to prevail in a court system that favors the well connected and well funded. Mother's Day is always a challenge for these women.
Perhaps you have custody (full or part) of your child, but you have been a victim of parental alienation. I have written about parental alienation elsewhere on this blog: watch out for the unexpected alienator, how to reunite after parental alienation, when to give up the legal battle in court . You have your child with you, or have access to them on a regular basis, but you are struggling with negative brainwashing that has been imposed on your child. You and your child once had a close, loving relationship. Now, that child disrespects you, doesn't appreciate you, destroys your property, and says they hate you or wish you were dead.
There is no rational basis for your child's beliefs, but the beliefs are deeply held. Your child insists these are their own thoughts, that he or she was not programmed or brainwashed by anyone.
What happens on Mother's Day when this is your story? What can you do when your children are not physically or emotionally with you?
Allow yourself to choose how you spend the day. Don't mask your grief by accepting dinner invitations or invitations from friends who insist you should not be alone. Perhaps you would prefer to spend the day alone looking at old photo albums, watching a movie you once happily shared with your children, or cooking a favorite meal all of you once enjoyed together. Allow yourself these pleasures if they make you happy. If you truly don't want to be alone, accept invitations from people who will enjoy your company and not judge you or try to preach to you.
Celebrate your own mother if you had a good relationship with her. Let this day be a day you remember, recall, and celebrate your own mother or grandmother if you had a good relationship with her. This could involve anything from visiting church, strolling in the park, planting flowers, taking a drive to a special place, or sleeping late and giving yourself a mani-pedi. If your mother is still living and you can enjoy your time with her, plan a visit or phone call or Skpye connect time.
Gather friends and recreate the meaning of the day. Give yourself permission to get together with friends and do something totally unconnected to the meaning of Mother's Day. It can be a challenge to go out and have fun on Mother's Day when you are surrounded by seemingly happy families of moms, dads, and kids. See what's going on in your local area--check newspapers or local event websites-- and find something that will affirm your goodness and bring joy and happiness to the surface of your life. If you have no one to share the day with, your local public library or a nearby museum is a place you can visit on your own and still be in the presence of others. Stroll the galleries or read a stack of magazines or a good book. Spend a few hours enjoying yourself.
Because this is a blog about faith, I will add that if you have a faith tradition, see what it says to you on this day.
If you are feeling beaten down by the judgments of others, remember no one has the right to judge unless they know all of the facts. There is One Who Does. Do not leave this day without connecting with God in a special way.
Free yourself from the negative judgments of others and seek to live only under the judgment of God. Remember you are beloved of God not because of what you accomplish, but because you are a creation of God. You are a spiritual being who will live somewhere forever. Temporary judgments are not final rulings. Allow your challenge to become your triumph. You are never beyond the reach of God's love, and neither are your children. Be who you need to be in this time. Seek help and accept it when it is genuinely offered. Get enough rest. Find two or three things that bring joy to you and hold on to them. Finally, understand that others do what they do because of who they are. You can only change yourself. You cannot change others.
Have a happy day. Know that your mothering was not in vain, nor could it have been in vain. Keep the eternal viewpoint. Live well and be blessed.
(c) 2015 Deborah Evans
Friday, April 17, 2015, 1:55 PM
Scripture tells us very little about what happened with Jesus and his disciples between the time of the Resurrection and the Ascension. He appeared to them, and to many others, after his return from the dead. For the disciples, he breathed the power of the Holy Spirit onto them and into them. He gave them a life altering commission, or charge, and then returned to the heavenly realm. He was not absent, but he was out of physical view.
As Charles Wesley put it in his hymn, Rejoice the Lord is King: "When He had purged our stains, He took His seat above." This doesn't mean Jesus sat back and watched history unfold with caring or participating. This means he returned to the heavenly realm of honor he had before coming to Earth. Jesus always cares. If you invite him, he always participates.
Based on the accomplishments of the disciples after the Ascension, we can imagine a few things that must have happened for Jesus' followers. We can learn from their experiences, and find new paths for ourselves after our hearts have been broken by life's events.
The disciples had to rethink what was real and possible. No one, before or after, has ever returned from death to live on Earth. Jesus did. That first Holy Week had been a real roller coaster ride for them. After they saw Jesus was alive---physically, in his body---they had to accept many new possibilities for what life could mean. They were then ready to accept the Great Commission. They saw their leader was more than they had ever imagined or originally believed. When Jesus heals your broken heart, he will show you possibilities and a future beyond what you imagined in your past.
The disciples had to accept new and different responsibilities. During his ministry on Earth, the disciples expected Jesus to remove Roman power, restore the Davidic kingdom, and bring prosperity. They also expected to help him carry out that mission. It didn't quite turn out that way. Jesus gave them a new purpose and direction. The disciples carried it out very effectively. But it wasn't what they'd originally planned. They were willing to change. Ironically, the change Christianity brought to the ancient world did eventually bring down the Roman Empire, but it happened one person at a time.
Much of what God does is done one person at a time. He heals broken hearts one at a time.
The disciples found a worthy purpose: to spread a message of personal salvation+freedom from sin (sin = whatever makes us less than what God created us to be), a message of goodness defined as holiness-happiness-purpose. They found a purpose worth living for and dying for. If we have a purpose worth dying for, we must choose to live for that purpose. If we do not have a purpose worth dying for, it is time to find a new purpose. The difficulties the disciples faced were nothing compared to the eternal value of what they did. Tradition says most of them suffered a martyr's death. Have no doubt that where these disciples are now, they would not say God asked too much of them. They found a purpose to carry them past their pain. We can do that as well when we listen to God and follow him.
(c) 2015 Deborah Evans
Monday, February 23, 2015, 2:51 PM
Lord, the horrible deaths of the Egyptian Coptic martyrs trouble me.
But this I believe:
In a way unknown to those of us who are left behind, you comforted their minds, bodies, and spirits in those final moments.
Your revealed presence wiped fear and terror from their hearts.
As their spirits left their broken bodies, You joyfully and proudly welcomed them into your uninterruptible presence.
They now live in comfort, joy, and praise.
They have no regrets for their sacrifice.
Their pains are eternally forgotten.
Their testimony and witness will continue through endless ages, world without end.
Your precious children are never forgotten or abandoned, never absent from your care, never beyond the reach of your power.
Friday, January 2, 2015, 1:44 PM
Did you leave somethiing or someone behind in 2014?
Did something or someone leave you behind in 2014?
Release with love.
When you release with love, you no longer look back with frustration,
regret, or resentment. You no longer ask these questions: "why did they do that?", "what were they thinking?", or "how can I get even", or "God, how could you allow that?"
When you release with love, you no longer need explanations.
When you release with love, you accept others as you accept yourself: imperfect, but striving; flawed, but still seeking; wounded, but still alive and growing.
Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when He taught His followers to "turn the other cheek": release with love, go in a new direction, and trust Me to make it work out.
You can easily become the thing you fight. So do not fight unless you seek to become like your opponent. Instead of fighting: pray, plan, speak, and act.
Release with love.
(c) 2015 Deborah Evans
Monday, December 1, 2014, 8:41 PM
Recently, I viewed (for the second time) the D. Channsin Berry/Bill Duke documentary "Dark Girls." It was a painful view, but I felt compelled to watch and listen carefully because I could identify so deeply with much of what was said.
This message rang through the film: there is something ugly and unpleasant about being a "dark girl". This does not mean dark girls are ugly or unpleasant. Still, much of what is presented in this film shows how differently dark girls experience life. Generally speaking, these differences are not considered positive ones. I think there was much truth and painful honesty in this film, but a part of the story is missing.
Since Lupita Nyong'o won an Oscar, made a famous and well-documented speech, and appeared on several fashion magazine covers, I have listened and watched many women describe how triumphant Nyong'o's story is: she is the manifestation of dark beauty, her confidence and poise are enviable, her skill and preparation have won out over the color prejudices that dominate much of Hollywood. Many, many dark girls are cheering for Lupita.
No one says "I wished I looked like Lupita." I have yet to read or hear that comment.
It's hard to be different. Dark girls are a minority within a minority. We may have been the "original woman", but now we are often sidelined and rejected by those who gave birth to us, raised us, and shared our childhood homes. Society has labeled us as second class, and often we are not strong enough to resist and overcome that programming until we have lived much or most of our lives.
When I watched the film for the second time, I was able to see and absorb a lot of the spiritual pain expressed by the women interviewed. Most of these women were pretty, and some were very beautiful. A sadness lingered in the eyes of almost all of them, even those who stated they have grown into an appreciation and gratitude for their looks. The injury of rejection by family and friends--and society at large--did not fade away with increased awareness and personal growth. This pain seemed to be persistent across generations, classes, geography, and personality types.
Is there a remedy? I am always looking for a reason to hold hope close to my heart. Will dark girls have to wait for society to change before we can be happy, fulfilled, and joyful?
As I thought about the answer, I remembered the Bible verse that tells me: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2, NIV)
My default position is to be conformed to the world, to see myself as others who appear powerful choose to define me, to live within those limitations, and to fear moving beyond them. My default position is to absorb what is sent my way, even if that message is destructive and limiting to me, even if that message causes me to dislike my appearance or even my very existence
When I move from conformity to transforming renewal, I am embracing the God who is powerful enough and loving enough to smile at me and say "you are beautiful because you have been created in my image." New thoughts and images appear in my mind. When I live in transforming renewal, I am able to "test and approve" God's good, pleasing, and perfect will. In my own experience, God has never failed a test. In transforming renewal, I am expecting and approving of God's ability to bring into my life those who will also smile at me with loving kindness and joy.
In transforming renewal, I release and forgive those unable to see me as whole and lovely, because their short-sightedness does not limit what God will do in my life.
In transforming renewal, I remember God's will is good, pleasing, and perfect for me, not just for God alone.
In transforming renewal, I begin every day smiling at myself in the mirror, happy with what I see, knowing that I am an intentional creation of God and not a result of random chance. I no longer wish God had made me someone else, or something else. I approve of God's choice to form me as I am. I trust and know God has prepared something good for all creatures He has made.
In transforming renewal, I expect more than what I can see today.
For dark girls, and for all people, gratitude for self begins by knowing and living the truth that we are intentionally made by God, for his joy---and ours---and we can live in the transforming renewal that changes us from objects of scorn to beautiful channels of grace. That's the truth.
(c) 2014 Deborah Evans