I THANK GOD FOR ALL THE PEOPLE AND PLACES AND MINISTRIES THAT HE BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE TO HELP ME ALONG MY ROCKY JOURNEY.  AND NOW, I WISH TO CLOSE BY THANKING THOSE WHOM HELPED ME WEATHER THE STORMS IN MY LIFE.

GOD

MY FAMILY

MY CHILDREN, MY FATHER, MY FRIENDS, MY CHURCH FAMILIES

STRANGERS

MY PSYCHIATRIST

MY COUNSELOR DR GLENN ZAEPHEL

DR JOSEPH GABRIEL

HOSPITAL STAFF MEMBERS 

CREFFLO DOLLAR MINISTRIES

JOHN HAGEE MINISTRIES

CHUCK SWINDOL

KENNETH AND GLORIA COPELAND

JOEL OLSTEEN

JOYCE MEYER MINISTRIES.

IN ENDING I WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS GREAT GRATITUDE FOR JOYCE MEYER WHOM THROUGH HER TEACHINGS, TV BROADCASTS AND BOOKS HELPED ME TO FORGIVE THOSE PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS THAT HURT ME AND LEFT ME BITTER. I LEARNED TO HAVE PEACE THAT I HAD TO GET RID OF STRIFE IN MY LIFE AND TO FORGIVE. PRAISE GOD THERE IS NOT AN OUNCE OF STRIFE OR BITTERNESS IN  ME AND I AM FREE TO LOVE AND GROW.

SOME PEOPLE FIND THEMSELVES IN THE MIDST OF A STORM WHILE YET OTHERS ESCAPE THE DARK STORMS OF LIFE.  I'VE GONE THROUGH MANY A STORM IN MY LIFE WHEN I FELT ALONE AND FORGOTTEN. PEOPLE I DEPENDED ON SOMETIMES HURT ME, HINDERED ME AND DISAPPOINTED ME. SOME EVEN ABANDONED ME IN A SINKING BOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM.

GOD NEVER LEFT ME NOR FORGOT ME.  GOD IS THE SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW AND JESUS IS THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL ALWAYS STAND WITH YOU.  GOD IS GREATER THAN ANY STORM I FACE, HOWEVER I HAVE TO ASK FOR GOD'S HELP IN THE STORM OR HE MAY PASS ME BY IF HE DOESN'T HEAR MY CRY.

WHEN THE WIND IS BREAKING YOUR BACK AS YOU ARE TRYING TO ROW YOUR BOAT THROUGH THE STORM; CALL OUT TO GOD. GIVE YOUR STORM A NAME, IE. DEPRESSION, DIVORCE, FINANCIAL PROBLEMS AND GIVE IT TO GOD SO HE CAN MAKE YOU A SIDEWALK TO WALK THROUGH THE STORM. IN THE STORM, JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE JESUS DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE CAN'T SEE YOU.

HOWEVER HARD IT MAY BE, KEEP STANDING AND PRESSING FORWARD, REMEMBERING THAT WITH GOD ON YOUR SIDE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH CHILD LIKE FAITH AS YOU LOOK TO THE HEAVENLY FATHER "THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD" WHEN FACED WITH NEW PROBLEMS, DON'T FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM RATHER REFLECT ON YOUR PAST VICTORIES.  THIS WILL GIVE YOU HOPE AND COURAGE TO KEEP ON KEEPING ON UNTIL YOU MEET YET ANOTHER VICTORY. 

AS STATED EARLIER, I GAVE MY LIFE TO  JESUS AT THE AGE OF 8.  MY FAMILY WORSHIPED IN A SOUTHERN BAPTIST CHURCH THAT HAD A GIRL'S GROUP CALLED GA'S (GIRLS AXILLARY). STARTING AT AGE 5 I BEGAN TO LEARN SCRIPTURE IN A CHRISTIAN KINDER-GARDEN PROGRAM AND ALSO PARTICIPATED IN THE YEARLY VBS(VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL).

THE FIRST VERSE I REMEMBER WAS " COME TO ME WITH CHILD LIKE FAITH."  THROUGHOUT MY LIFE I'VE USUALLY LOOKED AT GOD, MY HEAVENLY FATHER, "THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD."

THE SECOND VERSE I LEARNED TO SITE IN FRONT OF THE CONGREGATION FOR MY CARNATION CEREMONY WAS JOHN 3:16, "FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON THAT WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH AND HAVE EVER LASTING LIFE."

BUT MY THIRD VERSE BECAME MY FAVORITE WHICH I OFTEN REFER TO AS MY"IN THE TRENCH" VERSE. JEREMIAH 29:11-12,"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU DECLARES THE LORD, PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU. PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND A FUTURE. THEN YOU WILL CALL UPON ME AND COME AND PRAY TO ME, AND I WILL LISTEN TOYOU.

I HAVE FOUND THAT THE WORD OF GOD IS MEDICINE TO MY SOUL AND IT HAS HEALING POWER FOR MY LIFE, IF I FEED ON IT.  HIS WORD RENEWS MY MIND TO THINK RIGHT AND TALK RIGHT AND TO MAKE RIGHT CHOICES; AND IF YOU GIVE UP, THERE IS NOT MUCH GOD CAN DO. NEVER GIVE UP. WITH GOD YOU CAN FIND PEACE IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM.GOD ALWAYS KEEPS HIS WORD AND HIS WORD IS TRUTH.

AFTER 3 YEARS OF NOT DATING, I DECIDED TO WET MY FEET AGAIN. I POSTED MY PROFILE AND PICTURE ON A CHRISTIAN SINGLES WEBSITE.  I MET A NICE CHRISTIAN GENTLEMAN WHO FELL HEAD OVER HEELS WITH ME FROM DATE ONE.  I EVENTUALLY MET HIS FAMILY AND THEY ALSO ACCEPTED ME AND LOVED ME WITH EASE.  MY INITIAL THOUGHT WAS THAT PERHAPS I HAD FINALLY FOUND "MR RIGHT" - WRONG!  AFTER 2 MONTHS OF DATING, HE RETURNED TO HIS EX-WIFE.  THEY FAILED AT THEIR ATTEMPT OF RECONCILIATION, BUT I MOVED ON.  I THINK WE WERE MEANT TO BE GREAT FRIENDS BUT NOT LIFE TIME MATES.

ONE MONTH LATER, I MET RICK ON A BLIND DATE.  HE GREETED ME IN FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT WITH FLOWERS IN HAND AND A GRIN ON HIS FACE. HE GAVE ME A FRIENDLY HUG. DATE ONE STARTED WHAT WOULD BECOME A 2 MONTH ROMANTIC DATING RELATIONSHIP.  EVERYTHING SEEMED SO RIGHT BUT I WAS AFRAID OF IT BEING A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP; SO I SENT HIM OFF WITH A "DEAR JOHN LETTER."  WE CONTINUED TO BE FRIENDS, ALTHOUGH I NOW KNOW HE NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME.

I WAS IN A HYPO-MANIA WHICH TURNED INTO A 6 MONTH DEEP, DARK HELL OF A DEPRESSION.  RICK CAME ALONG BY MY SIDE AND SAW ME IN IT, THROUGH IT AND EVENTUALLY OUT OF IT.  HIS SUPPORT, CARE, NURTURING AND GENUINE CONCERN WAS LIKE NONE I HAD EXPERIENCED BEFORE.  HE SAW TO IT THAT MY PILL BOXES WERE CORRECTLY FILLED, HE GAVE ME MY MEDS 3 TIMES A DAY AND TOOK THEM HOME WITH HIM EACH NIGHT OUT OF FEAR I WOULD OVERDOSE.  HE FORCED ME TO EAT AT LEAST ONE HOT MEAL A DAY, INCLUDING A "FROSTY FROM WENDY'S (COMFORT FOOD).  HE MADE ME BATHE AND HELPED WASH MY HAIR BECAUSE I LITERALLY DID NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO DO IT.  HE EVEN SHAVED MY LEGS AND GAVE ME PEDICURES TO KEEP ME GROOMED IN HOPES IT WOULD HELP ME FEEL BETTER.  ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS HE PACKED ME UP AND TOOK ME TO HIS APARTMENT TO STAY FOR 3 CONSECUTIVE WEEKS UNTIL I SEEMED WELL ENOUGH TO GO HOME.

RICK WOULD TAKE ME FOR WALKS AROUND SWAN LAKE TO GET SUNLIGHT, A CHANGE OF SCENERY AND TO GET MY BLOOD PUMPING. I COULD BARELY PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AS HE HELD ONTO ME TIGHTLY SO THAT I WOULD NOT STUMBLE AND FALL.  LAST BUT NOT LEAST, HE ACCOMPANIED ME TO EVERY PSYCHIATRIST AND THERAPY APPOINTMENT AND STILL DOES TO THIS DAY.  THAT SAYS ALOT!

RICK WAS ACCUSTOMED TO DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.   HE HAD A BIPOLAR, ALCOHOLIC FRIEND AND A BROTHER WHO SUFFERED FROM SCHIZOPHRENIA, ALCOHOLISM AND DRUG ADDICTION.  HE IS WELL STUDIED AND INFORMED ON BIPOLAR DISORDER AND KNOWS MY TRIGGERS AND WARNING SIGNS OF A CYCLE COMING ON.  NOT TO MENTION , RICK COULD EMPATHIZE.  HE IS A DEPRESSIVE BUT HAS BEEN DEPRESSION FREE FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS. AS WELL AS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC WITH 8 YEARS OF SOBRIETY AND ALSO CONTENDS WITH ADHD WHICH HE IS MEDICATED FOR.  HE ATTENDS MY NAMI MEETINGS AND I ATTEND HIS AA MEETINGS. WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER AND ARE BEST FRIENDS.

I FINALLY FOUND MYSELF DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH RICK.  THIS CARING, GIVING, SUPPORTIVE AND NURTURING MAN. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. WE BOTH ARE ACOA'S(ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS),  AND GRADUATED FROM THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS ,WITH HONORS.  WE ARE BOTH NURTURERS, HELPERS, ENCOURAGERES AND BELIEVE IN GOD AND SHARE OUR FAITH, ACKNOWLEDGING THAT IT IS GOD WHO HAS SEEN US THROUGH THE ROUGH TIMES. AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE WE ARE BOTH APRIL BABIES. MY BIRTHDAY IS APRIL 5TH AND RICK'S BIRTHDAY IS APRIL 9TH.

IN AUGUST OF 2007, RICK PACKED HIS APARTMENT AS WELL AS MY APARTMENT AND MOVED US TO THE HOME WE WOULD SHARE TOGETHER.  HE IS SUCH A STRONG, DETERMINED, YET GENTLE MAN.  YOU DON'T FIND MANY LIKE HIM TODAY.  HE IS MY ANGEL - FOR AS LONG AS WE SHALL LIVE, FOR BETTER OR WORSE AND IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH. TO THIS DAY HE CONTINUES TO GO WITH ME TO MY PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENTS AS WELL AS MY MD AND NEUROLOGIST  APPOINTMENTS AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL.

"MY THOUGHTS TRAVEL AS SILENT WHISPERS. I LOOK FOR A SINGLE FRAGMENT OF LIGHT TO REST THEM ON; BUT IF I REST, I WILL NO LONGER BE.  SO, WHERE WILL MY THOUGHTS TAKE ME FROM HERE?  WHEN WILL THEY QUIETLY CEASE TO BE?"

-H.W. JORDAN (MY FATHER)

FROM 1973 TO AUGUST 2008, I HAVE MOVED 24 TIMES; YET GOD NEVER LEFT ME WITHOUT A ROOF OVER MY HEAD NOR DID I LIVE IN ANY SHELTER OR GROUP HOME.

I HAD 16 JOBS FROM 1976 TO OCTOBER 2003 WHEN I RETIRED ON DISABILITY FOR A MUCH NEEDED REST AND TIME OF HEALING.  MY FAVORITE JOBS WERE THOSE IN WHICH I SERVED AS A SOCIAL WORKER OR COUNSELOR. I NOW CONTINUE TO USE THOSE GIFTS THROUGH VOLUNTEERING IN MY COMMUNITY.

I HAVE HAD 13 HOSPITALISATIONS IN VARIOUS CITIES AND STATES.  I HAVE HAD OVER 8 PSYCHIATRISTS AND NUMEROUS COUNSELORS. MOST HELPED ME ALONG THE WAY TO RECOVERY WHILE SOME SET ME BACK. 

I'VE OFTEN FELT LIKE AN ISRAELITE LOST IN THE DESERT.  NO MATTER HOW HARD I STRIVED AND PUSHED, I WAS USUALLY AND OFTEN MET WITH SPEED BUMPS, DEAD-ENDS, DETOURS AND BRICK WALLS. I GAINED THE VIRTUE OF PATIENCE THROUGH IT ALL.

I WOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED THE "TRIALS BY FIRE" IF IT WERE NOT FOR MY FAMILY SUPPORT SYSTEM, FRIENDS, PSYCHIATRISTS, COUNSELORS, MD'S AND MEDICATION.

I HAVE ONE MORE MOVE IN STORE - TO MY DREAM HOUSE, WHICH I WILL PURCHASE WITH MY DEAR RICK WHO HAS BEEN MY ANGEL. THAT IS UNTIL I REACH MY FINAL DESTINATION ,WHICH IS HEAVEN AND YOU DON'T NEED A U-HAUL TO GO THERE!.

ONCE I HAD PROCESSED AND DUMPED THE BAGGAGE FROM MY PAST, I WAS ABLE TO FIND MY INNER CHILD AND INVITE HER TO PLAY, HAVE FUN AND LAUGH AGAIN.

I BEGAN BY VISITING MY CHILDHOOD HOME IN CHARLESTON, SC WHERE I WALKED THE FAMILIAR STREETS ON WHICH MY FRIENDS LIVED. I VISITED MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, MIDDLE SCHOOL AND SAT IN THE BLEACHERS OF THE ATHLETIC FIELD OF THE HIGH SCHOOL I BRIEFLY ATTENDED BEFORE BEING TRANSPLANTED IN COLUMBIA, SC. 

I WENT TO THE BEACH AND RANI N THE SAND, SPLASHED IN THE OCEAN, SURFED ON A RAFT AND BURIED MYSELF IN SAND.  I EVEN BUILT A SAND CASTLE AND THEN DELIGHTED IN KNOCKING IT DOWN.

I RETURNED TO COLUMBIA, SC AND CONTINUED TO PLAY.  I BOUGHT COLORING BOOKS AND CRAYONS, PUZZLES, BUBBLES AND WAND, SILLY PUDDY, PLAY DOUGH, AN ETCH A SKETCH AND A TEEN DIARY TO JOURNAL MY MEMORIES FROM MY EARLY CHILDHOOD WHEN THINGS WERE GOOD.  I JUMPED ROPE, PLAYED HOP SCOTCH AND KICK-THE-CAN. I BOUGHT BOARD GAMES THAT I USED TO PLAY AS A CHILD: OPERATION, AGGRAVATION, MONOPOLY, LIFE, AND CHERRY-O. I ALSO PICKED UP A DECK OF CRAZY EIGHTS, AND OLD MAID.  I THEN VENTURED TO A PLAYGROUND AND SWUNG; PUMPING MY LEGS TO SOAR HIGHER AND HIGHER, FEELING THE WIND IN MY HAIR. I ROAD THE MERRY-GO-ROUND, THE CAROUSEL, THE SEE-SAW AND CLIMBED MONKEY BARS AND SLID DOWN THE SLIDING BOARD.  I WENT TO THE LOCAL RECREATION CENTER AND SAT IN THE BLEACHERS AND REMINISCED ABOUT MY BASKETBALL AND CHEER-LEADING DAYS. I FINISHED OFF MY PLAY TIME BY SHOOTING HOOPS.

I CRIED TEARS OF JOY AS MY "LITTLE CHERYL" PLAYED AND LAUGHED.  I FELT FREE AS A BIRD.

THIS DEFINITELY WAS AN EMOTIONALLY HEALING ADVENTUROUS EXERCISE.  I ENDED WITH TELLING "LITTLE CHERYL" THAT SHE WAS GOOD AND LOVED AND TALENTED AND BEAUTIFUL.  SINCE THEN MY HARD, PAINFUL MEMORIES OF MY LOST YOUTH HAVE BEEN DEALT WITH HEALED AND FILED AWAY IN MY PERSONAL HISTORY BOOK WHICH HAD GATHERED DUST UNTIL I BLEW IT OFF TO RE-OPEN AND SHARE MY STORY.  I CAN HONESTLY SAY I AM WHOLE.  I SURVIVED!

WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED BIPOLAR, I THOUGHT I HAD BEEN HANDED A DEATH SENTENCE AND THAT MY LIFE WOULD BECOME ONE OF SHEAR EXISTANCE.  DUE TO THE FREQUENCY OF EPISODES AND HOSPITALIZATIONS, I HAD TO RETIRE FROM MY CAREER AND DRAW SOCIAL SECURITY DIABILTY BENEFITS AND LIVE IN A SELF SUPPORTED APARTMENT COMPLEX SOLELY FOR THE MENTALY ILL…TALK ABOUT DEPRESSING!.. LIVING BELOW THE POVERTY LINE WASN’T THE ISSUE BECAUSE I HAD EXPERIENCED THAT IN THE PAST AS A SINGLE PARENT AND KNEW HOW TO SURVIVE ON THE BARE NECESSITIES.  THE PROBLEM WAS THE CHANGEIN MY SOCIAL STATUS AND I LOST MY IDNETITY. WITHOUT STATUS, TITLE, REAL ESTATE, FRIENDS ANDOF COURSE MY DESIGNER CAREER WARDROBE WHICH WAS TUCKED AWAY IN THE BACK OF MY CLOSET AND REPLACED WITH THRIFT STORE JEANS AND SHIRTS. A FAR CRY FROM WHAT I WAS ACCUSTOMED TO.  IT WAS A HUMBLING EXPERIENCE IN, WHICH I LEARNED WHY I AM WISE BEYOND MY YEARS.

I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO FIT INTO MY NEW SKIN.IN, WHICH I THEN HAD TO LIVE WITH.  RATHER THAN INTRODUCING MYSELF AS CHERYL I STARTED TO INRODUCE MYSELF AS BIPOLAR .I HAD TAKEN ON THE IDENTITY OF MY ILLNESS RATHER THAN REALIZING I WAS STILL CHERYL WHO JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE AN ILLNESS.

THREE MONTHS AFTER ARRIVING IN CHARLESTON, SC, I MET RHE MOST ROMANTIC, CARING AND ATTENTIVE MAN. IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT STORIES. WE WERE MARRIEDBIN ELEVEN MONTHS.

THREE MONTHS INTO THE MARRIAGE I BEGAN TAKING WELBUTRIN TO STOP SMOKING. SHORTLY THEREAFTER I STARTED ACTING STRANGE AND WALKED OFF MY JOB WHEN THEY CONFRONTED ME ABOUT MY BEHAVIOR AND TOLD ME THEY WANTED ME TO SEE A COUNSELOR.  I ALSO BECAME HYPER-RELIGIOUS, SPEAKING OF CASTING DEMONS OUT OF PEOPLE WHOM I PERCEIVED TO BE POSSESSED AND WENT ON A HUGE SPENDING SPREE WHICH DEFINETLY SIGNALED SOMETHING WAS WRONG BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE TO SHOP.I HAD 4 SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, FOUR HOSPITILATIONS AND 15 ROUNDS OF ECT. THUS THEY DIAGNOSED ME AS BIPOLAR IN 2001.

THE MARRIAGE ENDED ON OUR FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.  IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO HANDLE.  HE WAS LOST IN THE SITUATION THAT HE HAD NO CONTROL OVER.  HE LOVED ME DERELY AND BECAME DEPRESSED AND FEARFUL. HE HATED TO COME HOME FROM WORK BECAUSE HE FEARED I WOULD HAVE COMPLETED SUICIDE.  HE GAVE ME LOVE, ATTENTION AND AFFECTION BUT WHEN IT CAME TO IN SICKNESS OR IN HEALTH HE BROKE THE VOWEL AND CALLED MY SISTER IN COLUMBIA TO COME GET ME. THIS MARRIAGE WAS DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS.  THERE WAS NO ALCOHOL OR ABUSE BUT ONCE AGAIN…ABANDONED.  HE STILL LOVES ME TO THIS DAY BUT COULD NOT STAND THE THOUGHT OF STAYIGF WITH A WOMAN HE LOVED BUT DIDN’T RECOGNIZE.  WE SEPERATED ON OUR ONE-YEAR ANIVERSARY. AND TO THIS DAY I STILL FIND PAIN CREEP IN ON THAT DATE.

I DECIDED I WOULD REFRAIN FROM DATING AND DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING, COUNSELING AND SELF STUDY ON BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS. WHAT I FOUND WAS THE ANSWERS TO WHY MY MARRIAGES FAILED. #1 – I MARRIED TOO YOUNG YO ESCAPE HOME. #2 – I MARRIED FOR THE WRONG REASON – SECURITY. #3 I MARRIED TOO SOON NOT HAVING EXPERIENCED HOW HE HANDLED CRISIS SITUATIONS AND STRESS.

I MET MY SECOND HUSBAND ON A BLIND DATE. WE WERE MARRIED THREE YEARS LATER AND HE ADOPTED MY DAUGHTER, SUMMER FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE.  THE FIRST THREE YEARS WERE SO-SO. WE WERE TRYING TO CONCEIVE OUR SON WHICH TOOK THREE YEARS. AFTER THE BIRTH OF OUR SON MY HUSBAND BECAME DISTANT AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND WITHHELD INTIMACY OF ANY KIND.

TO FILL THE VOID I STRUCK OFF FOR COLLEGE AT THE AGE OF 30 TO PURSUE MY DEGREE IN SOCIAL WORK AND COUNSELING. I DID MY INTERNSHIP IN COMMUNITY SOCIAL WORK. MY FOCUS WAS ON AT RISK YOUTH, PREGNANT TEENS AND SINGLE PARENTS AND WOMEN IN CRISIS. MY 46O COMMUNITY HOURS INCLUDED CRISIS HOT-LINE WORKER, SUPPORT GROUP FACILITATOR FOR POST- ABORTION WOMEN, COUNSELING PREGNANT TEENS, COACHING FRIGHTENED SINGLE TEEN MOTHERS THROUGH LABOR AS THEY BROUGHT THEIR LITTLE PRECIOUS CARGO INTO THE WORLD. I TAUGHT PARENTING CLASSES, MENTORED NEW MOTHERS, COUNSELED AT A CRISIS PREGNANCY CENTER AND WORKED THE STREET WITH AT RISK TEENS ON DRUGS AND IN GANGS.

I GRADUATED CUM-LAUDE WITH A DOUBLE DEGREE IN SOCIAL WORK AND PSYCHOLOGY AND A MINOR IN RELIGION. I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT MY GPA STATUS DROPPED FROM MAGNA CUM LAUDE TO CUM LAUDE FOLLOWING MY MOTHER'S SUICIDE AND FATHER'S DEATH TO HEART FAILURE WITHIN A 16 MONTH PERIOD OF TIME. I WAS A TYPE -A PERSONALITY WHICH IS USUALLY THE NORM WITH FIRST BORN ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS. BUT I HAD LOST MY MOTHER AND FATHER AND WAS CARING FOR MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER AND SUPPORTING MY SIBLINGS THROUGH THEIR GRIEF. I DID NOT GRIEVE AT THIS TIME SIMPLY BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO.

AFTER GRADUATION I ENTERED INTO MY CAREER OF SOCIAL WORK WHICH I LOVED BUT WAS VERY DEMANDING OF MY TIME AND ENERGY. I BEGAN EXPERIENCING DEPRESSION AND WAS HOSPITALIZED ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS. I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH MAJOR DEPRESSION, SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER, HYPOTHYROIDISM AND A HORMONE IMBALANCE. THE COUNSEOR ATTRIBUTED SOME OF MY DEPRESSION TO MY UNHAPPY AND UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE. MY MARRIAGE HAD GONE FROM BAD TO WORSE SO I RESIGNED FROM SOCIAL WORK AND TOOK A POSITION OF HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGER AT A LOCAL CREDIT UNION SO THAT I COULD REDUCE STRESS, SHORTEN HOURS AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY CHILDREN AND TO WORK ON MY MARRIAGE.  THIS WAS TO NO AVAIL. MY HUSBAND STEPPED OUT OF HIS CLOSET OF ALCOHOL AND BECAME VERBALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE. DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

I SOUGHT COUNSELING TRYING TO SPARE MY MARRIAGE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE MY SECURITY AND RETURN TO THE WORLD OF SINGLE PARENTING. LATER HE JOINED ME IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING AND AFTER THREE SESSIONS MY COUNSELOR ADVISED ME TO FILE FOR DIVORCE AND THAT I HAD BIBLICAL GROUNDS. SO I LEFT HIM AND MY NICE HOME WITH POOL IN THE SUBURBS TO TRY TO SORT MY LIFE OUT. I HAD TO LEAVE THE CHILDREN WITH HIM. THEY WERE SAFE; HE WAS A HORRIBLE HUSBAND BUT A LOVING FATHER.

AFTER LEAVING MY HUSBAND AND SEVERAL BOUTS OF DEPRESSION I LOST MY MANAGEMENT POSITION IN HUMAN RESOURCES. I SHOULD HAVE SUED THEM UNDER THE AMERICAN DISABILITY ACT OR FAMILY MEDICAL LEAVE ACT BUT I DID NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO DO SO.

MY SISTER TOOK ME INTO HER HOME WHILE I TRIED TO COME UP WITH A PLAN. WITHIN TWO WEEKS I WENT INTO THE DARKEST DEEPEST HOLE OF DEPRESSION I HAD EXPERIENCED. I WAS HOSPITALIZED AND HAD SEVERAL MED CHANGES.

AFTER I WAS DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL, I PULLED UP STAKES AND RETURNED TO MY CHILD-HOOD HOME IN CHARLESTON, SC WHERE THE STILLING PEACE OF THE OCEAN SEEMED TO CLEAR MY HEAD AND GIVE ME SOME DIRECTION. I MOVED IN WITH MY STEP MOTHER AND IN TWO WEEKS ACCEPTED A HUMAN RESOURCE POSITION AT THE S C STATE PORTS AUTHORITY. IN THREE MONTHS I MET THE MOST ROMANTIC MAN I HAD EVER KNOWN AND JUST KNEW I HAD FOUND MY TRUE SOUL-MATE....WRONG AGAIN. 

MARRIED AT AGE 18 TO ESCAPE THE HELL I WAS LIVING IN. FIRST MONTHOF MARRIAGE WE WERE IN A CANOEING ACCIDENT AND HAD TO BE RESCUED MY MEDVAC HELICOPTER AND TRANSPORTED TO THE HOSPITAL. THIRD MONTHOF MARRIAGE I WOKE UP TO FIND MYSELF SURROUNDED IN SMOKE. I OPENED THE BEDROOM DOOR TO SEE WHAT THE NOISE WAS. THE CHANDELIER HAD JUST FALLEN ONTO    THE KITCHEN TABLE AND THE DISHES WERE FALLING THROUGH THE CABINETS. MY PUPPY WAS INFLAMED IN THE KITCHEN WHERE I HAD TO LEAVE HER TO ESCAPE FOR MY LIFE. IT WAS A TOTAL LOST. WE LIVED BETWEEN MY PARENTS AND HIS PARENTS UNTIL WE COULD GET ESTABLISHED. WHAT A NIGHTMARE.  THEN LOW AND BEHOLD I FIND MYSELF PREGNANT IN THE SIXTH MONTH OF OUR MARRIAGE. AFTER MUCH ABUSE, INCLUDING HOLDING A LOADED RIFLE TO MY PREGNANT BELLY, SLAPS IN THE FACE AND INFIDELITY WITH TEENS, HE ABANDONED ME TO BRING MY FIRST BORN HOME AS A SINGLE PARENT LIVING WITH MY MOTHER OUT OF SHEAR NECESSITY. STAYED THERE FOR 4 MONTHS UNTIL IT GOT SO BAD AND UNSAFE THAT MY SISTER TOOK US HOME TO STAY WITH HER. I MOVED 6 TIMES IN THE FIRST YEAR OF SUMMER'S LIFE BEFORE FINALLY SETTLING DOWN IN A BRAND NEW SECTION EIGHT APARTMENT. I WORKED AT A BANK AND BARELY SQUEAKED BY. I REMEMBER COLLECTING COKE BOTTLES OUT OF DITCHES TO CASH IN FOR MONEY TO BUY BABY FOOD OR FORMULA. I DID NOT QUALIFY FOR GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE BECAUSE I WAS $27.OO OVER THE LIMIT. CHANGED DAYCARES 6 TIMES RUNNING FROM MY HUSBAND WHO HAD THREATENED TO KIDNAP SUMMER AND TAKE HER TO UNDERGROUND MIAMI, FLORIDA TO SELL HER IN A BABY BLACK MARKET. THE SECURITY OFFICER AT WORK WALKED ME TO MY CAR EACH NIGHT AND CHECKED THE CAR OUT BEFORE LETTING ME GET INTO IT. ENOUGH DETAIL TO GIVE YOU A PRETTY GOOD PICTURE OF MY PLIGHT. DIVORCED AT AGE 20. GOD TRULY HAD HIS PROTECTING HAND ON ME AND MY PRECIOUS ONE AND HE SENT PEOPLE, SOMETIMES STRANGERS WITH THE PROVISIONS I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR. GOD WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT WAS STEADFAST IN FAITHFULNESS.