How long have I been researching various religions? Seven to eight years, if not more, I think.  I’ve been told I’m too open-minded. Perhaps that’s true. 

I’ve been asked why I can’t ‘just believe’ in Jesus as God in human form. It’s not that easy. I would give anything to go from doubt to religious belief, ANYTHING. This is the issue I’ve doubted on more than anything.  I don’t deny that God exists, nor do I deny that Jesus was a great teacher.  I just don’t believe that mortals cannot see God and live to tell about it.

Centuries before Jesus lived, there were many myths about gods that lived, died and returned to life. Because of this, I can’t help but wonder what makes the Bible any different than these stories.  And the answer “because it’s God’s word” isn’t what I mean. Nearly every religion claims that it is their teaching and theirs alone that is the word of God and that everything else is wrong. It is the self-rightouness of the zealot crowd that drove me away in the first place.

I’ve tried to believe in Christ, I truly have.  I wish I’d never doubted in the first place.  Prayer feels empty to me. I want to believe in something, just so I have something to cling to when the mortal world is in ruins.

Damn it, my entire family’s faith was strengthed because of my being born the way I was and surviving as well as I have.  And now look at me, I feel like I would be a total failure to the family if I didn’t believe what they did. I want to believe in their faith and have the strength of faith that they do.  I was told that my family would accept me in everything—except if I belonged to a different religion.  My mom once said I was going to hell because I didn’t believe.  I feel like such a disappointment, a black sheep.

In the Bible, Romans 9:11 and 9:15 talk of what has been considered by some Protestant denominations to be predestination. Predestination The idea that God chooses who will be saved and who will burn.  I hope its not true.  If it is, I’ve created my own Hell already by doubting everything I’ve been taught.