I started reading this book by Dr. Eve A Wood called 10 Steps to Take Charge of your Emotional Life... I'd definitely recommend it to anyone suffering from depression, anxiety, bipolar, whatever. It's extremely insightful and even more so if you do the writing exercises involved inside. I personally have filled over 20 pages with these exercises.... and they really do help.

I finally traced what I might have besides depression, which comes up to either generalized anxiety disorder and/or post traumatic stress disorder... or all three. I need to talk to someone about that, though, and I'm in the process of finding a therapist or pysch to see if I need to end up on more medication or something. I really feel like I need something for anxiety, especially on the nights when I can't sleep because my brain won't shut up.

In the meantime I'm promising myself to run at least three times a week witha couple yoga sessions thrown in, plus meditation more often and writing whenever I feel something coming up....and deep breathing.

I'm tired of being over-emotional because I see what it's doing to my relationships.... people who really don't matter think I'm crazy... my fiance and I got into a fight for a bit because he doesn't think I am but I was exhausted so I kept saying I was.... and that was a whole cry fest for me ... my mom got a tad peeved because I kept her up worrying all night....  But it's not just that. It's the every day that's really getting me.... I'm tired of thinking too much and stressing too much and never being able to shut my brain off.

I keep thinking I want to be normal. Egh. Maybe some of these alternative things I'm throwing in will help, huh? They do for other people, so I'll give them a shot. Here's to hoping they'll help.  Not just for me, but for everyone around me, too.

- Steph

Uh. Can someone help me here, 'cause I'm beyond confused. I've been doing a lot of research on bipolar disorder recently knowing that my family has a history of it... And the funny thing is, so many of the symptoms seem normal. I mean... sure impulsive spending isn't, but things like being hyper or whatever seem to be to me. I mean, I know people who get hyper and don't have bipolar, so what...would that be manic?

And just because my mom has it, doesn't mean I do, right....? Can someone sort of clarify what the difference between mania and normal is, 'cause I'm worried about possibly having bipolar, but I never do any impulsive shopping, drinking, etc. I randomly do get happy when good things happen though, it's not just for no reason... So am I manic or just reading too much so I'm starting to think I am?

- Steph

So today is the first day I actually got the chance to sit down and try not to worry; do some soul searching. I ignored the scholarships waiting to be filled out that called my name as they sat impatiently at my desk. The homework load was definitely toned down since the assignments are all due sometime next semester. At least for English they are... That's what I get for being in a class geared toward college, huh?

I've come to some serious conclusions after taking some beliefnet quizzes for fun, talking to others, and just reflecting. Here:

1. My mental "illness" is not my fault, it was simply inherited from my parents. I can't make it go away, but I CAN make it better by doing research, taking my medication as scheduled, scheduling a Doc appointment as soon as possible next year (not having insurance sucks...), and by coming on here/participating in yoga weekly, etc.

2. My boyfriend is who I want to be with. He is my soul mate, and I can't see myself without him. I realized now all the little fights are just that: little fights. They are no cause for a breakup, and everyone has them, so I should stop worrying so much... He loves me, I love him. Period.

3. I should take time to reflect like this more often.

4. Certain things are not due the next day immediately. I realize now as long as I get them in by the deadline, I'm good. I worry too much about school and should focus on not stressing so much. I'm not failing, so there should be no real worries.

5. Whatever happens, happens... I'll find a way to get myself through school, even if I only get a scholarship for $100.

6. I need to write these down to remember them.

7. It's nice to have positive affirmations to rely on. I need to start stocking them in a folder for myself (self esteem project in the works).

8. Yoga and meditation are total keys for me not to worry so much, so I should practice them as much as possible.

9. I guess I finally know what it means to live in the moment, considering I just found out I shouldn't be worried about scholarships and projects due two months from now and I should just have fun.

10. Breathing is really important...

Hopefully being on this site will bring more insights over time... I love having all the support I do from my boyfriend, my cousin, the people on this website, and friends. Thank you you guys! ^_^

- Steph

I'm new here... Was diagnosed with depression and unfortunately my family has a history of depression and bipolar disorder among other things. My doctor said he doesn't think I am bipolar... It just doesn't sound like it. I have mood swings, obviously...it comes with the depression. But it's not like I'm SUPER happy one second and SUPER sad the next. Isn't that what usually comes with bipolar disorder? I should know, I live with my mom who actually DOES have it. I'm tired of people thinking they know what I have and what I don't... I have a few friends who think I'm bipolar, but understand the nature of that disorder, so they really don't get it.

I had my boyfriend call me crazy because he doesn't really understand the disorder either. I guess it's one of those things where if you don't have it or if you've never had to deal with anyone who has a mental disorder (no one in his family does), then you're not going to truly understand. He's been alright though, I guess. He understands from the best way I could explain it. Give it a few more  years and he might get it more. >.<

I feel like a lot of the time I'm sitting here talking to air whenever I mention anything about diagnoses or anything having to do with depression...bipolar...whatever the F(insert stars here) I have. It's like my mom never listens, neither does my aunt. I'm stuck finding my own way and a lot of the time I feel like I can't do it... It's just really annoying... I wish I knew exactly what it was I had. I hate not being in control of this whole situation. It's like I just have to let everything slide, especially since my mom is being Miss, "I'll make an appointment when I want to."

 ...

Someone help me. I'm not crazy, am I?

- Steph

UPDATE:

FYI: I posted this when I was rather upset. For those of you think my boyfriend's the crazy one, haha, that actually happened when we had a fight... For me it'd be totally different if he was saying it on a daily basis. If he was, I would NOT be going out with him.