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    Prior.. About Me in Profile

    Sunday, January 11, 2009, 1:11 PM [General]

     I am a fairly new christian, 7yrs. though I've been a believer most of my life. I'm married, and have 2 sons, and a grandson.

    I am a recovering drug addict through Jesus Christ. As of August 6th 2008 I have been clean for 7yrs. I have done drugs for 32 out of my 49 yrs. I am a suicidal depressant, and a survivor of abuse from my mother and stepfather  I'm not a very social person out side of my home, and it's not easy for me to make friends face to face. I am a very cautious and emotional person. But I'm working on that, I have always ran away from my life with drugs, Now I am facing my life with Jesus on my side.

    I work as a Certified Nurses Assistant in a Nursing Home, I take care of up to 16 Ladies in an Alzheimer's Unit. as well as up to 50 residents on the medical unit . I'm a 3rd shift worker, mostly because I don't believe I could handle all the cauos in the day and evening shifts. To Stressful! I Love my job! caring for the elderly and disabled, making them smile and letting them Know there are some caretakers who really do care!.

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    Is living in Hell a life of Repetition

    Saturday, January 10, 2009, 6:04 PM [General]

    Repetition- Recurring again and again...

    What kind of life does one experience when they are in a relationship of ups and downs... not just ups and downs but the same ones over and over. one week of showing love, the next week of being called names and being told to get the F- - - ! out... being told how great you are, then how rotten you are. Everyone can make a mistake, we are all human, but to do it repeatedly over and over. to me seems very cruel.

    Does one learn from the mistake. and know it was wrong then knowingly do it again to hurt you or because they can't help it. Does repeated verbal abuse leave scars unseen but never gone. or do the scars show in the action of the one suffering from repetition.

    How many times should repetition in forgiving be given before you can't repeat it again?. I know there is a plan for me in life and the lord knows what he has planned for me. I really don't believe this is to be it for me.

    I have come so far in the last year, I'm I suppose to just let me go backwards knowing what i have learned. My eyes are opened up a lot more today than this time last year. A lot of thanks goes to the many friends i have made here on B/N. Thank you my friends! I feel so much better about myself and my self-confidence has come so far.

    I can no longer live in the life of Repetition if it means losing myself and crawling back into the box made of brick walls. At this point being at work is where i'm the happiest. There's less stress, hurt, and pain.

    Today these are some of  my minds overloaded thoughts.
    I have had a very quite day today, and I don't want it to end.
    A new chapter in my life

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    Stressing About The Facts or The Facts About Stress

    Friday, January 9, 2009, 9:04 PM [General]

    The color blue, does it state being in a blue mood, or a bright blue sky?

    How much is one supposed to take before they really know it is affecting their mental, physical, and emotion state?.

    This year I'll be treading down some very new territory, I'm I scared? Yes Some!. Am I excited? Yes some?. Wow in March I will be 50 years old!! Never thought I would make it that long with my destructive past. But I still have a couple months to go till I actually make it.
    So how does one Love someone for 30 years and the realize they would be better off without the one they have loved for so long?
    A Question? for my friends. What is your thought on the difference of loving one and Being in Love?.

    Habit!!. Good or bad? What goes through ones mind when you have a habit that starts out to be a good habit, that turns out to be bad for you, and know that if you don't give up that habit it will end up destroying you, symptoms= mental/depression, emotional/up & down roller-coaster rides, physical/health. and even death.

    Question? Does a person know if they have a split personality, do they really not know when the bad half comes to surface.

    Trust, Will there be happiness in one's life and future, if you once trusted one, and then that trust has been lost?.  And though you have tried and tried to trust them again, because you love them, but you can't do it.

    Vow of Marriage.... To death do you part!. What does that  mean exactly? Natural Death, Death by Murder, Death by Mental overload of Stress and Depression. Death by Suicide.
    Can Love turn to hate after so long?

    Well I have to go now, Not very privite right now,to many around me at the moment. I will return for more of what is over loading my mind.

    And a new chapter in my life.


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    Carbon Monxide Posioning

    Saturday, February 23, 2008, 7:29 PM [General]

    One night in this house, seemed like the longest night ever. My parents were home and had a couple of friends over. Friends her and my step-dad had for along time, I remember that we all ate at home and every one ate what they wanted, we had a verity of things set out on the table. There was 7 of us, mom, step-dad, thier 2 friends, my 2 brothers and myself.

    As the night got late we all went to bed, except for my parents 2 friends, they were still up in the living-room talking and drinking. This was a very confusing night I so will tell you what I remember and what I was told. I woke up that night 3 times that I can remember to use the bathroom, I would make it to the bathroom, but don't remember if I did what I needed to, I was kind of in and out of conuosness, and would faintly remember being carried back to my room, at least 3 times by one of my parents friends. whom were the ones that told us a little more about what happened.

    My oldest brother had tried to get up as well to go to the bathroom that night but he didn't make it and fell in the hallway, and as my parents slept in thier room, mom was trying to take care of my half brother who seamed to be sick and kept vomiting. As the night went on the friends that were in the living-room started to get concerned. and the last time one of them carried me back to my room he fell and hit this metal piece that was sticking up from my floor by my closet and it cut him around his eye. And the way one of them described how it seemed to take forever to get to the telephone that he had to get down on his hands and knees to get there. they called for help and the ambulance's came and picked us all up and took us to the hospital, I don't remember being picked up  but faintly remember some one looking over me and asking me my name, I don't think I was able to tell them, but remember looking to one side of me and seeing my brother and to the other side and seeing my parents and little brother. as we all slowly came to, we were laying in the hospital beds, and it was strange because as we were watching the TV we were on the news. I was actually watching the medical people bringing us out of our house and could see our eyes were all open but they were white.

    I didn't understand the hospital's way of explaining how much we were affected by what happened to us, They explained it as if we hit 50% we were dead, my parents were at 47%, I was at 48%, and my oldest brother was at 49%, I think that was because he fell in front of the heater, and my younger brother was at 47% but at the same time he had pneumonia and had to stay in the hospital a little longer. I don't recall about the 2 friends of my parents except that one had to have stitches for that cut on his eye. And the hospital and athorities had a Hard time figuring it out, at first they thought we all had food poisoning, but we all ate something different that night, then they thought it was drug overdose, but found that it was corbon monixide from our gas heater. It was strange walking back into that house almost spooky like you could feel spirits lingering around

    We were pronounced to be very lucky, because if they would have taken another 5 mins. before getting us to the hospital we would have all died. what was really strange was across the states in Florida the same thing happened to 7 other people, but they did not make it.

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    Saturday, February 23, 2008, 6:18 PM [General]

    This is where I made my first friend, Her name is Tina, We did just about everything together, ditched school and went to the beach all the time. I would get to spend the night at her house a lot or at least that's what my parents thought, at the same time Tina's parents thought she was spending the night at my house. Tina and I would go to the beach and party, we be came beach bum hippie's. and would always find a place to stay through out the night, sometimes in a place called The In-between, it was a hang out for us homeless hippie's, or we would sleep in a garage some where. some times under some steps in an alley some where, but most of the time we were up all night partying at a house or on the beach. I did everything I could to stay away from home.

    I could tell you how many times I have ran away from home. But every-time I was sent back home nothing would change, Because for some unknown reason my mother worshiped the ground my step-dad walked on. Life was pretty much going around in a circle, and it just became a routine for me to runaway from home.

    Tina and I would go to concerts together and we were in to the drugs pretty heavy most of which was smoking pot, speed, and LSD. as we stayed gone for weeks at a time to the point of being so high that we would just end up anywhere, and the both of us were not virgins so if it took sex to have that place then so be it. I guess you could say the Tina and I were pretty much the drug using beach bum hippie sluts of Ocean Beach. There were many of times we hitchhiked to L.A. Hollywood, and would party there for days, It was Different from the beach, In Hollywood the people were more into the Cocaine, and Qualudes, what they called the love drugs, and all the guys would get us women high on this because it was easier to get girls such as Tina and I in the bed and do what ever they wanted sexually to us, and as long as we were kept high to the point of not even remembering it didn't matter to us we just new that it was all good and fun untill we started to come down, and that's not what we wanted. Because to me it was living in a world of non rejection, everybody wanted me in the world of drugs, and party's. If anyone didn't I didn't give a shit. But if I wasn't high it would always take it out on myself, by cutting myself or putting cigarette's out on my body, even to the point of hitting myself with my fists or a heavy object such as a cast iron skillet.

    I was in and out of Juvenile Hall so many times they would always expect to see me not long after being released. This was my life, and I felt that every thing that I went through was want I deserved. I remember one time I was in Juvenile Hall and my mom came out to see me and she was informed by the authorities that I had been treated for V.D. and she just started calling me every name in the book, and as always she would make me feel like my life was shit, I remember chasing her down the hallway really wanting to hurt her, I believe killing her was going through my head at that time. It would never get through to her when I tried to tell her what it was like living at home with her and my step-dad. but even though all this happened a few weeks would go by and she would still get me out even knowing I wouldn't stay home for very long.

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