But really. I know all that from previous entry wasn't for me, but I sometimes take things that apply to me, like being a woman mistreated by men, or being fat, or being "mentally ill", and I FEEL like they are targeted at me, because I have been there. Oh boy have I been there.
But they really weren't. yet in a way they were. anyway I've felt like that before and busted my ass typing my venomous stinging and beautiful intelligent words when I really wanted to go to bed and I was really tired or I really wanted to go out, and sunshine would have done me good. and all for nothing. did I really ever change anyone's mind? probably not. and it wasn't really about me anyway so why was I so damn hurt and beaten down when I read their words. It doesn't happen all that often anymore though. However I have never never felt so much like that as much as last night. So I fought the most discomfort I have had in a while and I just typed away and when I thought I was done and about to shut down, my eye accidentally caught something on the OD homepage right before I was about to click quit safari, and there you go again.
I'm so cold now and should go get a sweater, but here I am doing the same thing, so I won't ramble anymore.. no more. no more.
the point: What do you do when everyone in the world seems to just want you to disappear, to not be here.....a little poetry for you maybe I'll make a poem out of that.
my whole life I've struggled with my self worth. that's not exactly true. as a kid and teenager I had great self esteem. I was always of the belief that every one is as worthy as everyone else and I am better than no one. Still I thought I was pretty cool and unique, everyone is special in their own way, and more importantly I liked ME, I liked my own style, I liked my face my body (it was different then of course then it is now)..I like my chi, I liked my groove.
Still in certain moments as a kid and teenager I'd start crying for no reason seemingly...sometimes it had a trigger, but I just realized in those moments that I was either "bad" or "invisible". that I just wasn't there.
nobody my whole life has noticed me that much. I just was never that special. I never got awards, at least not ones just for me. I was never a straight A student. I always had a B or two although I was always a good student up until the last part of highschool...but all that meant was I never got any attention for being stupid or challenged either. That said I was never very smart, that is clear. I am good with words, I always have been but I don't have a great vocabulary and to this day when people use too many "big words" it's like reading gibberish to me. Still to this day I can't decipher either most rap or most Shakespeare...not that most rap has big words, but you know what I mean, it's still English but it's differnet, and my mind simply cannot handle having to decipher anything. I just give up most of the time. And sometimes I come across the smart people on OD and I realize that they are talking COMPLETELY in English, not a word there in another language but they use so many big words in such complicated ways that I really have NO idea what they are saying.
Anyway I got out of high school.. .let's pretend all the depression stuff never happened. and the anxiety wasn't a problem ,though clearly it is. I couldn't even work at a movie theater. I just was not fast enough at the concession stand. I do math just fine at least basic math, certainly I can make change but my mind just couldn't think when someone was waiting on me and I literally just could not get the popcorn into the damn bag nearly as fast as I was supposed to. My hands just don't work that fast.
seriously when you spend your life thinking that pretty much anybody can get a job at least the "easy" ones. and you seem perfectly normal and you get ok grades in school and sure you're no genius, but you are a dancer and you think why should you not be able to do this and you find out you CAN'T. literally can't. it's like...it makes you disabled, it makes you less than. of course the anxiety may have had something to do with it cause it makes everything worse. but anyway..I'm rambling again. The person I met for my interview was explaining what the job was like to me and in the end she said casually..." you know but it's not rocket science or anything'. I always remember that, it was an "easy" job, and I couldn't do it because I am stupid, disabled, less than.
so never getting asked out on a date till I was 21, maybe 22, I don't remember. had no idea why. I was shy, but I flirted shamelessly at times with people, I gave them signals. I was a girl and I was shy so I was thinking well I'll let them do the asking, but they never did. But I did, I put off an air of being happy with my independence. and I was it rocked to be a girl...then it did. but at some point you start wanting someone to share your womanhood with and you're not so new in life anymore and that freedom that was so exhilirating at one time becomes loneliness.
so skip to now,
I realize that I have a lot of friends and family that don't want me down and want only the best for me.
I've neglected them, I haven't reached out because I didn't want them to see me like this. for years I haven't reached out. when I know they would be there for me.
so I know it's not the WHOLE world that wants me invisible, beaten, what have you.
but at some point yeah everyone will say stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's all in your head. but they're wrong. SOME of it is in my head. it's not ALL in my head.
My mom loves me and she's a good woman. she is a good person stuck in an impossible situation.
my dad quite possibly created me only to have sex with my young small body, and now that I'm an adult I don't mean anything to him possibly than just someone he has to appease so I never remember what he did or if I do I will take pity on him and never tell a soul. Now I finally realize why he has been so easy on me, and he always gives me money, and just....never gets as upset at me as my mom that I'm still living in the house and mooching off them. I always wondered why. now it finally makes sense. He HAS to keep me happy because he doesn't want me to ever remember what happened and if I do I guess his theory is that if he is nice to me now and since I rely on him for my money and shelter and existence still, I will not turn in him, I will keep quiet. of course he is completely wrong, but he doesn't know that, I guess he doesn't really know me at all.
but I find sometimes lately my mom has finally been a little easier on me and I don't think it always comes from care about me but she somewhere deep down subconciously is trying to keep me quiet too.
but anyway this brings me to my family and the family dynamic that I've finally realized that is there that is "make sure Brona knows she is nothing special and that she is defective".
my loving family even my brother and sister who I am so close to and are SUCH wonderful people and I would not still be here without, even they have done this, although I think it is not really their fault, they picked it up from our parents not even realizing it. mostly they have been the best siblings anyone could ask for. But anyway...to explain...
one thing is that even to THIS DAY my mom tells me EVERY time we go into a store with breakables..."be careful, watch your purse" BECAUSE I have always been known as the klutz of the family. Every time we used to go into stores as a family together she would warn the kids to be careful not to touch the breakable stuff and not to bump it, but every time she would pay special attention to telling me this multiple times and making sure I especially got the picture. To some extent it was needed becasue I AM a klutz. I'm always shaky and making a fool of myself, dropping things, etc. Probably all the warnings really have saved us money over the years. But then as we got older she stopped saying it to my brother and sister and continued saying it to me every time. To this day, I'm 27 and she still says it most times we go into a store with fragile things. Of course I have the added problem of being bigger now (weight wise) which makes it even harder, but I can handle myself, I'm an adult now, I'm careful, and I'm not so big that I can't make it through most aisles safely without bumping anything. What gets me most of all is that one of the symptoms of childhood sexual abuse is klumsiness, especially of people who have dissociated. I feel like it's my dad's fault quite possibly I've been this way my whole life and yet I'm blamed for it and every time they tell me TO THIS DAY to be careful and all the MANY MANY times they told me growing up, it's just so demeaning.
there's so much more of little things and much bigger things about how my family and subtle and over time but steadily and surely made me know that I am less than .. I never forget the day I told my brother my biggest dream as far as career goes and my artistic life, which was to write and direct a movie, and he said that I should never try, and it was and I quote "like one in a million chance that that is possible". I told him well SOMEone has to do it, so why not me? and I'm like it's so unfair, that is one of the only things I've ever wanted to do, other people if they want to be a shoemaker, people encourage them to go ahead and be a shoemaker. if they want to be a dentist, go ahead and be a dentist. but I always knew there were very few things in life that I was good at and that is hurtful for me (even though I THOUGHT I'd be able to work a concession stand, I was wrong about that). I don't even want to be famous it's simply what I want to do is make a movie, since I was a kid. I know it sounds strange if I couldn't handle working a concession stand that I could be able to do something like that, and at this point in my life that may be true, but I think if things had gone differently I could have done it at least some aspect of it, obviously some organizational practical business and technical stuff I could never undestand and I would have needed help...but I have a talent for words and certain aspects of creativity involved in filmmaking, I can picture it all in my head so easily..and really it sounds weird but that's about ALL I have. As I have said, I am not the smartest, I am disadvantaged at many things...strangely this thing that does sometimes cause people to be famous (not always you can make a fairly good living at it and not be and just be a regular person), may be one of the only things that I have the god given capability to do as a career. .But as I say, my brother loves me unconditionally and he is the best brother I could ask for, has been there for me every time, more than anybody else, he thinks I am a great person, and he thinks I'm special and he takes care of me even though he is my LITTLE brother....part of that whole thing was just that he did learn it from my parents, and also he is simply a very practical scientific guy, and his odds were probably pretty right on (they may not have been a million but something like that, I don't remember exactly) as he is a very smart guy.....perhaps he didn't want me to be disappointed and was just looking out for me. I would have rather at least tried though, and I don't believe it's ever a good idea to squash peoples' dreams unless it's totally absolutely completely out of the question and you just want to let them down easy.
anyway, this has been a continuous theme in my life...people or things or events making me feel like I am below...less than...stupid, bad, whatever you want to call it.
and I believe there are certain people in life that for whatever reason attract people to put them down and make them feel "less than". and people will respond with their usual cliches of "it's all in the way you think about things, think positive" or "they attract that because they don't think enough of themselves and weak people attract that and it's up to YOU to believe in yourSELF."
but I don't believe that. to some extent that stuff is true, but not mostly. I believe certain people just attract that but it's not actually anything they have control over consciously or subconsiously. and who knows what makes them "different"....they just are. And it's fine to say it's up to YOU to make yourSELf feel better, believe in your SELF. and that's a good point, I admit. But it comes to be a point after years, decades of people putting you down right and left that even the most confident and strong and brave people WILL BEND. and they WILL DOUBT. they will doubt their worth. and it's only natural.
that said, I finally figured out that it's not ME that is less than, and that everybody else is just mistaken. It doesn't matter if there are a whole bunch of them that are mistaken about me, that is just some weird phenomenom that no one can explain, who really cares..there are plenty of those in life.
so recently two guys that I have loved most in my life...well it all just kinda blew up,....don't get me wrong, I wasn't two timing, there was nothing serious, at least at the time, though there has been in the past....but in the end who cares who ended what with whom, the point is that I was so good to both of them and I tried so hard, and in the end they both got with someone else and made sure to reinforce my self esteem problems by going out of their way to make me jealous and feel like a failure. I tried so hard it was hard enough dealing with a heart torn in two loving two people, it almost literally broke me in two and I almost tried suicide again...I never wanted that, I didn't choose it. Not once did they really care that I almost died again, they only cared that they were jealous of eachother, and that I was such a "stupid cunt", they were only MAD AT ME. I wonder what would they have thought if I had actually gone through with it and was successful this time. But then I finally choose, again, and it wasn't good enough he was just waiting to make sure he had me where he wanted me, made sure I felt something for him again, in order to cause more hurt when he dumped me for someone else.
he literally set a trap for me and begged me to come back to him and telling me how much he loved me, then when I came to him and was in love again, he let me know how deliriously happy he was with HER. The thing is I have never treated either of these guys with anything but respect. I know it has been a crazy situation and I made mistakes but at least I was ALWAYS honest with them, and I just... I gave so much damn love and care. I could have picked one and told him that he was the only man I ever loved but I didn't want to betray my own heart or betray the truth or betray either of them...I just gave so many tears to them and so much ...I just gave so much away of myself...and in the end I got nothing but a re-victimization.
I give so much love to this cat that we have. I tell her she's a good girl all the time. I'm convinced she knows exactly what it means. I tell her she's beautiful and smart and sweet and kind and unique, and I just tell her and pet her all the time. Because I'm determined that some creature in the world is not going to feel like I have for so long, and is not going to ever doubt again their worth and is not going to feel like they mean nothing to anybody, or that all they do is annoy people, or that they are about as interesting as a rock and they might as well not exist, or that they are tainted or stupid or bad.
I make sure she knows how special she is.