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5 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2009 - 10:51AM #1
lola2
Posts: 3

  I have a friend ( x boy freind) that has bi-polar. He has been up and down the whole time I've known him (about 2 yr. now). I had a b-day party for my daughters 8 b-day. He was very helpful at the party. He hadn't come back after he left that day, and was very rude with me on the phone.. After about 4 months of him just walking out of my life with out an explanation, I had not seen him nor did I hear from him much... Just a few text messages. He came up to me at a store I was shopping in for Christmas gifts for my 2 daughters. I was really surprised. He started to call...text...and show up at my house..unexpectedly. Now he is coming around again, my girls are ok  while he is here, they talk to him, but after he leaves, they are mad that I let him in.  I know that he is having issues about his depression/ mood swings, but how can I trust him again. I am soooooo scard that he will "walk out" again. I really want him to be healthy and have a loving and happy life. I just cant understand why God put him back into our  life!. I prayed for 4 months, ..." if he is the one for me dear Jesus, then things will come together for me, if not, then let him leave me be. But here he came into my life after 4 months. What do I say to him, how do  I know that he is ok...and what is the next step to getting over this trust issue. I love him, but does he love me? How can I ( someone  that has a great big heart) be with some one soo heartless at times...and other times is as sweet as can be. Please pray for my daughters,  me...and him. As I am confused, tired, anxious and scard. I have no understanding on the reasons why he came back, but know that I love him....Does love conquer all, including trust issues..?..?...

   Nicole Lola 

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2009 - 11:54AM #2
jalawnduski
Posts: 1

I'm glad you've come here for help, advice, and prayer.  You are facing a difficult decision, and this is a great place for support.

First, is your friend on meds?  This is imperative for people with bipolar.  There are many options re: meds.  The common practice now is to be on a mood stabilizer like Depakote or Lamictal, for many an anti-depressant like Cymbalta, and Abilify.  I'm not trying to be a doctor.  This is my personal regimin.  It is controlling manias, but I still experience very severe depressions.

It is a long process (usually) to find the med cocktail that works.  Each person is unique and they affect each of us differently.  At the very least, he should be in individual or group therapy.  But I personally think a psychiatrist is essential, so he can get meds to help him.

Second, why haven't you asked him why he came back?  Communication (honest, especially) is important in any relationship.  But much more so when dealing with someone with a mood disorder.  Many times they will exhibit behavior that seems illogical or impulsive or irresponsible.  And it is those things.  If/when you have trust with one another, then he will trust you to tell him when you observe his symptoms of mania or depression going out of control or becoming problematic.

As far as your trust in him, this will be a difficult thing to rebuild.  It sounds like his behavior really hurt you and your girls.  Understanding the symptoms of bipolar will help a lot.  It is often hard, in the heat of the moment, to acknowledge that "bad" behavior is caused by his mood disorder.  It sounds like he may have more of a problem with mania than with depression?  Mania often causes irritability, racing speech, impulsivity, and inconsideration for other people's feelings.  On the other hand, depression causes apathy, inability to feel or express emotions (or feelings of love/affection,) and feelings of low self worth and hopelessness.

My best advice is to research the heck out of bipolar.  It is a very complex disorder, and before you decide whether to be with this man, you must know what you and your girls will be in for.  My husband did research before we got married, and decided it was something he could handle.  Because of his research and knowledge of bipolar, he is extremely compassionate and understanding when my behavior seems out of whack.

Lastly, you may want to research borderline personality disorder.  It may be the reason for his hot/cold actions toward you.  People who suffer from this disorder form very intense relationships very quickly, but then will end the relationship for what seems like no reason.  They have intense fear of abandonment and trouble sticking to commitments to anything.  This is a hard illness to treat.  It is not easily treated with medication.  It requires intensive group and individual counseling.

Best of Luck, Nicole.  I will be praying that the Holy Spirit will guide you as you make this important decision.  You didn't mention anything about his spiritual condition.  How is that??

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2009 - 1:49PM #3
lola2
Posts: 3

WOW.... YOU HAVE A GREAT KNOWLEDGE OF THE DISORDER, IAM VERY PLEASED THAT YOU HAVE POSTED A COMMENT FOR ME.. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!.. HE WAS ON LIMICTAL AND THEN ABRUPTLY STOPPED TAKING IT A YEAR AGO. HE HAD EVEN MORE SWINGS ON THE MED THEN OFF. SO, MAYBE THAT WAS A GOOD THING THAT HE DID STOP. I DONT KNOW. BUT I DO KNOW THAT HE HAS HAD A GOOD MONTH SINCE HE HAS CAME BACK. AND HE IS SUCH A FUNNY PERSON, I CANT SEEM TO REALIZE WHEN HE IS BEING A "JOKESTER" THAT HE IS AFFECTED WITH THIS DISORDER OR NOT.. I MEAN, DOES BI-POLAR MAKE YOU ACT FUNNY ALSO...LIKE JOKING AROUND AND BEING SILLY..(MAYBE ITS JUST THE GOOD IN HIM SHOWING WHILE HE IS NEAR ME) BECAUSE HE DOES THAT OFTEN...AND IT IS A PART OF HIM THAT I LOVE SO MUCH, ALONG WITH MY GIRLS. I AM WONDERING WHY OR WHAT HE HAS...SINCE HE WAS ALONE FOR 4 MONTHS, DID OR HAS HE HAD A MANIA THROUGH THIS TIME APART WITH ME...OR IS IT BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID OF ME AND MY TWO GIRLS.. DO YOU THINK THAT HE NEEDS HIS SPACE TO "HIDE" AWAY HIS ILLNESS FROM THE WORLD? I JUST HOPE THAT IF I AM WILLING TO HAVE HIM COME BACK INTO MY/OUR LIFE....THAT HE KNOWS WHAT IS AT STAKE HERE.. I AM A VERY UNDERSTANDING PERSON TO OTHERS NEEDS...(AS I AM A SINGLE MOTHER) I HOPE THAT THIS IS GODS WILL....AND NOT THE DEVIL PLAYING A TRICK ON ME SO I GET HURT AGAIN... I CANT TELL THE DIFFERENCE. BUT DO KNOW THAT HE SEEMS TO HAVE A HEART WHEN IT COMES TO ME...BUT THE TRUST ISSUE IS STILL A REALLY BIG DEAL FOR ME... HE BELIEVES IN JESUS...BUT DOES NOT ATTEND A CHURCH. I ASK HIM IF HE PRAYS AND HE SAID YES. I HAVE TOLD HIM THAT HE NEEDS CHRIST IN HIS LIFE EACH DAY. ALSO HE SEEN A PSYCHIATRIST FOR ABOUT 3 YEARS...AND SHE IS THE ONE THAT PUT HIM ON LIMICTAL...BUT HE CANT AFFORD THE COST. HE IS ON A ANTI-DEPRESSANT. DO U BELIEVE THAT IS ENOUGH? HE HAS MADE ME A FEW THINGS WITH ITEMS FROM MOTHER-NATURE  WHILE HE WAS A WAY FOR 4 MONTHS....DO U BELIEVE THAT HE WAS GOING THUR A MAINA AT THAT TIME...SO MAYBE HE MISSED ME...(AS I TOLD HIM THAT I COULDNT BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ONCE HE WALKED OUT 41/2 MONTHS AGO) I DON'T KNOW...SOME WHAT I FEEL LIKE HE IS PROTECTING ME FROM HIS ILLNESS...IT IS SUCH A BIG DEAL FOR HIM TO OPEN UP...BUT HE HAS FOR ME AND HAS TOLD ME THINGS THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS...BUT I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND.. MAYBE HE CANT SETTLE DOWN WITH ME BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID OF THE RESPONSIBILITY OF HELPING ME CARE FOR MY GIRLS... HE IS 17 YEARS OLDER THEN ME.. HE IS 51....AND HE RAISED HIS CHILDREN, MAYBE IT IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO PROCESS...I JUST WANT TO SETTLE DOWN AND WANT GOD TO HEAR ME WHEN I CALL OUT FOR SOME ONE TO LOVE ME.. I KNOW GOD LOVES ME...BUT I FEEL EMPTY IN SIDE SOME TIMES... IM JUST WORE DOWN AGAIN... THANK YOU FOR  YOUR HELP, AS I KNOW IT HAS HELPED ALREADY.

MAY GOD KEEP BLESSING YOU AND YOU ARE KINDLY APPRECIATED FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP......NICOLE LOLA 

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