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5 years ago  ::  Nov 08, 2009 - 2:42AM #1
Cagenstyle
Posts: 36

I've been charting my moods this week on a 1-10 scale (1 being very depressed, 10 is when I've felt really happy). Most of the week I've given it a 9. I felt great. Today I said a 1. It came on for what seems like no reason. I can't keep having days that feel like a 1 or I don't know how much more I can keep fighting. It's so discouraging to know that it'll come back no matter what I'm doing. I wake up some days and I just feel terrible. I'm not sure what to do- I don't want my life to be like this. It hurts so bad that I can hardly stand it. I'm just sitting here feeling really sad.....and I have to get up tomorrow and do it all again.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 08, 2009 - 9:48AM #2
melzoom
Posts: 583

((((((crystal)))))


 


i've felt wonderful and woken up in that blackness.... it is startling and shakes my self-confidence to the core, removes all my sense of control over my brain.  i've had those days.  they are awful and scary.  please keep talking.  i know its hard, but seeing you here every few days, i see a definite difference in your "tone of voice".  



when that happens, sometimes i will track my moods throughout the day at around the same time.  i also look back at my dreams (especially if they were ones i don't really remember but woke up feeling anxious about) and what I woke up to.  I've learned that I need to tidy up my room each night because visual stimulus is a trigger for me.  visual chaos first thing when i wake up will make me feel overwhelmed and that usually leads to feelings of hopelessness and despair very quickly.  mostly vague dreams and visual hyperstimulation cause a lot of my sudden drops like that.


sending love and light.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 09, 2009 - 9:36AM #3
Megulator2
Posts: 162

Warning - female content!


 


Ok, now that I've warned off the men....


I have those days too, Crystal. I go to bed happy and wake up in a panic attack. For me, anxiety is my first depression symptom.


The spaces between these episode got farther apart as I got better. The stable, better periods began to be longer. Each time a "down cycle" ended after 3 or 4 days it got a little easier. I began to realize that a bad couple of days didn't mean I was going under completely. I always have an ultimatum, thought - if this doesn't get better within 1 week, I call the doctor. So far, I haven't had to do that.


Another thing to consider is hormones. I went off the pill in June after being on it for almost 10 years, and I've noticed since then that my moods have a lot to do with my cycle. I have some anxiety right before ovulation (which doesn't happen when you're on the pill) and MAJOR anxiety for the 3 to 4 days before my period starts. These episodes really scared me at first. What was happening? What was I doing wrong? As I started to keep track of my cycles, which I'm doing since we're going to try for a baby, I began to notice the tie-in. I downloaded a period tracker app for my iPod (I know, I'm a dork!) that helps me track the ovulation timing as well. Now I can practically anticipate the anxiety. It still throws me when it happens, and makes my foundation shaky the first day, but I know what it is.


 


That was more long-winded than I meant it to be. I guess the key here is to learn about yourself. What are your cycles and your triggers? What can you do to help yourself stay healthy?


And don't forget that no one is happy all the time. Even people without mood disorders have cycles. We just have to relearn what that  means. The fact that you're having good days is great - remember not that long ago when you thought you'd never have them?


Hang in there, girl.

Meghan
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 09, 2009 - 6:06PM #4
Cagenstyle
Posts: 36

Thanks! I'm working on trying to figure out what's going on with me and what my triggers are. I think tracking things is a great idea. So far I've only been rating my mood daily but I think I can try to do more than that. Since I usually wake up feeling either good or bad, I'm thinking it could be something that has to do with my dreams, or you're right, it could be hormones. I'm hoping to talk to my doctor more when I get to see him.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 09, 2009 - 9:37PM #5
belleo
Posts: 2,842

I remember days when I was happy and full of energy . The next day I  was terrible . I was feeling so low . I did have dark days and thoughts at that time . They always centered on the old homestead  where I was much abused . I kept a journal for years . It was therapeutic .


Ira Progoff has a journal one can buy . It has sections . dreams and what not . By jotting down what comes to mind , I learned quite a bit about myself .

Just me
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2009 - 12:01AM #6
melzoom
Posts: 583

crystal-  i'm glad some of these tips sound like things you might use.  i hope this is just a passing cloud in your mood.  =)  keep us posted.  =)


 


like marie, i used to keep a journal.  once being a part of BB, I noticed I haven't journaled as much as I used to.  i'm guessing it's because i would write out little bits here and had a place to write and process emotions.  with my super busy summer, i was only able to read BB and hardly had time to comment on much or write about what was going on and i feel i lost a little direction.  i had gotten out of the journal habit and didn't have the time or where-with-all to write here.  i really think that plus the hormone thing is part of the last few days of grumpy slump with me.  it's not just grumpy... i'm more reactive and definitely more sensitive.  


 


the point is, have an outlet.  talk to a friend or an animal (they won't tell!), write in a journal or blog, or write here.   keeping it on your bedside table can help you 'thought dump' if you can't sleep or have easy access to write about the fragments of your dreams you remember first thing when you wake up.


 


(now.... off to take my own advice =)  )


love and light to you, 


mel


 

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 11, 2009 - 2:32AM #7
Cagenstyle
Posts: 36

I'm just afraid that these feelings will never go away- I hate just feeling like I'm managing them and I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I don't know if the good days make up for the bad ones. I know that sounds really negative but sometimes it's hard to stay positive. :(

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 11, 2009 - 6:37AM #8
belleo
Posts: 2,842

(((Crystal ))) most of us here have goe through dark days . I remember the feelings they were pretty bad . I wanted to isolate more than being with people . That is not good . A dark room was usually better or so I thought . When I started to mingle I started to feel better . Remember those feelings will pass .Going to church with family did help me . The bet to you dear .  Marie

Just me
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 12, 2009 - 9:41PM #9
Oldfart2
Posts: 3

You may not want to hear anything a man has to say....especially an older man...I'm 55, but I've been thru a lot in my life and my wife has been thru 10 or 12 years of depression, so I do know a little about what you are going thru.


I myself go thru bouts of being really down or worried about things and at times there's nobody I know that has enough of a handle on thier emotions to be the rock of the world. Most people that have a hobby they truely enjoy can use that for an outlet to take their mind off of the things that bother them and and give them enough peace of mind to make it thru to tough times.


Everyone needs a Best friend...someone they can tell anything and everything to.....it doesn't matter if they can't do anything but listen to you and just be understanding about how you are feeling.  My Best friend use to be my Dad and after he died...my 2 younger brothers became my best friends.....but you know if I'm really at the end of my rope and need my very best friend to talk to.....I go sit by my Dad's grave and talk to him and he still helps me more than you will ever know.


Nobody is perfect....everyone has problems.....everyone needs someone.....and you are only alone if you choose to be and believe me sometime I have to have that "ME Time"


I wish you the very best....I hope at least a little of what I said makes a a little difference in your life.  Good Luck !

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2009 - 2:30PM #10
Megulator2
Posts: 162

Crystal,


Sorry this is a late response; I've been offline a few days.


I enjoy reading and responding to your posts because I see myself in them - it's where I was in January of this year. I was SO angry that I had relapsed, that I had let it get so bad, that I might have this depression thing for the rest of my life. It scared me, and it seemed like such a bleak existence.


Now, about 11 months removed, I see that the acceptance of depression as a chronic illness that I must live with has made me change things in my life. If I ignore it, it will still be there but it will strike with a vengeance. If I acknowledge it as part of - but not all of - me, then I do better. I check in with it each day. When I don't do this for a few days or even a week or two, I start to get symptomatic. But by taking care of myself, I can keep from sliding down the slippery slope. I dig my heels in and scoot back up on my butt!


What I'm trying to say is this - you will get to a point where the good days outnumber the bad. You will. It's hard to accept this as part of yourself, but in my opinion, it's a necessary part of recovery.


Take that or leave it, as you choose. In the end, you are the only one that knows your heart.


 

Meghan
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