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Switch to Forum Live View What Do I Do About a Toxic Friend?
5 years ago  ::  Jul 17, 2009 - 5:14PM #1
Therese Borchard
Posts: 141

Hi. I just received this email from a member, and thought it would make for a good discussion thread. I have learned so much from all of you in this area, so maybe you can give her some wisdom.


She writes:


I'm in the process of dealing with a toxic friend.  She is broken, in a different sort of way.  We no longer have anything in common except for the past.  Her relationship is highly destructive for me...I do not know how to handle it.  She's narcistic and very much a user.  Help!

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 18, 2009 - 7:27AM #2
Hpower1
Posts: 4

I have a toxic friend as well... She feels like a victum ..... and hurts herself... My friend deals with drug abuse....


Pray for her or him....


Learn to say no...don't be an enabler......


Be soft...but strong....protect your self... We cannot save everyone...


You can only help if they want to be helped....


sometimes doing nothing is the best thing....move on...sometimes people need to be alone to figure out what is wrong in their life.  I know sitting with my self taught me how to fix me...I gave my friend books and told her about meetings and it only made her mad.. so I just don't call.  And when she calls I listen...I don't give advice...so she can listen to herself.....sometimes that's all they need....My friend is still lost....I've done all I can...


Hope this helps you.

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 18, 2009 - 11:03AM #3
Megulator2
Posts: 162

I think this is good advice. Listen if she needs to talk, but only if you feel you can. One thing that helped me in this area is Caller ID. If I don't feel up to talking, I will call back when I do :)

Meghan
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5 years ago  ::  Jul 18, 2009 - 3:51PM #4
belleo
Posts: 2,871

Jul 17, 2009 -- 5:14PM, Therese Borchard wrote:


Hi. I just received this email from a member, and thought it would make for a good discussion thread. I have learned so much from all of you in this area, so maybe you can give her some wisdom.


She writes:


I'm in the process of dealing with a toxic friend.  She is broken, in a different sort of way.  We no longer have anything in common except for the past.  Her relationship is highly destructive for me...I do not know how to handle it.  She's narcistic and very much a user.  Help!





So you used to be friends with her ? You were getting something out of the friendship at one time . It seems that she has changed some and she is no longer a good friend . And you say she is narcistic now. She must have been like that before . Now what I am thinking is how she impacts on you . It's destructive to you so leave her .


I am wondering since you are the one that knows her if a group mught be of help to her . Like an in person group . That was suggested to me at one time and it did help

Just me
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5 years ago  ::  Jul 19, 2009 - 2:08AM #5
Arianna
Posts: 1,317

I agree with Marie~~~TOXIC &  A USER....


Toxic people have been all around in my PAST,  NO MORE.


You know the answer, read what you wrote.


It's simple.


I hope you do what's RIGHT FOR YOU.


Julie

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 6:37AM #6
shocharah
Posts: 670

I have a friend who was always there for me when I was hurting, and now she's hurting. But she doesn't seem to want to stop hurting. She's become toxic. I feel guilty in that I can't do anything positive for her, but she has helped me to lessen the guilt. The last few times we spoke, she refused to listen to anything I said. Actually, she did listen. She simply told me that I didn't know anything. She knew what she needed, and she definitely did not need me. I wonder what happened? Did I do something to hurt her that I'm not aware of? I still pray for her. She can be a wonderful person, and she was before she let negativity fill her.

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 7:20AM #7
mlwalker
Posts: 211

Boy this a subject i can relate to.I have been freinds with someone foe quite awhile who latle is on the all about ne kick and always had negitive things to say instead of being supportivesad think is i look back and realize she always has been that way.I just have been freinds so long i guess i never realized it till latley.Its hard to break away because she one of the few people i have in my life but i see even though it means backing off that sounds like what i really need to do because i always come out in then upset or depreesed.

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 11:30AM #8
Weeble75
Posts: 503

Dylan, it's quite possible (if not probable) that you haven't done a thing wrong.


You didn't say whether she has been diagnosed with a disorder or even that you suspect a particular one. If she does, it's more than likely "the illness talking" than anything she's saying.


In my experience, once I have an idea of what another person is dealing (or not dealing) with, I can separate the "real person" from the "sick person". It gives me a way to stay sane in working with that person, knowing that the behavior that is bothersome or offensive isn't truly coming from that person, but from their illness.


In the words of a Gospel song, the other person may need us to "look beyond their fault and see their need". Not necessarily the expressed need, but the true need. It can be hard to look past what they're *saying* is their need to the deeper stuff that's going on. It's also hard for me to look to their true need without seeming condescending (even if only within myself).


As usual, no easy answers, but I hope this gives you some added insight.

Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down
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5 years ago  ::  Jul 23, 2009 - 9:57PM #9
June20-04
Posts: 13

Wow! I missed all these replies until Therese told me where to look...I'm not very good at getting around this site yet.  One of them, 3 days ago, mentioned a friend who's "slogan" is:  "It's all about me".  That hit me!  That's my "toxic" friends favorite logo and she says it all the time when she's being self centered.  I am realizing that she has ALWAYS been the way she is, it's just that now I am seeing what an unhealthy relationship we have.  She uses me when she "needs" what I can offer (and I freely give) and when she needs something I don't have, she uses someone else.  Right now, she's using someone else but blames me for not staying in touch.  I was laid up all winter (6 months) in leg casts and unable to go anywhere.  She never called or visited (she lives a mile away!) I also gave up wine for Lent which in her view, made me no fun.  She does have a drinking problem but cannot see it (doesn't want to see it).  Her life is a mess but she blames everyone else for it.  With the "it's all about me" attitude, she has become so selfish and self centered.  She has always been like this it's just that in my own brokeness I didn't see that I was just a convienence item to her. I want to be healthy.  I want to live my Faith.  I want to learn to love myself as God loves me.  This is impossible around her. I do pray for her.  She's on the road to self destruction.  I'm working hard to stay on the road to health of mind, body and soul.  It does hurt that I know she's telling others vicious stories about me to make herself feel OK.  I am trying to just move on...  

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 24, 2009 - 9:16AM #10
Therese Borchard
Posts: 141

These are really good responses. Am working on a post about and will include a link to this great thread. t

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