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Switch to Forum Live View A question....TRIGGER
9 years ago  ::  Jul 09, 2009 - 3:09AM #11
Posts: 583

 First of all, totally off topic-- Lynne!  OMGoodness! You are looking good, Mammacita!  Love the new pic. =)

And yes, I can go on and on and on and on about Service Dogs.  (Sally, too!  Her Benny is AWESOME!)   

Dylan and Mike and Lynne and Michelle and Therese and Marie....  We sometimes joke around so much that I forget why we are all here.  We all have so much 'ouch' in our souls.  I am so thankful we can be honest here and at the same time I want to say something dumb that a well-meaning but clueless friend would say... like how much I adore you guys and promise me you'll never think those things again.

But that's just it, isn't it?  We could never keep that promise.  Even as much as we would want to.

We can promise to get help or tell someone if we ever have those thoughts.

Or go straight to the ER.

Or write them down to show our doctors at the next appointment.

But we can't promise to have control over this really frustrating, disappointing, angering illness/disorder.  Hell, I ran a 5K the morning before my third suicide attempt.  I woke up that morning before and thought, "I'm going to do my hair and get ready to sing at a wedding.  I'll only go to the reception for a bit so I can get a good night's sleep before the race tomorrow.  Actually, it's probably ok if I don't sleep very much because I'm going to run this 5K and then I'm going to go to sleep.  Forever."



I hate that part.  Hate it.

But I'm not as scared of it as I used to be.  I recognize ups and downs and know that a little dip doesn't mean I'm going all the way down.   I know I have been open enough with the people in my every day life and given them words and phrases like, "Do we need to call the doctor?"  or "Are you feeling safe or do we need to go to the ER?"   

Sometimes the dark is so.... dark.  As we shed a little light on it, talk about it, it's not as scary.  Or maybe it is just as scary, but it's not so alone.  And cold.

Maybe that's all you need to ever say, Meg.   That might be enough so that your husband would be proactive enough to remove the gun if he thought you weren't doing ok.  Maybe it's enough, now that you've said something about how low you had gotten, that he can ask in that vague way that husbands do, if you, "Like, you know... feel like you did back in Germany."  



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9 years ago  ::  Jul 10, 2009 - 12:24PM #12
Posts: 162

More to think about....

Before the whole "what about if I get depressed?" thing ran through my head, I had no problem with the gun concept.

Now that it has, I like the idea less. A lot less. Much of my "uncomfortableness" has to do with my own feelings about having suicidal ideations when I'm very low. I'm a bit ashamed and embarrassed by the fact, although my logical brain knows that I don't need to be.

Mel, you seem to have channeled my husband in your post. That's exactly how he would phrase it :)

Husband and I have a long drive this weekend when we go to see his family (my SIL is throwing a welcome-home party). I may bring it up again with him on the way home and see how his thinking has progressed over the past few days...

Thanks y'all Laughing

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9 years ago  ::  Sep 04, 2009 - 10:14AM #13
Posts: 162

Since Therese has decided to feature this thread again, I thought I'd give an update...

-Note that we live in an urban area with a moderate crime rate. Not nonexistent, but not exactly the 'hood :)

1) We activated our alarm system and use it consistently

2) We've discovered that most of the neighborhood is quite intimidated by our very large dogs. The have big barks and nonexistant bites, but no one needs to know that, right?

3) Husband hasn't brought up the gun thing since the initial discussion.

Conclusion - I don't think he plans to get one for the time being. He has digested what I said and made his decision. We never have discussed it again, but I know if he still wanted to get a gun that he would be talking about it with me. So, I guess that's the end of it. We both still like to shoot when we go to his parents' house, but I don't think we'll be having a gun in the house.

I can say that I'm happy he's chosen to respect my needs and safetly as opposed to his wants. But I already knew I had a good guy.

Update finished :)

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