Hello, I'm new to the group but I've been reading BeyondBlue for over a year. I almost died one year ago, docs gave me 10% chance to live (ha, showed them), but now I've gone into such a deep depression that I can't even get out of bed.

I don't get up, I don't go out - well, once a month I have to go to the doc to get my pain meds. I pray, I pray a bunch, and my Bible Study group prays for me all the time, even though I haven't been able to attend for over a year. One of the girls calls me at least every fortnight.

I am working with the Mental Health Helpline nurse doing "talk therapy". It helped some, at least got me out from under the mountain, but I keep trying to crawl back under it. She keeps pulling me back but I'm getting tired. She is going to take me for a drive this coming Mon, I think to help break the cycle of sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

I don't even eat much because I don't want to get out of bed. Therefore, yep, I'm getting dehydrated which exaberates depression and my bodily systems don't function properly because they don't get any nurishment.

I have a good husband I have been married to for 7 years. I moved down here to Australia to marry him as I met him over the internet. That's ok - it's ok. He is starting to have a hard time with me being in bed for a year though. We do have separate rooms since 3 yrs ago due to my horrendous sleeping habits, patterns. I just read all I can to try to stay positive but I don't know how to go about getting out of bed and functioning.

I feel so darned LAZY and I never used to be. I had to retire due to my illness a year ago and I loved my job. I lost my Mother a few months ago, right before my 63rd birthday and I couldn't even go back to the States for her funeral, so I have had no closure. I still think I can pick up the phone and call her, then I remember, no I can't.

I don't know why I'm writting this. It is way past 10 days since the last one on here, I don't even know if it will go through. All I do is sleep, I'm so sick of it, what is the point if I'm just laying in bed all day, doing nothing, no housework in a year, husband doesn't lift a hand toward "women's" work. He was born and raised on a sheep station in New Zealand so his ideas of women's and men's work is a bit archaic.

He hates my cat I rescued a couple months before I got sick. We have a bird so he won't let the cat out of my bedroom. So me and Pudi are basically prisoners in my bedroom. Poor little thing has only 1/4 of a queen sized bed to live her life in. 1/4 is for my books I read and 1/2 is for me. She is able to get in the window when I open it and she does lay there a lot. I feel sorry for her and should give her away but I love her so much and she cuddles me and loves me too. So here we are.

I Thank God my husband bought me a laptop or I would just end it. At least I can converse with my sisters and daughter and other people I meet. And I read my Beliefnet almost constantly. It is what got me out of my "vast hole". I read everything I could find that was inspiration, encouraging, etc, on a 24/7 basis. Then I started feeling better and branched out to games and started feeling down again so I'm going straight back to what I did before.

Something has to break through sometime, somehow. I just wish GOD would give me a sign or something, or kick me out of bed and show me the kitchen or vacuum cleaner. But so far He hasn't and I wonder why? Oh well, this is long enough - sorry guys. Just spewing...I ask God's Blessings of peace, love, and encouragement to you all. He is out there, I think I'm just lost right now.

(Pic is of my Mother, my daughter, my grandson, and my grandaughter who is severely handicapped, but loved so much more for it.)

Hi, i'm new and i'm here because i'm blue and I been this way awhile. I'm only 21 and I feel like life isn't worth it I been depress since I was like 11.
I suffer from deep depression and social anxiety it's very hard for me to be around people and it's hard to hold a conversation with anyone. Going out and meeting someone is a hard task for me it's like jumping off a plane but for people without the issue it's like washing their hands.
Sorry if it sounds like i'm complaining I just want to talk about it. I don't leave home at all I don't work or go to school not that I can mentally do that it's hard for me to leave out my room I did therapy and took medication but I can't afford neither didn't seem to work. Chatting online is even hard to do I feel like i'm alone. I had to drop out of highschool because I wouldn't leave home and now that i'm a adult I got to take care of myself and thats hard when I didn't finish school and never worked and can't physically and mentally do the work i'm mentally drained. Everything seem out reach and push to the side learning and thinking gives me migraines. I keep telling myself if I would have got up i would be able to handle a job at least get one. I cry at night and don't sleep much or eat much and still obese.
Missing everyone that pass away 2 uncles 2 aunts 1 great-grandmother 1 grandfather 1 great uncle 1 older cousin 1 great- aunt and my cat all died between 2003-2008 I can't take it anymore it's too much I can't sleep and when I do sleep it's a long time my family usually don't see me until bed time or next morning. I don't have friends never did i'm not comfortable around anyone thats not immediate family. I don't talk on phones and I just be in my room alone laying down not sure if any doctor can fix my problem.


Sorry so long there's so many issues I didn't really know I had. Anyone wanna know more of my pathetic life send me a message.
MY name is Jahari.

A prayer: Father I thank you for all the tests, trials, and burdens put on our hearts and spirits that help us grow stronger in our faith each day. We are not whole and complete without those, without your love, or without the chance to serve our purpose in your glory. I ask that you touch many more hearts through us all this next week, and through our stories shared. Give me the strength to get this started with my story of your love in my life. Let us all, your children that we are, emerge from this renewed and refreshed. In your son Jesus name I pray. Amen!

HERE IS that story my friends, my testimony of the Lord: I've spent 10 years of my life from 98-08 married and taking care of a sick wife (Jennifer) who was fighting cancer the whole time. First was a benign Giant Cell tumor through 14 surgeries in that time, and ending with a malignant sarcoma that took her life. She even had a moment of weakness during remission about 3 years ago, in which she cheated on me with my best friend. She was hurting, she was angry, she called me a deaf butt (I'm hearing impaired), said it was no wonder I had no friends because of how weak I was. The last 2 years were the hardest. She lost one of her disability checks for the first 6 months of 2008, we lost our car, I lost my job, and we lost our apt. Meanwhile I almost lost my life in the middle of all of this in June08. During this time I also lived with a friend of ours, and my mom briefly.

Then there came the last 6 months of 2008, and the first 6 of 2009. Jennifer left me last Sept. to go through chemo and fight her cancer alone in South Carolina at her moms. The last time I ever saw her. I continued to struggle here alone myself. Living with a friend and losing my second apt., living with another friend (this was a female. The devil broke me at this point and I slept with her), and I'm now living with my mom again. Still married to Jennifer through all of this, we worked things out over the phone in her last few months). We gave our forgiveness to each other, said our love you’s one last time, and 3 days later she passed away on May 1, 2009. I heard 4 days after that, though I had felt it and called constantly all 4 days. Her family had her cremated, she didn't get a funeral, she didn't get a head stone at her grave, and they got rid of her memory just as quick. They also left me and my family out of the obituary.

This summer has been my rebuilding though. I had a job for a couple months and lost it in June, but it provided the money to quickly get things in order in my life, enough. I was approved for financial aid for college and started back. An Aunt then graciously paid off a few of my bills. Currently I’m also ready to start a new job on campus. Yes, the devil hasn’t given up. I’m in danger of losing my financial aid, which I am appealing, among other things I’m dealing with. I sleep on an air mattress that’s now up to 5 holes that I have patched. I do this in a house with no carpet, mold that threatens to take the bathroom through the floor, and major appliances on their last leg. Yes, all of this and many more obstacles that I must cross over.

Finally, I have been given so much. I found the church (CLC) that I have been attending since the beginning of summer, and I found God 100% for the first time in my life. I was baptized for the second time, now as an adult. I am refreshed and renewed in the love of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am filled with the Holy Spirit. I have surrendered my all to God, to do everything from now on, for His glory and His glory alone. Because despite all I’ve been through…I love Him, I thank Him for the life He has given me, and I am blessed that He has brought all of you into my life my friends. I ask for nothing but His love and yours in return. That is all that matters in this life, love, a bit more love, and love some more. God bless you all.

Hi, I'm having a horrible time right now, dealing with the whole toxic friend thing AGAIN. I received an email invite to her "housewarming party" given by a person I know. In it, she expressed that she realizes I have kind of bowed out of this friends life and how she would be SO HAPPY if I showed up...I'm not a light switch that can be turned off and on according to this person's mood or needs. I have been deeply hurt in the past and this is more salt in the unhealed wound. I keep crying. I keep asking God, "why is this happening? Why?" all I can do is cry. I know the person who invited me to the party has been told UNTRUTHS about me, making me look like the bad guy...that hurts, but I can live with it. I just wish this hurtful people would leave me alone...I just wish I didn't hurt so much. I just wish God would give me a break...
Nancy