Moving forward

    Monday, March 30, 2009, 1:59 PM [General]

    I haven't logged on in awhile or written in this journal.  Many things have changed since I have wrote the poem and my entry.  I still am sad for the death of the marriage and choices he has made, but I am moving on as best as possible, I feel more pity for him than hate right now (that could change, you never know what he will try to pull next).  I have retained custody of my children, moved back into my home and the first divorce hearing was kind of sad and comical all at the same time.  The sad part was I had to relive some of our memories to the court, how we used to work together, the day we became married, our children (who he has yet to initiate the court ordered visitation), and so forth.  Then the comical part....who shows up to a divorce hearing with their pregnant mistress....we haven't even been seperated an entire year and by the looks of her, she became pregnant in our marriage bed.... The judge did not take to his obvious lack of respect for his children and wife and he lost big in court.  You would think this would bring me satisfaction, but it hasn't, I find it sad and I pity him for the choices he has and is making concerning his future.  I saw so much potential in this man, but he could never rise above his past and now he is mucking around in it big time.  I know I said one day I would hope I could forgive him, not there yet, but working on it.  Right now I feel he is getting everything he deserves and it will only get worse with the one he is with.  In the mean time my children and I are doing quite well, I only have 3 months left of school and life is basically good for us.  God willing it will continue to get better and better with each passing day.

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    TODAY I WEPT

    Friday, October 31, 2008, 7:18 PM [General]

    TODAY I WEPT FOR ALL THE YEARS WASTED

    TODAY I WEPT FOR ALL THE DREAMS FORGOTTEN

    TODAY I WEPT FOR ALL THE KISSES I WILL MISS

    TODAY I WEPT FOR ALL THE HUGS I HAVE LOST

    TODAY I WEPT FOR THIS IS THE END OF AN ERA

    A TIME AND PLACE THAT CAN NO LONGER BE...

    THE HOPES AND DREAMS THAT HAVE BEEN SHATTERED

    THE UNION OF TWO PEOPLE THAT HAS BEEN BROKEN

    THE LOVE LOST AND THE FUTURE UNCERTAIN...FOR THIS IS WHAT I CALL DIVORCE....

    TODAY I WEPT....371d36d75e05eda735858f8e467be99c

    I took that next step yesterday...I filed for divorce...I had no choice...he has chosen someone else and he is not doing the right thing...  I think filing those papers was harder than walking out the door, because now i know there is no turning back... no matter how hard life was with him, its all i knew for 14 years, all the hopes and dreams you have when you meet someone and start a family you never think it will end up this way... i am not a big enough person to wish him well just yet...i hope someday i can be...i made the choice to leave and it was for good reason, but seeing him with someone else just rips my heart out and all i want to do is lash out....but i won't, i can't....i have to move on...so i filed...i push myself each day to do one more thing to move on but he creeps into my dreams everynight, and the fact that i don't have my children right now (i am fighting for custody) doesn't help my psychi any....I try to dive into the nursing books but somedays i can't remember what i have read...i am too consumed by all this, by him, by longing for my children, for longing the known...what is wrong with me...how could i want the drinking, the fighting, the yelling and everything else...don't get me wrong when it was bad it was horrible....but when it was good i felt loved and whole and complete...but the bad always outweighed the good...to the point that i had to leave...i could go on for hours trying to rationalize all of this, but i won't...so i wrote the poem instead....

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