today started just like any other. i woke up,checked my email and drank some cocoa. then i got a phone call. i looked at the number."hmm" i thought to myself."haven't heard from him in awhile." so i answered and we made small talk for awhile. then he said "i have some kind of sad news." oh my heart dropped. my mind went a mile a minute scanning faces. but before he spoke the words my mind had stopped on one face. i just knew. and yet i was still so shocked. one of our best friends and a former boyfriend of mine had passed away. 24 years old.
as so many things are, this is complicated. as i mentioned this individual is an ex-boyfriend of mine. one who took my heart as a fragile 17 year old. and broke it every way it could be broken. he was my first love. and i still have the scars.
it is hard when anyone dies. it is sad and painful in so many ways. he was so young. he never really got a chance to turn his life around. he was the one step forward two steps back type of person. i had such unbelievably strong feelings for him for so long. including anger and hurt. what do i do with them now? how do i reconcile them?
three days before christmas and i am so sad,sick and confused...