today started just like any other. i woke up,checked my email and drank some cocoa. then i got a phone call. i looked at the number."hmm" i thought to myself."haven't heard from him in awhile." so i answered and we made small talk for awhile. then he said "i have some kind of sad news." oh my heart dropped. my mind went a mile a minute scanning faces. but before he spoke the words my mind had stopped on one face. i just knew. and yet i was still so shocked. one of our best friends and a former boyfriend of mine had passed away. 24 years old.

as so many things are, this is complicated. as i mentioned this individual is an ex-boyfriend of mine. one who took my heart as a fragile 17 year old. and broke it every way it could be broken. he was my first love. and i still have the scars.

it is hard when anyone dies. it is sad and painful in so many ways. he was so young. he never really got a chance to turn his life around. he was the one step forward two steps back type of person. i had such unbelievably strong feelings for him for so long. including anger and hurt. what do i do with them now? how do i reconcile them?

three days before christmas and i am so sad,sick and confused...

my husband gave me one of my christmas presents early. we just moved out to washington and don't know where anything is. on top of that i've always been terrible with directions. i had a job interview coming up and wasn't sure how to get there. that's when he said, "i want you to open this present early." it was a navigational system for my car!! if anyone ever needed one it was me.

i was thinking this morning what an oddly appropriate gift this was for me. not just because of my terrible sense of direction. but also because of a feeling that has domintated my soul lately. it is the feeling of being lost. not just physically lost in this foreign part of the country. but also emotionally and spiritually. wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a gps for the soul? some ladies voice telling you "turn right here. read this book. say this prayer." perhaps that is why some people read the bible or the qur'an. it is their atlas, their guidebook on their journey through life. other than the prophet by kahlil gibran i haven't really found an atlas that speaks my language.