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    Sunday, March 16, 2008, 11:11 AM [General]

    I just sent my daughter off to church with her grandma.. she is going to the catholic church here and she goes to a catholic school. We dont do much religion around here.. I pray alot, but we dont do it together... there are so many things I think are crazy in a catholic religion.. but each to thier own beleiving I guess.. Anyway.. On sundays I am lonely... i miss my kids who are comming here in jsut 2 days and I just cant stop missing them I hae decided to make scrapbooks for each child, but that makes me miss them so much more.. They were suppose to come this weekend like every other weekend, but their auntie is going to iraq next week so please pray for her.. I always find myself praying for people who were mean to me or in this case hated me and i always seem to pray for them to like me or for things to get along better so my children are better off... I just tend to do that.. doesnt make nay sense becasue they did horrible things to me from teasing me uncontrollablly with my panic attaqcks to making me feel totally incompetant as a mother.. IF anything i am a mother who would do anything for her kids and I live each and everyday to see them.. they just got me wrong and most people dont understand mental illness in fact i think that if you dont have it in your family and you dont see it regulally you arnt going to know much about it.. I find that in alot fo people no knowing...even doctors..nurses..ect.. i think it should be a priority on a class for nursing or medicine that they are taught how to deal and care for people with mental illness and not shove them aside and say thier crazy..most of us arnt... but thats for another day.. here it is sunday and Ill be left to pray for the ones who need it most..

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    Missin the kids

    Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 8:08 PM [General]

    Today is of course wendsday a day that i call my other two children.. i call them every other day and sometimes everyday..but wendsdays are always hard... I left on a wendsday..i got my paper from the judge slammed into my face by my ex husband that I had 24 hours to leave my home.. to leave my children.. my son at age 4 and my daughter at just 1 year old.. I remember so clearly the pain that I felt in my heart it was like i had been hit by a truck.. How in the world was i gonna be able to leave my two babies.. I was the one who took care of them. It was me who was up all night and me who knew everything about the whole house and dealings with all the kids and now i have to take mine{ my child from a previous husband}  and leave the two i had with him.. how in the world would I explain that to my oldest child... how was a mother suppose to leave her children with the person she hated the most,,he hated i got pregnant with either one of them..always crashing his dreams.. but wanted them so id loose them.. a game played by the best..but i had to leave that wendsday by midnight,..I remember he left me there on the floor crying taking my son from me.. and he left his blanket.. the one thing he needed the most.. he left there.. I did leave and the whole way home I cried and I have no idea how i made it there..I had to go home to the two people who had kicked me out during the worst time of my life.. admit i was a failure and let them control me again.. taking my oldest child saying I was not in the right fram of mind.. so I lost myself.. the pain of loosing my kids made me loose my mind and i attempted suicide.. I did this before the divorce was final so therefore... he got custody.. I get them every weekend and call whenever, but its not the same... not the same as reading to them everynight.. tucking them into bed.. doing the mommy things that I miss.. they live an hour and a half away but I go there whenever I can to be with them much to his dislike.. IF my ex husband had it his way I would have died when I attempted suicide.. he hates me and the feelings are quite mutual but out of respect and love for my children I do not display my feelings... My children are my life.. the only thing in life that i feel i have done right they are beautiful and happy and very healthy and they bring so much joy into my today i just miss them.. I miss them alot and I pray they know how much i love them....I will go to bed praying for them mostly tonight because it is their night.. love you babies...mommy
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    start of the day

    Thursday, March 6, 2008, 10:22 AM [General]

    Today I wake up feeling way out of control.. i have to go the doctor today.. I new one.. Not wanting too at all and actually wanting to cancel because i am already starting to panic.. adam will be waking up soon.. he'll want me to go, my knees are hurting so bad and they grind when I move a certain may so that is basically saying to me that my disease has spread to my knees ..and the only thing to do is replace them too... Not that i have anything better to do than have another surgury after having 2 already this year.. I have 3 children my oldest is 13 at her time in her life when I need to be watching her closely, I have 2 other children a son who is 9 now and a little one ..not really.. who is 6 a girl.. they live with thier father. my ex husband who is a completely different story.. he is a great dad and can do the things I cannot do like today...leave this house.. Im frozen with panic.. Most of these doctors dont understand panic or anxiety.. medical doctors that is.. i think they put you off as crazy or not as important.. that is how ive taken it in anyway.. spring and summer.. are my two favorite times of the year.. I have seasonal effective disorder also, so I do not go out in the winter and I hate snow and I am depressed.. so the next two seasons are my life.. I am outside all the time, i do not leave my home, but i am outside.. loving flowers.. gardening and swinging... and of course smoking ciggarettes.. going to be quitting the 20th for my 100th try.. another thing the doctors dont understand.. how do you quit smoking with panic disorder?  is it even possible?  I have quit using methampethamine before, and I was a horrible addict.. weighing in at 72 pounds going into treatment but have been clean for the last 10 years.. but this smoking thing.. its hard.. its crazy.. I hate smoking i smell and it makes me sick.. i have asthma why in the world would i smoke?  who knows.. I cant quit.. I am using prayer as one of my tools to use to quit and i find that writing helps alot.. im not sitting here smoking.. anyway... my appointment is at 3 today.. I will sit here most of the day thinking up reasons to not go and eventually make myself panic so i either dont go or adam will get upset and i will go.. I hate it when he worries about me.. he is so kind and loving to me and when he sees me hurting and there is nothing he can do I feel for him.. adam is alot younger than me actually 9 years younger.. thats is also a great love story that also will end up without a husband..I am on disability and we cant get married because of my health issues we cannot afford to pay for 2 surguries every year for the rest of my life.. not even one every 5 years.. we cant afford my health care so we cant get married .. right now i get the goverment and the state to pay and it cost very little.. he is a hard worker.. and makes good money but not a college graduate or anything like that but we are happy with what we have.. he give s me respect that no other person has and he has loved me through the worst times in my life and when he worries i cry and go.. so well see ... after 3 if i go or if I stay....
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    Missin Mommer

    Wednesday, March 5, 2008, 6:02 PM [General]

    I Just was thinking to myself about the people in my life... Ones who taught me a great deal about love and compassion for others and ones who taught me negativity.. one would think that a person parents would be the ones who would teach a child to love unconditionally and to forgive and not judge one another, especially my parents..the devoted catholics they claim to be.. they pay tons of money to the church and they go to the church meetings.. on the church boards and all that.. lector at masses..but yet judge their own children and try to control every aspect of their lives and never accepting them for who they are.. point being.. one day I was at my daughters basketball game with adam, and my father walked in and acted like he never saw me because God frobid that the others would see him acknowldege me.. I am the fallen daughter.. the one who didnt graduate catholic school in fact the one who didnt graduate at all.. I was in foster home after foster home trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with their daughter.. it was always someone elses problem to fix.. someone elses issues to discuss with me.. But the one person in my life who kept me sain.. loved me with all her heart was mommer..  a grandma and best friend.. she brought me in on the nites I had been up on drugs that I had been kicked out of the house, the days my parents took my child and even though I had been clean several years fought me in court to keep her.. although they didnt win.. mommer was always there to keep me at me patience.. guiding me wherever i needed.. helping with dr. apt. ect.. I returned that favor to her when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it wasnt but 5 months and she was gone,, but in that 5 months I think I found some sort of peace in god.. I didnt have much faith,. but when the father came in to give last rites.. she literally sat up in bed after being comatosed for 2 days.. and looked at father and laid her head back down and was more peaceful even though she didnt pass away right after that,, it was hours later, but I felt a comfort in the room.. she was my best friend and now shes gone.. every day i think of her and I miss her terribly.. I think of her as my angel now, I go to her gravesite and pray for guidance and even if its once out of 10 i get it.. I still believe in her and her love..She had so much faith in me and so much kindness towards me that I can honeslty say if anyone has made an angel out of themselves and showed me love unconditionally it is her..
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    Is today the Day?

    Wednesday, March 5, 2008, 12:57 PM [General]

    Here I am starting a new thing in my life that I really know nothing about, but I always will give things a try, they just never seem to work out or I give up myself. . I was told by my counselor to try and journal online but online at a christian or faith belief website... I cant stand the fake people and the lies and the hurtful things that go on on alot of the other websites and right now am struggling daily with keeping my 13 year old off the computer.. I almost hate it but I am giving this one a try.. From now on I am going to post the first thought of my morning and the last thought before I shut off the computer at night.. I will guarantee that most will be unhappy moments and moments of panic and moments of not understanding things that have happend in my life and the frustrations of the future..

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