I am always so amazed at how I am taught, how I learn and remember, how I stray, fall down, fail so often, and I wonder how, HOW can I ever be forgiven of what I do, my sins, sins that I seem to get a handle on and then I start all over, failing and falling again.

I know in my heart when I do something that I shouldn't, I know right away how wrong it is. So, why do I continue to do so? Petty things. Why am I so petty, why am I so weak?

I have a goal, and my goal is to start working on each sin that I commit, to correct it. I have already come so far in changing my heart, my spirit in connection with those around me, and I have seen so many warm reactions, so many people that I have maybe warmed their lives just a little. Its a good thing for me.

I will start by making sure that I continue on this road, no matter how many times I fall down, I will get up and keep on. I now know that failure and falling is going to be a part of me, but I have to keep on. 

I have been faced with many trials, some not very pretty, but I have succeeded in continuing on. 

Faith has gotten me here. Faith, love, hope and patience have brought me where I am today, and it is such a better place than I was yesterday, and the day before.

My Father, I am grateful for your love, kindness and patience with me. I pray that you help me to continue on, serving you and bringing you happiness in my choices, that I may prepare myself for what it is that you have me here for. Thank you for my blessings in my life, for the trials that I have gone through, and for your unending love for me. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made of your son, for me, and all of us here. I pray that I will fill myself with your love, with kindness in my every thought, words and actions that I speak from within. Amen.

I woke this morning to a sunny light

waking from a restless night.

He held me close, holding me dear

I could feel Him always near.

I felt lost at times, so afraid

looking down at the bed I made.

He led me away, but I wanted to hide

I fell down and I just cried.

He lifted me up, He sat me down

through tear filled eyes I looked around.

I heard Him in my heart words ringing clear

it ehoed from around far and near. 

He said like a whisper and thunder above

I give you forever my unconditional love.

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the fruit^A)"> of the Spirit is love,^B)"> joy, peace,^C)"> forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,²³ gentleness and self-control.^D)"> Against such things there is no law.

James 1:12

¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial^A)"> because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life^B)"> that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Heck, its been awhile since I posted here. I have some thoughts that I just want to relieve myself of, and just to find a way to cope with them.

I work with my stepmom, whom I have always had a good relation with. I do know that she has a lot of stress factors in her life, and I am understanding of that. She has her mom living with her and is now in charge of an elderly cousin as well. I know that my father abused her throughout their marriage, and I know that he cheated on her throughout alot of the marriage, and I feel that at times she is very bitter. She has health issues as well, and one of them is skin cancer, which I think has her really frightened. I dont know if she gets angry because I can be happy with all the problems in my life, is she jealous because I am moving forward? Is it because she maybe feels as if she is losing control of us and maybe just losing control of order in her own life?

Where I have a problem here is that she has become very criticizing for just about anyone, and instead of coming in and saying good morning or anything positive, its usually negative coming out of her mouth or even hateful comments. There have been very hurtful comments about the way I dress or do my hair or even if I wear a very small amount of makeup, as I don't wear much. She is constantly, behind backs mostly, saying nasty things about people. UGH!!

Yesterday, I was talking to one of our friends, and as she came in I told her good morning, and asked her if it was cold enough. Her reply, no, and I said its too cold for me. She told me I am wimpy, just like my husband, that I never used to be wimpy. And then she told me yeah, just like your husband. And you lie like your husband. So I said, Oh, ok, I am wimpy and I lie. I am a wimpy liar. And she said yes, you are, just like your husband. Where this all came from I don't know.

It has been 2 years since I learned my husband cheated over the course of 22 years and lied to me, but since I found out he has been I think truthful. Gut feelings more than anything tell me that.  I just don't understand this at all. I understand that they, my father and stepmother dont have the greatest feelins for him, but they refuse to aknowledge him now, and not even willing to talk to him. He has worked hard to make our marriage work, and it is. I made the mistake of talking to her about the affairs, as we were close to do so, and it was a very big mistake. She became very ugly and hateful towards him immediately.

I have a coworker that anytime something goes wrong with him getting his stuff done and it, in a way, being all about him, he gets really angry. He will tell me I am not doing what I am supposed to, that I make sure that every one else is taken care of and that I do things on purpose to make it that way. He has told me that I have made things up with numbers and so on. After all of this and after I have to basically prove to him that I am in the right and he is in the wrong, he will come back in a couple of days to apologize. I have started yelling back at him when he is confrontational, I am not a confrontational person but learning to be so, and will usually quit talking as for me that is the best defense.

I do not want to say ugly things that will hurt either of them, and I dont want to be the post that gets beaten on just because they themselves are not having a great day or whatever sets them off. I am tired of it. I am tired of the negativity and keep  trying to find ways to correct without being ugly or hateful. I do bookkeeping and do it very well. It somedays is to the point that I consider looking for another job (I work for my dad and stepmom, with another brother as well). 

My halfbrother is to the point as well of really saying something hurtful to his mom, and he is like me, doesn't want to but we think that it is coming to that. He knows too that stresses cause a lot of this, but for it to be ongoing is very hard at least for me. I relish the days that I know that she wont be in, and when the coworker goes out in the field.

I was doing pretty good with starting to read scriptures, as that is what got me through the affair, prayer and scriptures. I will pick up my bible and start where I left off, and then put it down. I don't read everyday, but when I do, its hard to put the bible down. 

Saying in my mind the 23rd Psalm has helped and other scriptures. I am venting here, but if you have any favorite scriptures to help stay positive, and to maybe help me to find a way to say, hey you are being ugly and hateful without being ugly myself, I would love to see what you suggest.

This site has been a blessing to me to have found it, and I really love what everyone posts here. Blessings to all.

So here we are coming to the end of another year. A new year, a new day, a new life. 

We all have the power to change our lives, to become more happy inside, which makes those around us happy as well. We have the power to be at peace with ourselves, though the journeys walked, may not have always been what we imagined that our life would take us. Without all the hardships, good time, bad times, sad times, happy times, through anger, tears, bitterness, through tears of joy, love and fun, we would not be here, where we are today.

Enjoy life, moment by moment. Turn loose of your past. If you are living in your past, then you cannot enjoy today. Let it go. Don't worry about tomorrow, it may never come, so enjoy today. Love, laugh, live. 

We learn through our mistakes. We learn through others mistakes. We all do things that may confuse others as to why we do them. We persevere when others may give up. We make choices that may make others unhappy or uncomfortable. But then, we live with those choices. We are shaped by them, and usually the outcome is better in the long run. 

I know that I have been through all of this. I know that I have learned, grown, and come to peace with my life. I have learned that letting go of my past is the best thing for me. To let go of grudges, painful memories, things that seemed to have a hold over my head. I now, don't let them take hold, and while the memories are memories, I can look back and even laugh. I know I am ok today, and will be ok as each moment comes my way.

Forgive. Easier said than done. But, when started and when it becomes a part of your life, you realize how much easier your life becomes, how much more satisfied you are with your life, and you realize that forgiving is really for you. You realize that you were holding onto things that drug you down, and now you can lift you up where you belong. 

I love my life. I have no regrets. I wonder, sometimes, if I had realized this back then, how different my life might have been, but then, I didn't and so I don't linger. I can't live my life in what ifs.

So to all my family and my friends, I love you, may you find peace this coming year, in your hearts, soul and spirit, may your life be filled with love and kindness. May God always hold you in His hand.