Sunday, June 6, 2010, 8:57 PM [General]
Once I took care of that situation with my mothers death my father was constantly calling me. I finally changed my number. It was such a messy time in our lives. Well since all of that 7 years have passed and I'm remarried to the most wonderful person. He's never raised his voice to me and has treated me with respect and I'm now learning what a healthy relationship should be like. My children are thriving and love their stepfather. He is such a wonderful role model for them. Through all of this it was so difficult to keep a job and stay focused. I'm staying home for a bit with my children this summer but find the quiet to be so deafening. I'm trying to make friends but I still can't trust anyone but my husband and children. I wish I could let my guard down and just live without the emotional baggage I have. I've been in therapy for years but this is who I am and I have to accept myself. I've lived through so many heartbreaks and just have to find a way to allow myself to be happy. I hope this helps someone out there even though I haven't figured everything out yet. I'm still a work in progress. My only hope is to remain healthy and be a great person to my family. I think today has been a tough day but I know it's just one day out of many great days and it will pass. This is the interesting thing about depression just know it can get better with medication and therapy and sometimes you just have a bad day. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Take care, everyone!
Sunday, June 6, 2010, 8:41 PM [General]
At this point, we had our huge house on the market and I moved to an apartment with my children. Our entire life turned upside down. My husband could not understand why I wouldn't stand by him during his transition to becoming a woman. Looking back on this marriage I blamed myself for everything that went wrong including my young son being abused by a rich neighbor's son. I filed charges on the abuser and the case went to trial. My entire family was raked over the coals and of course my abuse came up and I was nailed to the cross for it. As if it was my fault it happened or my abuse happened. The abuser was found not guilty and we were crushed. What I finally learned from that situation was I fought for my son and I told him I believed him. It's something I was never told when my abuse happened. During the separation my husband wouldn't help us financially and at that point I was a stay at home mom and hadn't worked for 9 years due to raising my children. I was not going back to my husband and putting my children through pain and suffering watching their father become a woman. My son had gone through enough and so had I and this situation was not healthy for sexual abuse survivors. We struggled financially like lots of people do everyday but what made it worse was the 2 years of abuse we had to tolerate until we were divorced. During those 2 years, we had our utilities shut off struggled with not having enough food and to top it off my mother was killed in a car accident. It was the one thing I dreaded because I had to see my father again and of course I had to make the funeral arrangements. Everyone was so helpless and I was not supported emotionally during this time. I went to my mothers home and she was living in horrible conditions. Looked like a hoarders home. It made me so sad.
Sunday, June 6, 2010, 8:18 PM [General]
I'm 5'7" and weighed 125 pounds. I dropped to 82 pounds which was full blown anorexia. I had no idea I was so thin. I went to a therapist and ended up having an affair with him. By this time my husband was into partying and drugs. He was in the military but in the 70's there was no such thing as drug testing. My bio father was also an alcoholic and i was so scared to drink alcohol knowing how it destroyed my family I wasn't being a part of this. Of course I didn't fit in this crowd and always spent my time alone when I wasn't working. I never felt comfortable in my skin especially being so thin and sickly I just hid all the time. Once my husband was out of the military we moved back to Texas and lived with his parents. 5 years had passed since we initially left Texas. Wouldn't you know it I was planning my escape from my husband and I found out I was pregnant. I was 21 almost 22 and thought how much worse can this get? I had my first child and by that time my husband was back in the military because he couldn't find a job in the civilian world. I stayed married to him for 10 years and finally just gave up on the marriage. I found a job, apartment and settled in with my young son and vowed I would give him a good life no matter what. 4years later I married and it didn't work out so another divorce. Then I married again 3 years later and was in that marriage for 12 years and 2 more children. My husband was a great provider and loved the children dearly but I always felt something was wrong. One other thing before I get into this discussion I never returned home to my parents and was completely estranged from my entire family. I was so afraid my children would be abused by my dysfunctional family. Well my husband of 12 years tells me he wants to be a woman. I couldn't believe it. Hadn't I paid my dues and been through enough already?
Sunday, June 6, 2010, 7:59 PM [General]
I'm 48 years old and I can't seem to shake my past. I know the abuse has defined my life but when are you over it? My abuse started approximately at age 2 and stopped at 13 years old. The abuser was my biological father. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I have many regrets in my life and can't forgive myself for my mistakes. I know I could have done wonderful things with my life but I didn't have the support of a family to protect me from harm. The abuse was not only sexual but emotional as well by my mother. She never believed me so I always feel I have to work hard convincing people I am a good person. During the abusive years we were evicted from several apartments and lived in a dirty motel or our car. Everything was being taken away whether it was shutting off our electricity, phone gas, foreclosing our home or having our cars repossessed. We didn't have food and I never felt like I was good enough to be friends with anyone. My parents kept me isolated from everyone so I wouldn't tell the dirty little secret. I attended at least 13 schools through 12th grade. I dropped out in my junior & senior year. I didn't have clothes nor any support to help me with schoolwork. If I was hungry why would I focus on my studies. I had to work and couldn't handle working 25-30 hours a week and go school. I had to ride the city bus and I couldn't manage the stress of everything. I married at 17 and moved to California from Texas and went back to high school and managed to graduate and received a small scholarship to attend community college. By that time my husband was having affairs and being abusive to me. I worked full time and attended college but I couldn't focus. I already had major issues with trust so having a philandering husband certainly didn't help the situation.