That's how I have been feeling most of today.

There's been a lot going on in my life this past few weeks. I know these challenges are a way for me to learn something, but gee enough is enough already. It feels like it's one thing after another, I'm exhausted really, trying to stay above the water and catch a breath but it's not always easy.

If there's someone up there , here's a question for you: " Can I get a break please?" 

1: My babe

2: My kids

3: Time alone, kids have not been since last night. I have time for myself for a change.

4: Wind, it's very windy in Miami today, no a/c, windows are all open.. it's nice!

5: That I'm alive .

6: The challenges I face gives me the opportunity to learn about life and about myself and to grow along the way 

Oprah has an article in this months "O magazine " where she talks about "What I know for sure" and it made me think about my own life, so I have decided to list a few things that I know for sure at this very moment !!

1: Larry is the best thing that has happened to me this past yr. I love you babe very much and want and need to thank you again for been here for me through the good and the bad.

2: I love my kids, even when I get frustrated /mad and want to sent them very far.

3: Enjoy each moment because when you think about it, that's what life is all about , a series of moments.

4: I love my family even when they criticize and judge me for been different .

5: Friends come and go, accept it and move on. They came into your life to teach your something about life or about yourself!

6: DO NOT judge a book by it's cover and that goes for people as well .

7: Love yourself for who you are and if you don't do something about that.

8: Take care of your mental health . I'm glad I'm taking the steps to do that.

9: But don't forget to take care of yourself physically,spiritually and emotionally as well.

10: Do not lie because sooner or later the truth will come out.

11: I dislike people who talk too much about NOTHING.

12: I can't expect my ex to support me when it comes to raising the kids. He is an Idiot period!

13: Been a single mother is the hardest job in this whole world but it's worth it (it beats been married to the idiot right?)

14: I miss my dad but I know he will forever be around .

15: Say what you need to say today, do not wait till tomorrow because you might not have that opportunity.

15: Be yourself and do not worry what others will say or think about YOU .

16. My instinct is always right - I should listen to it more often.

17: Actions speak louder than words - think about it!

18: YOU and only YOU is responsible for the choices you make in life.

19: Be grateful for all that you have in your life.

20: We all face challenges everyday and I believe it's from those challenges that we learn and grow ( hopefully) .

21: I'm a good person and I'm doing the best that I can and know how.

22: Be kind , loving , respect others , their opinions and beliefs.

23: Silence is golden.Take a few moments each day to be still and be silent. It's good for your body and soul.

24: Go outside and get some freah air, it will do you some good.

25: What goes around,comes around - trust me.

26: Listen to the elderly,you might learn something.

27: I need to know when to be quiet and just LISTEN.

28: You can't fix my problems, it's all up to me .

Today would have been my dad's 66th birthday. I have been anticipating this day and wondering how I would make it through it. I know..I know been a Buddhist I should not anticipate anything but I'm human and not PERFECT !

All of us are having dinner at his favorite pizza restaurant tonight,it will be nice to hang out with the family and reminisce about dad. I miss him A LOT! I know his spirit will forever be with US.

Had a pretty good week. Kids are pretty much behaving and my relationship with my family seems to be improving and for that I'm grateful

I also had the appt with the therapist and that went really well. I was happy to finally be able to let stuff out. I know the incoming sessions will help me and my relationship with Larry.

Taking a moment at a time, trying to at least.

We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.- Marie Beynon Ray

Today is yesterday's effect and tomorrow's cause.- Philip Gribble

 The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.- Buddha

Time for my weekly update !

Had an OK week even thought I have not been sleeping very well ( going to bed very late and having to get up very early!)

Had a small (Larry might say otherwise!!) meltdown while talking to Larry one day doing the week and again last night. After feeling very, very irritable and moody , feeling  physically sick and been a total PITA ( pain in you know where) to Larry   I decided to check my sugar and it was very low ( 51)  Had something to eat and about 20-40 min later I felt better.

Of course I am not sure what is going on with me,it could be lots of things. Last night I know most of it had to do with my sugar been so low plus hormones going wacko on me, everyday stress and the fact that we are not physically together.

I have been chanting but have to admit that I have not been consistent with it

Rainy here today. Went out and did a few things and finally bough another webcam so Larry and I can see each other - 

It's been a very emotional week for me. Calling sick to work last Monday because I could not face the world is very unusual for me but I had to do it. All I wanted to do was hide , be by myself and just cry!

The feeling of hopelessness, crying for no reason  and  been in a place of darkness is occurring more often , it's frustrating and bothersome.  It's been happening 2 weeks before my cycle and I sense it has a lot to do with been premenoupasal since I had experienced the famous hot flashes already among others things...

But lets not forget the fact I lost my dad back in January and I've had a lot of stress raising 2 teenager boys,plus issues at work and issues with my immediate family( looks like things are getting better between us though) financial issues , past life experiences and the fact that  I'm in love with a man that lives too far away from me. It's not easy been away from Larry but we are both aware that this is the way it has to be in the meantime BUT it will not be for long (Thank Heavens)

So here am taking one moment at a time,trying my very best to take care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Trying not to think too far ahead but I do envision the day Larry and I are together as one geographycally!

Also trying my VERY best to not think of the past ,for that is gone and there is not much I can do about it but remember the lessons learned.

I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who has supported me and prayed for me in this time of darkness and hoping that I can do for you what you have done for me. I'm grateful to have every single one of you in my life directly and indirectly because it's from all of you and from my experiences and challenges that I have learned a few things about myself , about my life and life in general.

My handsome Larry, Luthitarian, Pia, belleo, Dave, Kim, hollythecat, Cosima ,tio, melzoom,micaiah, mixedblessings, giliana, deep within ,great, teenagers mom, biglar, mlwalker, krszbc,  plaidypus. If I forgot to mentioned anyone  PLEASE forgive me. My mind is still a bit in fog , making concentration  not fully restored.

Peace and Love ~ Ana 

After calling in sick to work yesterday and hiding under my covers for most of the day, I slept pretty well, woke up this morning feeling OK and knowing I had to shower and get ready for work. In my mind I know I need to do all this but deep inside all I want is to hide once again. The crying for no reason started again while cheking emails and during the chanting a few minuts ago..Here I was thinking and consciously knowing it would make me feel better but it really made me feel worse for the first time. I could not chant but maybe 1 min..sitting here wondering how in the world will I make it through the day?????? Should I call sick once again?And what do I tell my boss? Sorry but I'm depressed and crying for no reason and I'd rather stay home and hide again??? 

I have an apt set up at the local clinic( nope I do not have insurance) for Oct 9th and that's just the initial apt, after that they will set up and apt with the therapist. Will I be able to wait till the 9th? The crying for no reason and this feeling I have that there is no light in the end of this tunnel is getting to me... I'm trying to keep moving..I know I have so much to live for and I want to live for but still..I'm feeling trapped in this darkness for now. 

 Positive thinking, words of affirmations..positive self talk..I'm trying all that, I really am !!! 

SIGH...... 

I have decided to post a weekly update on here. Larry always encourages to write..so here I am again

Sigh...

Had a pretty good week but I did I have another one of my meltdowns and honestly this time around it had nothing to do  with me been pre-menopause( yes I'm only 40 but I am feeling it already) but a lot to do with my own low self esteem at times ....

Larry is so wonderful ,supportive,caring,understanding and loving at all times BUT especially when I'm at my darkest moments and at times I wonder why the heck he is with me..putting up with my own ups and downs , my low self esteem and negative self talk and all the crying that I do on a weekly basis.

Although I know deep in my heart that Larry loves me for who I am, I have to accept it,embrace it and move on and stop asking 'WHY" . Enjoy the moment and live life to the fullest!!

Babe..I love you very much

Despite having a couple of meltdowns this week I had a better week than the last. 

I started chanting again and it has helped me out a lot!

It's a beautiful day here in Miami. My youngest son and I went out for breakfast this morning ,cleaned the inside of my car out,picked up my contact lenses and now we are home again.

Feeling better, more positive and enjoying the moment!!!

 Peace..   Ana