My therapist recommended I come to your site. I must say it is a awesome place where I hope I can find some peace and learn from others who may have some things in common with me and how they over came.
I suffer from schizo affective disorder where stress sets off a bout of bad depression and then lead to paranoid and delusional thinking. I turn my anger inwards toward myself and blame myself for what life has thrown at me. I am such a emotional mess.
I am in need of friends. I am a loner who is afraid to trust others from past hurts of what I thought were friends that were just out to use me for what they can get from me. I have been told I have to big of a heart and would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. So I have no friends because of trust issues of being hurt over and over again because I was taken advantaged of. I spend much of my time alone and housebound.
I was emotional and physically abused by my mother and older brother where I suffered depression most of my younger years. I learned to avoid confrontations. I was a very shy child and very sensitive where I would cry over everything. It was so bad that my teachers would send letters home to my mother that there was something mentally wrong with me. At that time it was very shameful to have a mental illness so I was never treated.
I am a divorced midlife woman who divorced her husband after 32 years of a very dysfunctional home life. We were divorced almost 3 years ago. He was a practicing homosexual and a alcoholic. I found him in my bed with another man after seven years into our marriage. He beat me physically when I tried to leave him. After that we had no sexual relations together but I was his cover to stay in the closet and play house for the children's sake.
I have two grown children a boy and a girl who I adore and two sweet grandsons. Unfortunately they do not live close to where I live.
I am a Christan but listen to church services on line at home. As a Christan I lay my sins at the cross but come right back and pick them up again. I can't help myself from doing this self punishing act towards myself.
Right now I am not doing very well. My ex husband passed away last month from liver failure from drinking and hepatitis from his life style of sleeping around with so many people. Although our marriage was a disaster I still cared deeply for him. I feel as if I am starting my life all over again like when I first divorced him. It hurts and is painful. I blame myself that if I had stayed with him he would still be alive because I would have taken better care of him than he did of himself.
Well I hope to meet some on line friends here and learn how to over come some of my learned bad habits that are affecting my life.