Rita Marie Hassenstab
..."7">July 4, 2008
“I understand now…”
I now understand my calling: to be an artist and show the world love through my work and presence.
I have met the man who answered my question and told me Beaver Creek is my ministry. God was talking through him. We were together at least 45 minutes. I thou rally enjoyed his stories of miracles. Overcoming a brain tumor, growing 10 times the amount of corn possible on his friend’s farm, giving millions expecting to die, and speaking of God to all who met him. It is no doubt he changed and empowered many lives. Now it is my turn.
Paula Eberhardt: gave her “…Heaven” book given to me by Mrs. Hovan to the Woman’s Showcase. Also Brian and Mary’s brochure – who she will undoubtedly call.
Too much to write today. I am going to MSUM’s kid’s 4th of July parade with my parents and Logan.
MSUM 4th of July Celebration – amazing@ I know there are a lot more like me. I was not scared for the first time at MSUM. Old lady in wheelchair followed me – I smiled. Took amazing picture of my parents and Logan by a tree.
The miracles continue and never stop…
Happiness is everywhere! I did go to the most loving, humanitarian college ever! Figured out my day is why I am so naïve and had a good laugh. His new name ‘Black Cloud.’ I told him I’d coach him!
I’m no longer an alcoholic…Last night Billy asked me if I wanted a beer and I said ‘ya’ without thinking. He brought it. I remembered the 4th parade with my parents – then simply asked God to assist me in only having a couple. I had 3…
*my miracles from God I will never reveal, they are mine and mine alone.
*our relationship is one of love and constant communication. I am no longer scared of anything as I know God is in control and He loves me.
: fireworks with Cliff and Jana. Amazing view. 3 beers and drunk cause I can feel it now.
PAINTED ‘GRANDPA’S FREEDOM POT’
Found Last Supper painting at a garage sale for $1. Amazing. Date on back: Christmas. Woman found (got) it with a box at an auction.
Saw Serena N (from Hornbacher’s) at K-mart. Amazing! Sophia is 5! Told her about
I am so blessed to have a wonderful, loving friendship with my mom. We are new friends who love each other’s company and guidance. She is an amazing woman and always was. I see that now. We both understand the importance of living simply and enjoying the little things in life. I never imagined this day would come with I wouldn’t fear her, but accept her as a wonderful woman. I am truly blessed and thank God for giving me the best mother.
HOW TO HEAR FROM GOD
*if we want to hear from God, we must listen for His voice and keep as ear bent fro sounds of His leading.
*we must also be quick to obey if we want to hear from Him often.
*our sensitivity to His voice in our inner man can be increased by obedience as well as decreased by disobedience.
A NEW EARTH (page 162)
…The energy that was trapped in the pain-body then changes its vibrational frequency and is transmitted into Presence. In this way, the pain-body becomes fuel for consciousness. This is why many of the wisest, most enlightened men and women on our planet once had a heavy pain-body.
JOURNAL: TERRYL’S MISSIONARY
Talked to Terryl Johnson for a long time today. She is a nurse and goes to
Joyce called – they should win the settlement – 1.2 million. Hope they get at least $500,000 after lawyer fees. I still have a good relationship with both her and Mike. We do not discuss Billy. I am glad to be out of their negative, pain-bodied world. I simply can not be a part of the drama. I did try my best to help thought and have no regrets.
A NEW EARTH: ELIMINATIG TIME (page 206)
*you cannot make the egoless state into a future goal and then work toward it.
*time is the horizontal dimension of life, the surface layer of reality.
*then there is the vertical dimension of depth, accessible to you only thought the portal of the Present Moment.
*so instead of adding time to yourself, remove time. The elimination of time from you consciousness is the elimination of ego. It is the only true spiritual practice.
GOING BEYOND LIMITATION: (page 211)
*limitations either keep you trapped in egoic reaction, which means intense unhappiness, or you rise above them internally by uncompromising surrender to what is.
*that is what we are here to teach.
*the surrendered state of consciousness opens up the vertical dimension in your life, the dimension of depth.
*something will come forth from that dimension into this world, something of infinite value that otherwise would have remained unmanifested.
*some people who surrender to SEVERE LIMITATION become healers or spiritual teachers or creative gift to the world.
*a powerful spiritual practice is consciously to allow the diminishment of ego when it happens without attempting to restore it.
*God is formless consciousness and the essence of who you are.
BUDDAH – MEANS ‘MAN’ AND ‘NO’
3 ASPECTS OF TRUE FREEDOM / ENLIGHTENED LIVING:
*all creativity comes out of inner spaciousness
*conscious breathing stops your mind. You cannot think and be aware of your breath at the same time.
*as awareness grows, addictive patterns will weaken and eventually dissolve.
INNER AND OUTER SPACE (page 250)
*when you become aware of your inner body, what is really happening is that the intelligence is becoming aware of itself.
*99.99% of the physical body is empty space!
*your physical body, which is form, reveals itself as essentially formless when you go deeper into it.
*it becomes a doormat to inner space
*although inner space has no form. It is intensely alive. That ‘empty space’ is life in its fullness, the Unmanifested Source out of which all manifestation flows. The traditional word for that source is God.
*when I no longer confuse who I am with a temporary form of ‘me,’ then the dimension of limitless and the eternal – God – can express itself though ‘me’ and guide ‘me.’
THE ALL-IMPORTANT QUESTION:
“at this moment, can I sense the presence of inner space, which really means, can I sense my own Presence, or rather, the presence that I AM?
Am I not only aware of what is happening at this moment, but also of the NOW itself as the living, timeless inner space in which everything is happening?”
*as much as possible in everyday life, use awareness of the inner body to create space.
*when doing _ feel the aliveness at the same time.
*through complete awareness of the form of NOW, you become internally aligned with space, which is the essence of NOW.
*through acceptance, you become spacious inside.
*aligned with space instead of FORM: that brings true perspective and balance into you life.
INNER SPACE – the gap of alert attention before your mind names or interprets what you see or hear.
-may leave you speechless
*you need to loose yourself to find yourself – Jesus teaching
STILLNESS – another word for SPACE
*to be still is to be conscious without thought
*your life has an inner purpose and outer purpose.
INNER – concerns being and primary
OUTER – concerns doing and secondary
AWAKENING – shift in consciousness in which thinking and awareness are separate.
PARADOX OF TIME
Whatever you do takes time and yet it is always NOW
“the great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for.
NATURE – the creative power of the Universe
*be true to life by being true to your inner purpose
*as you become present and thereby total in what you do, your actions become charged with spiritual power.
*when you meet someone – give them you full attention.
You are no longer there primarily as a person, but as a field of awareness, of alert Presence.
YOUR INNER PURPOSE (page 274)
- some changes may look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for soothing new to emerge (breakup with Billy)
- when you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life
The brain does not crate consciousness, but conscious created the brain, the most complex physical form on Earth, for its expression.
ENTHUSIASM (page 301)
*when you add a goal to the enjoyment of what you do, the energy-field or vibrational frequency changes.
*at the height of creative activity fueled by enthusiasm, there will be enormous intensity and energy behind what you do.
*when there is stress, the ego has returned, and you are cutting yourself off from the creative power or the Universe.
Enthusiasm – ‘being possessed by God.’
JOURNAL: DAY WITH MOM
Mom came at 10 to take me bra shopping. She also got me clothes at the mall. Continuous compliments about how wonderful and young I look. We then went downtown to look at all the shops. My first art experience was with my mom! We had a wonderful time! I was amazed at how similar my paintings are to those ‘professionals.’ I asked a lot of questions and found that nobody was aware of ‘painting glass’ and my nitch is still unique.
I feel so fulfilled with this experience and confident in my work. There is no doubt my paintings will gain recognition.
What was so wonderful was how we related as friends – best friends who knew each other forever. My mom told me she looked at my website pictures 4 times a week when discussing nature photography! I was shocked. Then I showed her my recent paintings and she loved them. I really think she understands me now.
JOURNAL: LAST NIGHT: BIG D’S
To try to explain would be impossible. Had great conversations with many. Peggy (Dawn’s neighbor and my massage therapist) discussed her leaving her abusive boyfriend. God – please help her – she is very amazing – we are a lot alike in our spirituality and being. She said she asked God for help and He said ‘be still.’ She told me her initial reaction to meeting me was I am extremely wise for my age. I explained that I found my wisdom through my extreme hatred and unlove for my self. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them how depressed and self centered I used to be. I see it in everyone now and know not to try to change them, but to listen and offer advice. It is not my job to change and help others – but God’s and their own responsibility. I no longer feel bad or let their sadness sadden me. God is obviously in their lives and their hurt is a good thing if they learn from it – as I did.
JOURNAL: A DOVE AND THE LITTLE DIPPER
Had an amazing night with Don. After getting a movie we saw a dove fly away (very close) from my bird feeder. Then I was out smoking and found the little dipper.
My dad came over after Joyce called my mom and told her they are getting an attorney because I am a drunk. I told my dad the truth. I also told him I am an angel and about the old woman who came to me that afternoon. I tried to tell him I will be rich from selling my art – it wouldn’t come out though. Today I will go downtown to give my art to the gray haired lady with the Springer spaniel. I will tell her to sell my art and give me half. Whatever she feels it is worth is fine. I am doing what God says – everything will be ok – I am in complete trust of Him. Now is the time to share His work with the world. I must take action NOW and stop hording it to myself.
I will make the choice.
Dropped half my art off at Shotwell Floral two days ago. Mr. Shotwell told me his wife does all the purchasing and will get back to me Monday. Today I will drop off the other half at the Boutique with the woman with white hair and glasses.
JOURNAL: CABLE TURNED OFF TODAY
Well…I was with
I was very mad, scared, anxious at first. Kept thinking about the gorgeous girl – Heidi? – at Pointe West 6 (apartments I used to manage) who was 18 with a year old son and no cable.
I just decided to make the best of this as I have gotten to the point where I hate TV anyway. I have plenty to read and will go to the library. There is such a relieving sense of peace in the air now.
JOURNAL: LOVE COMES SOFTLY
Amazing. Life. God. Angels.
I cannot begin to explain how my life is now. No words for it. I feel God’s presence in all I do, think, act and be. I see Him everywhere and know everything will be OK. I really miss my mom, however enjoy the new relationship I have with my dad. Miss my son (Billy has him every other week), however enjoy rejuvenating alone and with Don.
God (or my ego?) has told me over and over – ‘do not like Don – he is bad.’ I know Don is a player etc. however he is the reason I am not with Billy (he doesn’t know that). He is what got me here. Although I know I owe him nothing, I feel a special relationship with him. Especially since I know him now.
I miss my mom tremendously, however feel free now that she knows I am not perfect – I DRINK!
JOURNAL: DIARY: A NOVEL BY CHUCK PALAHNIUK
Crazy. Saw it the first time I was at the library on 32cd getting DVDs. Saw it again the second time and checked it out. Couldn’t put it down all day. Thank you God. This book is about art. About artists and their power and how they JUST ARE DIFFERENT. About me. About me NOT needing art school to be who I already am. – an artist. I will change the world. I love you God.
My life is so amazing and I now embrace every moment and thank God. SO many things have happened. My new best friend – Michelle (my resident 1905-A, pharma rep, beautiful, amazing!) and I appreciate each other SO much. I cannot believe the fulfillment I get out of being with her! She is truly empowering and constantly tells me the same. We went to church Sat night (Holy Cross). To my amazement Father Myer is now the priest there! We will be doing bible studies every Monday. I cannot believe I finally have a positive, wonderful, beautiful, appreciative, religious friend like her. Thanks God!
God told me not to worry about getting a bonus today – so I didn’t. I know and trust Him. I was expecting $277 again. WRONG $601! I was shocked! I don’t worry about money anymore as I don’t need anything. God always supports me! I got
After work I took
JOURNAL: NATALIE AND PIXIE
Last night on our walk
I’m reading ‘Wyeth People’ by Gene Logsdon. Crazy! It is so empowering, written 30 years ago. Wyeth and I are so alike as artists – only opposite!
JOURNAL: BE YOUR OWN MANTRA
A new form of meditation – High Plains Reader
Too much happening now to write about. However I will always have the pictures I have been taking since getting my camera.
Read: ‘Wyeth People’…moved me because I understand it so well…how Wyeth was, who he was, how he painted, what he thought about…the magic that happened and I realized I have the same calling as he did 70 years ago. I am to use all my creative, peaceful, loving, empowering energy to paint and show the world they are fee. ‘By my hand you shall be freed’ (the Lost Choice).
Now reading: ‘Mockingbird: a portrait of Harper Lee’
So unbelievable! My dad wasn’t aware it was published last year! And his favorite book is ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ and he called me Scout after Scout Finch when I was little. I am so in love with discovering about who I am because I am amazing. This is why I am reading about the real life of the author (Scout) Nelle Lee. We were very alike as children. Tomboys, empathetic to the underdog, misunderstood. The difference between us when we were young is Nelle embraced her individuality and developed her awareness of her creative talent then. I felt ashamed, like I didn’t belong and so I spent all my energy, thoughts, and time pretending then believing I was someone I am not. Creative, spontaneous, independent and don’t give a shit what you think, however we do love you.
This morning I took
High Plains Reader article: Be your own Mantra: ..."9">9/4/08: a new form of meditation.
Dr Vidya Anderson, president of the meditation society:
“…interestingly, Gururaj said he studied all religions in the world, then he had this to say after he experienced the reality of God:”
“I burnt all the books, because the books gave me nothing. They confused me more and more. Mind you, for the beginner these little gymnastic exercises are good because they attune you to higher things. But please remember, they cannot lead you to God. God or Divinity could never be analyzed, only experienced.
We’re here to live our lives, to experience and know who we are. Everything that happens is FOR us not TO us.
We learn from it all.
It’s a fullness of experience.
There are a lot of times you can’t know with the mind (the finite). When you open the heart through meditation, you begin to know with the heart (the infinite).
That is vast knowingness.”
Throughout my time, until today, I was continuously concerned with the question:
“How will I get my career as an artist going? Who will I contact, how, what will I charge…”
Today I was letting Fritz and went to the bathroom at Jack and Barb’s. I was thinking about going downtown, hauling all my beautiful paintings around etc. (I have already handled plenty of rejection, so my confidence and spirit and soul were not a concern.
I then realized:
‘No artist will be able to understand, I am so unique that I do not need help. I will succeed myself.’
Plan of Action:
Listen. When the right art fair happens, I will be there. I will buy my own booth space and sell my art for the price it IS worth to the people. This will start my career off with a bang and I will be a famous artist, living a peaceful, calm, loving, fun, empowered life by 071509 – three years after I began.
The Spirit Room
I will be attending Dr Vidya Anderson’s meditation lessons this month. This will be my first time going to the Spirit Room and I know the experience will be worth the wait. And I am as calm and confident as ever.
It has been bothering me knowing my future house (at least the den and kitchen area – only place I’ve really been) is cluttered. Knowing that clutter is BAD (at least programmed to know through research) I just could not understand why I would have a messy house. Now I know:
My art work needs to surround me – not be boxed up and forgotten about. When finished I now decorate with it. SO my thoughts and understanding deepen for the people I will set feel.
JOURNAL: HOLY CROSS / THE BIG CHILL
Yesterday Kit and Tank (Tess renamed Mark) went home.
Watched ‘The Big Chill’ last night and finished this morning – amazing movie!
Went to church with Logan and Michelle – great! Lutheran side first then ours. Amazing energy the whole time.
*best time to be alive – now –
knowledge is at our fingertips
*everything is energy – everything is the same!
*share with others – one thing past people didn’t share until now
*we are an energy field – now we see that
*we are a spiritual being living in a large spiritual field
*you are God manifested in human form – made to perfection
*85% of families are dysfunctional (I guess I am not unique to be a victim)
JOURNAL: THE SECRET MOVIE
Just talked to Jana McDonald (my neighbor) and told her she should watch the movie ‘the secret’ – she has it. GO FIGURE! Jana and Cliff are AMAZING!
JOURNAL: ‘THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD’ MOVIE
Amazing! I am Haley Barry in this movie! She understands me. I had an amazing lunch date with Rich!
JOURNAL: ‘HEAVEN’S FIRE’
Just created – amazing.
Throughout the bible reading from yesterday – that most people (Christians) are unbelieving and angry that first you must pass through the fire to test if your creations on earth were for God or for Yourself. If you pass your creations turn to gold – if you fail they burn – so do you.
Make people emotional about my painting ‘Heaven’s Fire’ so they think about it. (I know my work will pass!)
JOURNAL: ASK GOD QUESTIONS
I just did 7th Path with and asked God if I’m on the right path.
God’s answer surprised me:
“Rita you need to ask me questions all the time! Yet you never do because you feel ashamed and unworthy.”
I understand this TOTALLY! Now I realize I have been acting as though I do not have the right to ask God questions! A big part in my never asking is how ashamed I feel about drinking more. I do not want the direct answer because I know it and do not want to quit. I do not want to acknowledge my awareness of my responsibility to TOTALLY quit to God. (as if He doesn’t know!)