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    Journal 5: 2008: 'I understand now...'

    Monday, March 30, 2009, 11:56 AM [General]

     

    Rita Marie Hassenstab

    071506

    ..."7">July 4, 2008

    “I understand now…”

     

    I now understand my calling: to be an artist and show the world love through my work and presence.

    I have met the man who answered my question and told me Beaver Creek is my ministry. God was talking through him. We were together at least 45 minutes. I thou rally enjoyed his stories of miracles. Overcoming a brain tumor, growing 10 times the amount of corn possible on his friend’s farm, giving millions expecting to die, and speaking of God to all who met him. It is no doubt he changed and empowered many lives. Now it is my turn.

    Paula Eberhardt: gave her “…Heaven” book given to me by Mrs. Hovan to the Woman’s Showcase. Also Brian and Mary’s brochure – who she will undoubtedly call.

    Too much to write today. I am going to MSUM’s kid’s 4th of July parade with my parents and Logan.

    6:40 pm

    MSUM 4th of July Celebration – amazing@ I know there are a lot more like me. I was not scared for the first time at MSUM. Old lady in wheelchair followed me – I smiled. Took amazing picture of my parents and Logan by a tree.

     

    The miracles continue and never stop…

    Happiness is everywhere! I did go to the most loving, humanitarian college ever! Figured out my day is why I am so naïve and had a good laugh. His new name ‘Black Cloud.’ I told him I’d coach him! Logan was a good boy for me now thanks for my parent’s advice on letting him cry but saying ‘I’m right here.’

    I’m no longer an alcoholic…Last night Billy asked me if I wanted a beer and I said ‘ya’ without thinking. He brought it. I remembered the 4th parade with my parents – then simply asked God to assist me in only having a couple. I had 3…

    2 words:

    ACRILIC PAINT

    MILK

    *my miracles from God I will never reveal, they are mine and mine alone.

    *our relationship is one of love and constant communication. I am no longer scared of anything as I know God is in control and He loves me.

    10:30 – 11:30: fireworks with Cliff and Jana. Amazing view. 3 beers and drunk cause I can feel it now.

    PAINTED ‘GRANDPA’S FREEDOM POT’

    7.31.08

    Found Last Supper painting at a garage sale for $1. Amazing. Date on back: Christmas. Woman found (got) it with a box at an auction.

    Saw Serena N (from Hornbacher’s) at K-mart. Amazing! Sophia is 5! Told her about Logan and break-up with Billy. We are so alike and going to be great friends! She is still working at Hornbacher’s and K-mart – just graduated with paralegal and needs to get a job with her degree. I will help her!~

     

    AUGUST 2008

    I am so blessed to have a wonderful, loving friendship with my mom. We are new friends who love each other’s company and guidance. She is an amazing woman and always was. I see that now. We both understand the importance of living simply and enjoying the little things in life. I never imagined this day would come with I wouldn’t fear her, but accept her as a wonderful woman. I am truly blessed and thank God for giving me the best mother.

     

    HOW TO HEAR FROM GOD

    *if we want to hear from God, we must listen for His voice and keep as ear bent fro sounds of His leading.

    *we must also be quick to obey if we want to hear from Him often.

    *our sensitivity to His voice in our inner man can be increased by obedience as well as decreased by disobedience.

     

    A NEW EARTH (page 162)

    …The energy that was trapped in the pain-body then changes its vibrational frequency and is transmitted into Presence. In this way, the pain-body becomes fuel for consciousness. This is why many of the wisest, most enlightened men and women on our planet once had a heavy pain-body.

     

    JOURNAL: TERRYL’S MISSIONARY

    Talked to Terryl Johnson for a long time today. She is a nurse and goes to Haiti with her mom (a nurse) to help people there. We discussed how happy they are with nothing because they know God and this gives them joy and Presence. She is going to bring in pictures and I will ask if I can volunteer next time.

    Joyce called – they should win the settlement – 1.2 million. Hope they get at least $500,000 after lawyer fees. I still have a good relationship with both her and Mike. We do not discuss Billy. I am glad to be out of their negative, pain-bodied world. I simply can not be a part of the drama. I did try my best to help thought and have no regrets.

     

    A NEW EARTH: ELIMINATIG TIME (page 206)

    *you cannot make the egoless state into a future goal and then work toward it.

    *time is the horizontal dimension of life, the surface layer of reality.

    *then there is the vertical dimension of depth, accessible to you only thought the portal of the Present Moment.

    *so instead of adding time to yourself, remove time. The elimination of time from you consciousness is the elimination of ego. It is the only true spiritual practice.

    GOING BEYOND LIMITATION: (page 211)

    *limitations either keep you trapped in egoic reaction, which means intense unhappiness, or you rise above them internally by uncompromising surrender to what is.

    *that is what we are here to teach.

    *the surrendered state of consciousness opens up the vertical dimension in your life, the dimension of depth.

    *something will come forth from that dimension into this world, something of infinite value that otherwise would have remained unmanifested.

    *some people who surrender to SEVERE LIMITATION become healers or spiritual teachers or creative gift to the world.

    *a powerful spiritual practice is consciously to allow the diminishment of ego when it happens without attempting to restore it.

    *God is formless consciousness and the essence of who you are.

     BUDDAH – MEANS ‘MAN’ AND ‘NO’

    3 ASPECTS OF TRUE FREEDOM / ENLIGHTENED LIVING:

    Nonresistance

    Nonjudgment

    Nonattachment

    *all creativity comes out of inner spaciousness

    *conscious breathing stops your mind. You cannot think and be aware of your breath at the same time.

    ADDICTIONS

    *as awareness grows, addictive patterns will weaken and eventually dissolve.

    INNER AND OUTER SPACE (page 250)

    *when you become aware of your inner body, what is really happening is that the intelligence is becoming aware of itself.

    *99.99% of the physical body is empty space!

    *your physical body, which is form, reveals itself as essentially formless when you go deeper into it.

    *it becomes a doormat to inner space

    *although inner space has no form. It is intensely alive. That ‘empty space’ is life in its fullness, the Unmanifested Source out of which all manifestation flows. The traditional word for that source is God.

    *when I no longer confuse who I am with a temporary form of ‘me,’ then the dimension of limitless and the eternal – God – can express itself though ‘me’ and guide ‘me.’

    THE ALL-IMPORTANT QUESTION:

    “at this moment, can I sense the presence of inner space, which really means, can I sense my own Presence, or rather, the presence that I AM?

    Or

    Am I not only aware of what is happening at this moment, but also of the NOW itself as the living, timeless inner space in which everything is happening?”

    *as much as possible in everyday life, use awareness of the inner body to create space.

    *when doing _ feel the aliveness at the same time.

    *through complete awareness of the form of NOW, you become internally aligned with space, which is the essence of NOW.

    *through acceptance, you become spacious inside.

    *aligned with space instead of FORM: that brings true perspective and balance into you life.

    INNER SPACE – the gap of alert attention before your mind names or interprets what you see or hear.

                                       -may leave you speechless

    *you need to loose yourself to find yourself – Jesus teaching

    STILLNESS – another word for SPACE

    *to be still is to be conscious without thought

    *your life has an inner purpose and outer purpose.

    INNER – concerns being and primary

    OUTER – concerns doing and secondary

    AWAKENING – shift in consciousness in which thinking and awareness are separate.

    PARADOX OF TIME

    Whatever you do takes time and yet it is always NOW

    “the great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for.

    NATURE – the creative power of the Universe

    *be true to life by being true to your inner purpose

    *as you become present and thereby total in what you do, your actions become charged with spiritual power.

    *when you meet someone – give them you full attention.

                            You are no longer there primarily as a person, but as a field of awareness, of alert Presence.

    YOUR INNER PURPOSE (page 274)

    • some changes may look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for soothing new to emerge (breakup with Billy)
    • when you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life

    (page 293)

    The brain does not crate consciousness, but conscious created the brain, the most complex physical form on Earth, for its expression.

    ENTHUSIASM (page 301)

    *when you add a goal to the enjoyment of what you do, the energy-field or vibrational frequency changes.

    *at the height of creative activity fueled by enthusiasm, there will be enormous intensity and energy behind what you do.

    *when there is stress, the ego has returned, and you are cutting yourself off from the creative power or the Universe.

    Enthusiasm – ‘being possessed by God.’

     

    JOURNAL: DAY WITH MOM

    Mom came at 10 to take me bra shopping. She also got me clothes at the mall. Continuous compliments about how wonderful and young I look. We then went downtown to look at all the shops. My first art experience was with my mom! We had a wonderful time! I was amazed at how similar my paintings are to those ‘professionals.’ I asked a lot of questions and found that nobody was aware of ‘painting glass’ and my nitch is still unique.

    I feel so fulfilled with this experience and confident in my work. There is no doubt my paintings will gain recognition.

    What was so wonderful was how we related as friends – best friends who knew each other forever. My mom told me she looked at my website pictures 4 times a week when discussing nature photography! I was shocked. Then I showed her my recent paintings and she loved them. I really think she understands me now.

    JOURNAL: LAST NIGHT: BIG D’S

    To try to explain would be impossible. Had great conversations with many. Peggy (Dawn’s neighbor and my massage therapist) discussed her leaving her abusive boyfriend. God – please help her – she is very amazing – we are a lot alike in our spirituality and being. She said she asked God for help and He said ‘be still.’ She told me her initial reaction to meeting me was I am extremely wise for my age. I explained that I found my wisdom through my extreme hatred and unlove for my self. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them how depressed and self centered I used to be. I see it in everyone now and know not to try to change them, but to listen and offer advice. It is not my job to change and help others – but God’s and their own responsibility. I no longer feel bad or let their sadness sadden me. God is obviously in their lives and their hurt is a good thing if they learn from it – as I did.

    JOURNAL: A DOVE AND THE LITTLE DIPPER

    Had an amazing night with Don. After getting a movie we saw a dove fly away (very close) from my bird feeder. Then I was out smoking and found the little dipper.

    My dad came over after Joyce called my mom and told her they are getting an attorney because I am a drunk. I told my dad the truth. I also told him I am an angel and about the old woman who came to me that afternoon. I tried to tell him I will be rich from selling my art – it wouldn’t come out though. Today I will go downtown to give my art to the gray haired lady with the Springer spaniel. I will tell her to sell my art and give me half. Whatever she feels it is worth is fine. I am doing what God says – everything will be ok – I am in complete trust of Him. Now is the time to share His work with the world. I must take action NOW and stop hording it to myself.

    I will make the choice.

    Dropped half my art off at Shotwell Floral two days ago. Mr. Shotwell told me his wife does all  the purchasing and will get back to me Monday. Today I will drop off the other half at the Boutique with the woman with white hair and glasses. Bryan told me it is going to take off faster than ever and to listen to the woman with white hair. I guess he knows who she is. Last night Logan and I went to the park while Billy took all his stuff out of my home. I couldn’t feel better than I do now not having his negative energy in the air!

    JOURNAL: CABLE TURNED OFF TODAY

    Well…I was with Logan about 2 hours ago when it happened. At first I thought by giving him the modem I would get to keep the cable as it was free – nope. He took it all.

    I was very mad, scared, anxious at first. Kept thinking about the gorgeous girl – Heidi? – at Pointe West 6 (apartments I used to manage) who was 18 with a year old son and no cable.

    I just decided to make the best of this as I have gotten to the point where I hate TV anyway. I have plenty to read and will go to the library. There is such a relieving sense of peace in the air now.

    JOURNAL: LOVE COMES SOFTLY

    Amazing. Life. God. Angels.

    I cannot begin to explain how my life is now. No words for it. I feel God’s presence in all I do, think, act and be. I see Him everywhere and know everything will be OK. I really miss my mom, however enjoy the new relationship I have with my dad. Miss my son (Billy has him every other week), however enjoy rejuvenating alone and with Don.

    God (or my ego?) has told me over and over – ‘do not like Don – he is bad.’ I know Don is a player etc. however he is the reason I am not with Billy (he doesn’t know that). He is what got me here. Although I know I owe him nothing, I feel a special relationship with him. Especially since I know him now.

    I miss my mom tremendously, however feel free now that she knows I am not perfect – I DRINK!

    JOURNAL: DIARY: A NOVEL BY CHUCK PALAHNIUK

    Crazy. Saw it the first time I was at the library on 32cd getting DVDs. Saw it again the second time and checked it out. Couldn’t put it down all day. Thank you God. This book is about art. About artists and their power and how they JUST ARE DIFFERENT. About me. About me NOT needing art school to be who I already am. – an artist. I will change the world. I love you God.

    Rita

    JOURNAL: SEPTEMBER

    My life is so amazing and I now embrace every moment and thank God. SO many things have happened. My new best friend – Michelle (my resident 1905-A, pharma rep, beautiful, amazing!) and I appreciate each other SO much. I cannot believe the fulfillment I get out of being with her! She is truly empowering and constantly tells me the same. We went to church Sat night (Holy Cross). To my amazement Father Myer is now the priest there! We will be doing bible studies every Monday. I cannot believe I finally have a positive, wonderful, beautiful, appreciative, religious friend like her. Thanks God!

    God told me not to worry about getting a bonus today – so I didn’t. I know and trust Him. I was expecting $277 again. WRONG $601! I was shocked! I don’t worry about money anymore as I don’t need anything. God always supports me! I got Logan clothes and toys so I was excited to spoil him for once.

    After work I took Logan and Spike on a walk. We were going the usual route until a lady and dog cut us off. I laughed and said ‘we’ll go the other way!’ then realized the other way was the way God wanted me to go. We went to a park by the river off 13th avenue. I walked Logan and Spike along the river on the grass and stared in amazement. The beauty, sounds, colors and even dead trees astounded me! I will paint it. Thanks God!

    JOURNAL: NATALIE AND PIXIE

    Last night on our walk Logan and Spike and I met Natalie and Pixie. A week ago I saw her in front of us and feeling bad, decided I would touch her shoulder as I walked by (she is paralyzed). This time I saw her turn and God told me not to feel bad for her. He said she is very happy within her self. Never pity another human being – just love them. So I decided to spark up a conversation (I noticed she and I were both seduced by the geese flying in a V over our heads. God told me ‘she knows, like you know.’ She noticed me noticing the geese as well. We talked a long time. She lives in the 55+ yellow town homes (new) facing 13th in Charleswood (the ones I wanted Grandma to move to). She knew where Beaver Creek is. I have a feeling Natalie and I will become friends.

    I’m reading ‘Wyeth People’ by Gene Logsdon. Crazy! It is so empowering, written 30 years ago. Wyeth and I are so alike as artists – only opposite!

    JOURNAL: BE YOUR OWN MANTRA

    A new form of meditation – High Plains Reader

    Too much happening now to write about. However I will always have the pictures I have been taking since getting my camera.

    Read: ‘Wyeth People’…moved me because I understand it so well…how Wyeth was, who he was, how he painted, what he thought about…the magic that happened and I realized I have the same calling as he did 70 years ago. I am to use all my creative, peaceful, loving, empowering energy to paint and show the world they are fee. ‘By my hand you shall be freed’ (the Lost Choice).

    Now reading: ‘Mockingbird: a portrait of Harper Lee’

    So unbelievable! My dad wasn’t aware it was published last year! And his favorite book is ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ and he called me Scout after Scout Finch when I was little. I am so in love with discovering about who I am because I am amazing. This is why I am reading about the real life of the author (Scout) Nelle Lee. We were very alike as children. Tomboys, empathetic to the underdog, misunderstood. The difference between us when we were young is Nelle embraced her individuality and developed her awareness of her creative talent then. I felt ashamed, like I didn’t belong and so I spent all my energy, thoughts, and time pretending then believing I was someone I am not. Creative, spontaneous, independent and don’t give a shit what you think, however we do love you.

    This morning I took Logan to the Arc to drop off his old clothes etc (my things in good condition and know will send good energy / thoughts to new owners). I wasn’t going to go there though, as I saw a sign that said ‘no drop offs after hours.’ Then I said whatev, and went there. In return the Universe gave me an amazing wicker chair with cheetah pillow, fake flowers, TONS of glass, new plates (I used all mine as paint dishes) and coffee cups. AMAZING! I now have the perfect, most comfortable chair to sit in! After that I needed milk, so we went to Asgood Hornbacher’s (I also needed the new High Plains Reader).

    High Plains Reader article: Be your own Mantra: ..."9">9/4/08: a new form of meditation.

    Dr Vidya Anderson, president of the meditation society:

    “…interestingly, Gururaj said he studied all religions in the world, then he had this to say after he experienced the reality of God:”

    “I burnt all the books, because the books gave me nothing. They confused me more and more. Mind you, for the beginner these little gymnastic exercises are good because they attune you to higher things. But please remember, they cannot lead you to God. God or Divinity could never be analyzed, only experienced.

    We’re here to live our lives, to experience and know who we are. Everything that happens is FOR us not TO us.

    We learn from it all.

    It’s a fullness of experience.

    There are a lot of times you can’t know with the mind (the finite). When you open the heart through meditation, you begin to know with the heart (the infinite).

    That is vast knowingness.”

    Throughout my time, until today, I was continuously concerned with the question:

    “How will I get my career as an artist going? Who will I contact, how, what will I charge…”

    Today I was letting Fritz and went to the bathroom at Jack and Barb’s. I was thinking about going downtown, hauling all my beautiful paintings around etc. (I have already handled plenty of rejection, so my confidence and spirit and soul were not a concern.

    I then realized:

    ‘No artist will be able to understand, I am so unique that I do not need help. I will succeed myself.’

    Plan of Action:

    Listen. When the right art fair happens, I will be there. I will buy my own booth space and sell my art for the price it IS worth to the people. This will start my career off with a bang and I will be a famous artist, living a peaceful, calm, loving, fun, empowered life by 071509 – three years after I began.

    The Spirit Room

    I will be attending Dr Vidya Anderson’s meditation lessons this month. This will be my first time going to the Spirit Room and I know the experience will be worth the wait. And I am as calm and confident as ever.

    JOURNAL: CLUTTER

    It has been bothering me knowing my future house (at least the den and kitchen area – only place I’ve really been) is cluttered. Knowing that clutter is BAD (at least programmed to know through research) I just could not understand why I would have a messy house. Now I know:

    My art work needs to surround me – not be boxed up and forgotten about. When finished I now decorate with it. SO my thoughts and understanding deepen for the people I will set feel.

    JOURNAL: HOLY CROSS / THE BIG CHILL

    Yesterday Kit and Tank (Tess renamed Mark) went home.

    Watched ‘The Big Chill’ last night and finished this morning – amazing movie!

    Went to church with Logan and Michelle – great! Lutheran side first then ours. Amazing energy the whole time. Logan was a wonderful little man as usual in church.

    NOTES

    *best time to be alive – now –

    knowledge is at our fingertips

    *everything is energy – everything is the same!

    *share with others – one thing past people didn’t share until now

    *we are an energy field – now we see that

    *we are a spiritual being living in a large spiritual field

    *you are God manifested in human form – made to perfection

    *85% of families are dysfunctional (I guess I am not unique to be a victim)

    JOURNAL: THE SECRET MOVIE

    Just talked to Jana McDonald (my neighbor) and told her she should watch the movie ‘the secret’ – she has it. GO FIGURE! Jana and Cliff are AMAZING!
    JOURNAL: ‘THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD’ MOVIE

    Amazing! I am Haley Barry in this movie! She understands me. I had an amazing lunch date with Rich!

    JOURNAL: ‘HEAVEN’S FIRE’

    Just created – amazing.

    Throughout the bible reading from yesterday – that most people (Christians) are unbelieving and angry that first you must pass through the fire to test if your creations on earth were for God or for Yourself. If you pass your creations turn to gold – if you fail they burn – so do you.

    MY THEORY:

    Make people emotional about my painting ‘Heaven’s Fire’ so they think about it. (I know my work will pass!)

    JOURNAL: ASK GOD QUESTIONS

    I just did 7th Path with and asked God if I’m on the right path.

    God’s answer surprised me:

    “Rita you need to ask me questions all the time! Yet you never do because you feel ashamed and unworthy.”

    I understand this TOTALLY! Now I realize I have been acting as though I do not have the right to ask God questions! A big part in my never asking is how ashamed I feel about drinking more. I do not want the direct answer because I know it and do not want to quit. I do not want to acknowledge my awareness of my responsibility to TOTALLY quit to God. (as if He doesn’t know!)

     

     

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    Mother Teresa

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:47 PM [General]

     

    13.25.09: Mother Teresa

     

    “the call within the call” Mother Teresa recalled “I was to leave the convent and work with the poor, living among them. It was an order. I knew where I belonged but I did not know how to get there.”

     

                I, like Mother Teresa, have received a “call within the call.” My first calling is to be an artist and free humanity of pain and suffering. My “call within the call” is to be a loving presence among the suffering, seemingly unloved people in Africa.

    I am called to JUST BE present with them and show them how truly loved and special they are. I feeling this calling to love and care for these people withing the depth of my soul. The unconditional love I show them will empower them by making them aware of how important and amazing they truly are. We are all God’s children, we are all one, we are all important, special and loved by God. My job is to make them aware of this just by showing them unconditional love.

    Also, like Mother Teresa, I know where I belong, but I do not know how to get there. But I am confident that I will find my way.

     

     

    Coffee with Robyn

     

    My friend Robyn came into my office with coffee today. She said I seemed different – like I was at ease and just didn’t care. I guess I’ve felt that way since deciding to write this blog in order to get to Africa. I feel peaceful and confident I am on the right track. And, honestly, after all my failures and criticisms, I know that if this does not work I will find another path until I get there!

     

    While discussing my calling to Africa Robyn said it would be hard on me to witness the suffering and sadness that the people I will meet are living through. Honestly, I feel it is harder on me to be here when I know I should be in Africa showing these people unconditional love. I have thought long and hard about how sad it will be with the understanding that I am a very emotional, empathetic person to begin with. A year ago I would never have been able to handle it. However, today the sadness I feel is in knowing I can make a difference in their lives but have no idea how to get there.

     

    I know suffering, feeling unloved and unworthy, isolated and depressed. I have experienced it first hand throughout my own life. This is why I am meant to help them. The suffering I will witness is no where near the suffering I will endure knowing I can show them the love they need – the love I needed to feel while suffering myself – and failing to do so. I have known since I began my journey that my suffering would one day make a difference in the lives of others – my journal entries prove this.

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    Great Expectations (movie) Journal

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:46 PM [General]

     

    4.26.08: Great Expectations (movie)

     

    Yes – I have had 4 beers now 16 oz Bud Lite.

    However, I have been riding the bike, drinking and watching Great Expectations.

    Every time I saw that movie (before) I had a connection – now I know it.

    I will never forget the first time I saw it. In Newmier at MSUM. After Isaac Snell and I broke up – for good – I was depressed.This movie si me and I see it now. I couldn’t see it then.

    I WILL paint the tree scene (orange – the color I just used on Logan’s page) (suite scene) It WILL be my best.

    I will never forget the depression I felt. I was on the top of me and Lainey Sandberg’s bunk bed. But I felt nothing while watching Great Expectations. I felt their feelings. I felt the movie. But I was so involved and have been since then – in knowing that I love the movie. Now I know why. I have been there. The LOVE – the love you cannot catch, feel, do, be – experience – because you neek to know we are all one and the things I know before you know the TRUE meaning of love.

    The title. What it means. God is all that matters. Art is God. I need to stop having ‘great expectations’ and allow God to work through me. My work is my feelings. God. My life, and goodness, I need to just paint!

    Because when I paint Iknow it is me. I was scared of art class since I was 12 maybe younger.

    Now I know I have:

    No experience

    No knowledge

    No education

    It is only me and God who paint.

     

     

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    Reflections on Old Self

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:44 PM [General]

     

    3.27.09: Reflection on Old Self

     

    Unconditional Love, care, support, wonder, excitement, profound prowdness and awe. My old self inspires me in a way words cannot describe. The courage and fearlessness it took for her to get here, today, words cannot describe. She faced the demons inside her and conquered her worst fears. She attacked them in order to rescue her unbelievable soul in which they guarded. She let all her guard down, admitted she had all the terrible, dark human characteristics she hated and feared in others and embraced them. Loved them, then let them go. She removed the mask that hid her dark side from the world in order to reveil her vulnerable, true self.

    She showed the world that she is, in fact, her worst fear: she is different, weird, unique, not like others. After hiding this truth from the world for 25 years she had built up biases

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    Van Gogh's Message

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:43 PM [General]

     

    Van Gogh’s Message

     

    Journal Exert ..."10">October 4, 2008

    “I now understand it was not an accident that I bought the beautiful blue hard-covered Van Gogh book a year ago. I also understand not that the beautiful landscape picture I painted copying his (from the book) was no mistake. And it was no mistake that I brought it with me to show the only artist who looked at my artwork. When he saw it he said:

                “This looks Familiar.”

    He never said what it looked like – I was thinking at the time “Ya Van Gogh.” But never said it.

    Now I realize my work is his work. While reading this book I realized we paint the same – we feel the energy around us and paint it. We both communicate an extreme love of humanity. We use color to make feelings and show that there is more to life than normalcy. That individuality is so important and trying to be someone you aren’t to fit into society only causes depression, isolation, fear, self-hatred and misery.

    Van Gogh painted to relieve his misery; I paint to show the world and prove to myself it is ok to be me. I am very different, very creative and now very bold. I paint because I have the courage to be myself. I now have the courage to prove to the world it is ok to be different. I will prove that all that matters is LOVE. I will become famous during my lifetime because I want to make Van Gogh proud. I FEEL HIM when I paint. I will show Van Gogh he was not wrong for being himself in a time when society insisted on fitting one mold. He showed ME the way. He showed me that painting the way I paint is exactly what I thought it was. Energy. Feeling. Emotion. And especially humanity and nature. He knew God like I know God. Personally. We both show the world, through our art, that there is more to life than meets-the-eye. We communicate the life force (God) behind everything that is alive by painting the energy around it. Painting in such a way that people will look at the picture and say “what was the artist thinking about?” They will not understand because we, the artist, do not understand and that is the reason we create such masterpieces.”

    Van Gogh’s purpose was to communicate his deep passion for love and humanity through his paintings.

    “As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength if the heart is developed.”

    “An artist needn’t be a clergyman or a churchwardem, but he certainly must have a warm heart for his fellow men.”

    “One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Passersby see only a whisp of smoke rising from the chimney and continue on their way.”

    “As a suffering creature, I cannot do without something greater than I – something that is my life – the power to creat.”

    “The fisherman knows that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reasons for staying ashore.”

    “In an artist’s life, death is perhaps not the most difficult thing.”

    “What am I in most people’s eyes? A nonentity or an eccentric and disagreeable man…I should want my work to show what is in the heart of such an eccentric, of such a nobody.”

    “I want to touch people with my art. I want them to say,”He feels deeply, he feels tenderly.”

    “The feeling for things themselves, for reality, is more important than the feeling for the picture.”

    “Love always brings difficulties, that is true, but the good side of it is that it gives energy.”

    “Color in a picture is like enthusiasm in life.”

    “To express the love of two lovers by a marriage of two complimentary colors, their mingling and their opposition, the mysterious of Kindred tones. To express the thought of a brow by the radiance of light tone against a somber background; to express hope by some star, the eagerness of a soul by a sunset radiance.”

    “A good picture is the equivalent to a good deed.”

    “I have walked this earth for 30 years, and, out of gratitude, want to leave some souvenir.”

    “Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.”

    “My aim in life is to make pictures and drawings, as many and as well as I can; then, at the end of my life…looking back with love and tender regret, and thinking,’Oh, the pictures I might have made!’ But this does not exclude making what is possible.”

    “Paintings have a life of their own that derives from the painter’s soul.”

    “The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.”

    “If one really loves nature, one can find beauty everywhere.”

    “In painting I want to say something comforting in the way that music is comforting.”

    “I want to paint men and women with that something of the external which the halo used to symbolize, and which we now seek to give by the actual radiance and vibrancy of our colorings.”

    “To express hope by some star, the eagerness of a soul by a sunset radiance. Certainly there is nothing in that of stereoscopic realism, but is it not something that actually exists?”

    “I want to do drawings which touch people… In either figure or landscape I wish to express, not sentimental melancholy, but serious sorrow.”

    “Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.”

    “To save a life is a real and beautiful thing. To make a home for the homeless, yea, it is a thing that must be good; whatever the world may say, it cannot be wrong.”

    “My great longing is to make those very incorrectnesses, those deviations, remodellings, changes in reality, so that they may become, yes, lies if you like – but truer than the literal truth.”

    “If boyhood and youth are but vanity, must it not be our ambition to become men?”

    “The emotions are sometimes so strong that I work without knowing it. The strokes come like speech.”

    After reading these quotes one realizes the drive and passion Van Gogh had behind his paintings was a message to humanity. A message he know, he was a genious about. Love, understanding, compassion, and empathy for the human condition. Van Gogh experiences the depression and isolation first hand and felt a need to free others from this misery. Empathy. He knew first hand the misery of not feeling love, accepted, or understood. Deep within him Van Gogh loved so much he forgave humanity for making him feel alone, unloved and misunderstood and used all his energy to show them the meaning of life. TO show them love and acceptance through his paintings.

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    MEDITATION: first realization of my caling to Africa

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:39 PM [General]

     

    7th Path Visualization: Missionary in Africa (journal ..."2" day="26" year="2009">2/26/09)

     

    OMG! I let go and let God show me where He wants me to serve Him and His children. Africa. I was skinny, in cargo shorts and a white top and hat. I served the people and told one woman how beautiful she was. I walked. I went into an orphanage. AIDS babies, so skinny, dying and reaching out to me. I have never experienced so much pain in my life as I did visualizing where I will one day sere. This answered the reason for my fear of AIDS. Now I know why AIDS has always affected me. I will be assisting, no LOVEING, those children. I was like Mother Teresa. God told me I was to be like her 6 months ago. I just never knew how close to home it all was until now. I was not fearful in Africa. I really fit in with everyone. I had no ego, loved them passionately and was truly joyful and having fun with them until I went into the orphanage. I will never forget the pain, misery, loneliness I felt and witnessed. I was astonished that God chose this path for me and that He told me:

                “Never feel like you are not good enough again…your purpose is so great and what you are called to do is so important that you must always believe in your art, believe Me and obey Me. You have for to many important things to accomplish in your life to give up. You must always be aware of this visualation, always remember every action you take, everything you do, you have to do knowing you are unbelievably unique and amazing. Now you know your TRUE calling. Your giving yourself to My children in need will bring you happiness and passion, however, your paintings is just the means to assist you in fulfilling your purpose for being here, now. You are to free my children, assist the poor, love the dying, be still and present and aware and make them aware of my presence in them. Show them how amazing and important they are. Make them feel the love and worthiness they deserve. I love you Rita.”

                                                                -God

     

    Realization: I was so wrong in all my thoughts and prayers and sins and wanting money and fame for my art. I will be a humble bystander. I will not be the artist I thought I would become with a peaceful country house and a porch to paint on. I will be so much more because I have let my ego know I will make the choices from now on. I love her; however she is no longer in control.

     

    7th Path Meditation: BE HUMBLE

     

    God warned me about taking pride and being cocky with the success of my art selling. He said I must remain humble and I was not intending on being humble before when I wanted to speak and be a life coach. He said I am to be a bystander and not strive for celebrity or brag or talk about my success. I am to help the poor, sick, and unloved in Africa (His children), not the selfish, rich, arrogant in this country as a motivational speaker. I had it all wrong.

     

     

     

    New Marketing Strategy

    -I must express myself in everything I do

    -I must follow nobody’s rules

    -I must not think art or any other avenue will get me to Africa – I must just express myself and trust I will get there.

    -I must not let myself FEEL I need money or anything to get to where I’m going

     

    3.26.09: MEDITATION / VISUALIZATION notes afterword

     

    -Exhilerating

    -Met many African people who hugged me – they knew who I was

    CD (I found) – God gave it to me – January 2009 – I was listening to it while I meditated (although I had no idea what music was on it or where it came from) – amazing, full of messages

    -Woke up to alarm (lunch time) blind, and am still blind. I am not able to focus my eyes – everything is blurry – this has never happened to me before.

    -Felt intense energy when I was holding an African baby in an orphanage and he died in my arms. I felt the pain so deeply and intensely throughout my whole body, I was shaking. God assured me I would need to prepare myself for this. I will hold a dying baby in my arms – an African orphan. I will have to be strong and know he will go to heaven. God assured me of this when I was intensely struck by the awareness that the baby died.

    -I went all through different cities.

    -Was in Fargo by the flooding river

    -sometimes I was surrounded by lots of people and other times I was alone.

    -I was in an amazing, huge church and all alone. I felt God’s presence surrounding me.

    -It was as if I was floating through cities.

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    FEAR

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:38 PM [General]

     

     

    MEDITATION: MEETING MY GUARDIAN ANGEL, MEGAN

    While under hypnosis Bryan (my hypontyst) took these notes about my experience. The following is what I told Bryan about meeting my guardian angel, Megan.

                *White like an angel with wings and a Halo

                *Female

                *Megan

                *Free my soul so I can help others free theirs

                *It’s OK – everything will be OK

                *Spend tme with dog and bird – paint, get paintings out there more – focus

                on that

                *Let go – focus on loving myself and Logan

                            relaxing and nurturing myself

                *At night, before I go to bed

                *Frees and motivates to do things normally procrastinate and energizes -

                get rid of ego – helps me understand

                *See her in the clouds and butterflies

                *Laying down with eyes closed after 7th Path Meditation

     

     

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    Meditation: Megan, meeting my gardian angel

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:36 PM [General]

     

     

    MEDITATION: MEETING MY GUARDIAN ANGEL, MEGAN

    While under hypnosis Bryan (my hypontyst) took these notes about my experience. The following is what I told Bryan about meeting my guardian angel, Megan.

                *White like an angel with wings and a Halo

                *Female

                *Megan

                *Free my soul so I can help others free theirs

                *It’s OK – everything will be OK

                *Spend tme with dog and bird – paint, get paintings out there more – focus

                on that

                *Let go – focus on loving myself and Logan

                            relaxing and nurturing myself

                *At night, before I go to bed

                *Frees and motivates to do things normally procrastinate and energizes -

                get rid of ego – helps me understand

                *See her in the clouds and butterflies

                *Laying down with eyes closed after 7th Path Meditation

     

     

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    Diego Jacobson's paintings similarties to mine

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:34 PM [General]

     

    How my paintings, creative process, and spiritual path are similar to Jackobson’s

    While paging through an art magazine a panting caught my attention because it looked so similar to my work. I googled the artists name and was amazed and shocked to find out we have so much in common. What shocked me the most was Jacobson, like I, had no interest in art until after a spiritual transformation.

    We both became aware of our purpose in life and trusted our intuition to proceed with trust. We are both amazed at our finished paintings, as if we can’t believe we created them, because we had no education, experience or passion for art until we picked up a brush and just painted. This to me proves my soul moves through me when I paint. How else could I create such masterpieces which no knowledge of art?

    Our purpose as artists is much bigger then painting. Our intention is to communicate through our paintings. While viewing our work we want the viewer to feel the emotion, passion, and trust that we felt while painting it. Because we trust God and allow Him to flow through us as we paint, we are able to create masterpieces so unique, beautiful and moving that people gaze at them in amazement. They wonder who could have created something so different which leads them to imagine what we were thinking while we painted it. This reflection creates feeling, passion, and emotion inside the viewer so intense their soul personalizes the painting. Our intention is for this experience to assist them on their spiritual journey. We want them to become aware of their unique purpose and know they can make a difference, they are important. The only way to truly communicate this is through feeling.

    While feeling their emotions, the viewer is wondering what we could have been thinking that would have possessed up to create such an unusual painting. Instead of thinking the viewer is now imagining, reflecting, pondering and this frees them of their normal thoughts which always know the answers and define everything around them with their bias. They become aware of the fact that there are many things they cannot define, that are amazing and mysterious, the works of God.

    Becoming aware of how amazing life is and how unbelievable it is that everything fits together so perfectly is the first step on their spiritual path. Once one realizes how amazing life is they begin to see life as important and feel the need to make a difference in the lives of others. But today’s society has evolved to such extent that people think there is an answer for everything and no longer ponder how amazing and perfect the world actually is. If you don’t wonder then you think there is an answer for everything and do not believe you could make a difference or that your life is meaningful. Once you begin to see everything around you as amazing, beautiful and perfect you begin to life in which you are also amazing, beautiful and perfect. This will eventually lead you to the trust, love and amazement Jacobson and I feel while painting.

    Diego Jacobson’s legacy/message for humanity

    “I think that if people get touched by my art and start to ask who was this guy who does this painting and listen to half the things I say about TRUST, and EVERYTHING”S PERFECT, and all the spiritual messages behind my artwork, my spiritual path and get touched by that, the titles of the paintings, which are poetic in themselves, perhaps shock them and allow them to get on their spiritual path. There are lots of spiritual paths, not just one.”

    His Creative Process

    “He sort of gets lost in the moment when he’s painting. He just sort of shuts his mind off, doesn’t judge, doesn’t think about it, doesn’t go in with any preconceived ideas, doesn’t title his work until he’s done. When he finishes it, he steps back and basically looks at it through the eyes of a stranger.”

    “I choose my colors based on frequency, the energy that the color has. Its very instinctual.”

    “There’s a randomness in just the way that I mix the colors.”

    “I use acrylic because I like to paint a lot and I like to paint fast.”

    “The most beautiful paintings do not originate in the mind. They are an expression of the inner essence, of the soul. I like to apply paint in what I can only describe as a random fashion, always keeping a sense of balance on the canvas, and mixing colors in a nice way. Mostly, I like to cooperate with the paint and see what appears. I do not usually have a theme in mind when I start to paint. I always like the finished product, and I have learned not to judge the paintings in process. To me, painting is a lesson in trust. It is trusting that you will always like the end product, so that you can just be totally free during the process.”

    His path to becoming an artist

    “The graduation from the Masters program (Peace Theological Seminary) in ’99 coincided with me starting to paint. Before I hadn’t done anything artistic at all.”

    “The main thing I learned in the Masters program was not to judge, you can’t judge anything. I think this was instrumental to my development as a painter.

    I later found the notepaper from my masters’ class on which I started to draw. It had a couple faced and the note said:

    “connect with the awareness of the higher realms,

    next step; go see God.”

    I passed it onto a canvas and painted around it. It is called “Enlightenment. 00”

    “Its kind of amazing that I can paint.”

    “I didn’t think I was ever creative before I started painting. I didn’t really have a form to express my creativity.”

    “I am a self-taught painter. It’s just an accumulation of techniques that I’ve taught myself.”

    The Jacobson Effect

    Jacobson just tries to fill the canvas, or “kill the canvas,” and take it from there. This causes an interesting effect in which many times things appear.

    He does not know what the painting will look like while he is creating it however when he’s finished he knows that it is done.

    “I like the magical part of it, I like the fact that its magic. It allows for spirit to come through me on to the canvas. It’s as if I’m channeling what I’m doing, because I can’t do it consciously. But yet when I play with it and just allow myself to follow my instinct, stuff appears. Trust is a big part.”

    “What I find in some of my paintings is many times faces appear and things, and in the same way in which the faces appear which I don’t put there, they just appear. Sometimes I paint and turn it over and there’s clearly a face. I also feel that coded in some way some symbols or whatever. For example, when you walk into a room which has my paintings shown on the wall. People can sense the energy that comes from the paintings.”

    The Jacobson Phenomenon

    A language of a profound-informal abstraction

    By Abil Peralta Aguero, Aica

    “After WW2, God spoke to the world about the eschatological torments of that deplorable tragedy through poetry and drama, but as written testimony, He spoke throught painting, through abstract art, it was the world, the verb the testimonial conscience of man at the service of humankind.

    The purpose was to narrate, rather, it was to perceive the feeling, feel the silence, the anguish, the poetry, the words of the spirit and soul.

    Therefore, the form had to be everything and nothing conjugated as writing, which the individual and collective eye should see and feel as an on of supremacy of the creative feeling.

    Random applications of the medium, a broad brush stroke, the nervous gesture of blots, the interrelation of colors, energy, the vitality of light and the concentric action of the emotional beat continually fleeting from and exerting its action on the canvas, constitute the alphabetic basis of the functional and semantic structures of the images in the abstract paintings of Diego Jacobson.

    The brilliantly expressed chromatic atmosphere that constitutes a norm in his paintings is, in spite of its vitality, a renunciation of the ego, an unrestrained offering of his inner self, procreating a balanced relationship between reason and consciousness, the communicational result of which is a message with the characteristic of a mandala, hermetic and wise, but, above all, sincere in its real concern about the destiny of the spirit and the being that dominates our transitory existence on the planet.

    Through the relational energy of his abstract paintings, Diego Jacobson aspires to reach the supra-dimensional and trans-optic essence of things, to reveal the artists secret inner world, which he exhibits in his canvases as an act of creativeness and supreme emotional and spiritual freedom. As the viewer gets involved a profound reading of Jacobson paintings, he feels a kind of reflective shudder, a telluric commotion that tells us that the author identifies his art with life and with his own personal consciousness, on the basis of a poeticand metamorphic consideration of art. This plastic phenomenon makes of his paintings a space agitated by atmospheric vibrations and indefinite signs of a powerful tonal quality.

    When viewing Diego Jacobson’s abstract works, we confirm that sensory and emotional truth prevail over intellectual truth, in the telluric expression and gestures of his strokes, and that he privileges the meanings of a psychic and spiritual nature based on which he manifest an enhancement of his emotional state.”

    Mark Rothko

    My paintings have a lot of similarities to those created by Mark Rothko:

    -I work fast

    -use bold, contradicting colors

    -create abstract paintings

    -intuitively focus on allowing energy to move through my brush strokes

    I our purpose for painting is also alike. Rothko truly believed art could change the world. He believed art was a workless teaching an antidote to the triviality of modern life. Exctacy, anguish, desire, and terror were the four basic human emotions Rothko believed art could cut through. He had a burning desire to do something about the modern world.

    I believe Rothko was right beyond his years. I understand his desire to communicate through his paintings. I believe the gift of creation is given to those who are sympathetic, emotional, and passionate about helping others. They understand humanity and feel the emotions of those around them, picking up on the details that most people ignore.

    Brain imagery has illustrated one aspect of the creative process and proven the invisibility of ideas and feelings. This proves how intense the artist’s feelings are while they paint, allowing their feelings and emotions to flow through them onto the painting. We are also now aware of the power of consciousness, meditation, and hypnosis and how they contribute to one’s energy system.

    “Once you realize that thought is cause and life experience is effect, then you realize that the greatest way to change your life is to change your thinking.”

    -Marianne Williamson

    The sensitivity Rothko and I share makes us feel at peace while allowing our intense feelings to flow through us as we paint. We try to communicate through our art to show people the meaning of life. To make them understand that nothing in life matters, yet everything in life matters. As artists we know who we are and are aware that we are very different from others. We are also aware of the pain and suffering we endure by not being who we are. Our awareness of human suffering drives us to heal others, make them understand they are worthy and have the ability to make a difference in the world.

    Mark Rothko: Light Red Over Black

    “…, which pulls the whole together to create a calm, contemplative atmosphere. Certainly his approach to his work is a spiritual one, and he constantly denied that the relationship between colors were important for their own sake; in an extract from a conversation with Seldon Rodman he shows his concern with spirituality:

    “The people who weep before my pictures have the same religious experience I had when I painted them. And if you, as you say, are moved only by the color relationships, then you miss the point.”

    -Mark Rothko

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    My depression's Imact on my Paintings

    Friday, March 27, 2009, 2:32 PM [General]

     

    My depression’s impact on my Paintings

     

    My depression was my greatest gift. Through my suffering and self hatred I became aware of who I am. I felt isolated, misunderstood, unworthy, different, and fearful. After living in misery for 25 years I realized I was in fact the person I hated. 25 years of trying to be the opposite of who I truly am gave me the power to embrace my self and learn who I am. Now, at age 27, I love my self and know the importance my life has on humanity. Without my 25 years of depression and self hatred I would never be where I am today. For this I am grateful.

    “In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer.”

     –Albert Camus

    “Passion is the force that springs an artist from the needling comfort of depression.” –Robert Genn

    “The artists personality, built upon strong desires and compassionate vision, is by its nature prone to depression.” –Eric Maisel

    “Storms make the trees take deeper roots.” –Dolly Parton

     

     

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